Selfish is clearly not my middle name. Thanks for the reminders to do right by me. Hope this gets easier.
I reached out to L today. Due to the holiday this week, I won't be able to talk with L until next week.
H reached out this morning and requested that we talk in response to an email from D about college pymt coming due. D took the bull by its horns despite me recommending that I handle it. For her own health, I let D know that if H doesn't make good on the payment that I would fund it so she didn't get any more anxiety and lose sleep. Be honest with me, am I compromising D and/or D and H relationship by her being involved?
And, in response to H's request to talk, I asked H what he wanted to talk about (a small part of me hoping that H wanted to talk about our R even if I had to be ready to just listen). It took H all day to respond....in which he sent me D's text. No question nor request for conversation. I wasn't completely sure how to respond or whether to respond at all, as I knew that my longer 'cya' text will likely be sent with L's input.
I ended up responding with a confirmation that I rec'd a similar message from D and I that I would pay my half of the fall semester to her. Short and factual. I didn't inquire about what H is doing or how H will fund.
Needless to say, I don't expect to receive a response nor request for conversation from H any time soon. Maybe H figures out that there will also be an invoice coming for the spring semester in a short stint. Either way, I'm glad that I'm nowhere near his emotional self tonight. Consequences must be felt.
DnJ, glad you found that the drafted boundary lacked emotion. Trying to apply readings and input!
Originally Posted by DnJ
My advice is to leave the heavy lifting to the spouse who wants out. However, if/when you need financial security or protection - get it! That is paramount.
As H is not honouring his agreement, seek legal counsel. Get a legally enforceable agreement in place. Have your L send H a letter and follow up with legal recourse if necessary.
Boundaries / enforcement. In this situation, the time for enforcement was back in March. As soon as H did not follow through. Hold him accountable. Do not walk on eggshells. Do not let him walk all over you.
As you can likely see, businesslike. No emotions. Just identify and resolve. Logic and reason are your tools. Remain businesslike while on the business path.
What do you mean by the sentence about leaving heavy lifting to H?
Definitely did a poor job of enforcing in May and an even worse job in October as I don't have the handshake documented at all. Other than a verbal commitment, I do have bank stmts that support the activity.
Originally Posted by Valeska19
It makes sense. Whether we are getting legal advice, moving out our partner's stuff, setting boundaries.. all of these things knock down the denial of the situation. Each step makes it a little bit more real... which is painful!
Yup. Couldn't agree more. And, I can feel myself getting closer to acceptance or should I say clearing denial. I've let go quite a bit in the last few weeks. Albeit, kicking and screaming, while taking control of my own feelings. I've been dragged for far too long. It's getting easier to muddle through and saddening all at the same time. Yes, I still wonder what H's thoughts, reactions, feelings are in response to my numerous 180s. BUT, I don't wonder and get worried as much. I wonder more out of curiosity. What could H think of all this limited reaction he's getting from me? I've taken little to no interest in H....which is why for a minute, I wondered if H would be asking to talk about R. It was a stretch but I'm OK with it not happening (didn't expect it).
