You are on two paths. An emotional healing path, and a business path. The bulk of your time and efforts will be on your healing and wellbeing. Of course, business stuff does come up, and when it does, deal with it in a businesslike manner.
Your present situation is H not contributing $x weekly to joint account as he stated he’d do. And therefore the account is almost depleted. My views/suggestions on how to deal with this.
Originally Posted by MamaG
Verbally, H agreed to fund acct with weekly payments of X and we agreed to not touch our other funds bc funding with X would keep us fully allocated for the year. I REALLY don't want him to suggest that we start tapping the nest egg with my drafted message. I want to be certain that the message I send is in writing, informs him of our finances and requests confirmation that H will or will not fund the acct for further expenses.
- I’d not bring up tapping the nest egg or anything else you don’t want. No point putting ideas in his head.
- Definitely needs to be dealt with in writing.
- Why are you asking if H will or will not fund? Is this optional? H stated he’d deposit $x weekly and isn’t! How are you going to support yourself? Manage the household and kids’ expenses?
On to your draft letter (Which I’d not send. More below. It is pretty good. You kept it in the business realm.)
Originally Posted by MamaG
As you know, you have not contributed to our acct to support marital expenses since Feb 2024.
In March, I asked you why you stopped funding our acct for marital expenses and you told me that you didn't know how to send money to two different banks. At the time, you agreed that you'd look into reinstating weekly payments to our acct. To date, you have not.
I later informed you in May that I forecasted our acct would no longer support our expenses after July.
Do you plan to reinstate contributions to our acct in order to fund household and family expenses? As you know, RE taxes are coming due as well as D's college tuition - both of which are large expenses that our account cannot support.
- Do not tell H what he should or should not know.
- Have a copy/proof of past agreed terms and conversations.
- Be businesslike. Present the facts. Illustrate the shortcomings. Polity demand (not ask for) restitution and compliance with the agreed terms.
So what to do.
Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? If not, do so. If yes, use your lawyer.
MLCers are masters of manipulation. Folks in crisis will utilize the legal system to their advantage. It is common for “gentleman agreements” to go into arrears.
These desperate people do desperate things. They also have the attention span of a gnat. Depression really does remove one’s caring about accountability and responsibility.
A lawyer will provide information about your rights and your options. Also going through a lawyer with these agreements provides a paper trail, and not the he said / she said problems that are all to common.
You are first and foremost in all this. You are the most important person in this equation. For if not, what about kids, house, college, etc.? H is running with the unicorns and fairies. You are the one left holding the bag. And yes, it is not fair!
My advice is to leave the heavy lifting to the spouse who wants out. However, if/when you need financial security or protection - get it! That is paramount.
As H is not honouring his agreement, seek legal counsel. Get a legally enforceable agreement in place. Have your L send H a letter and follow up with legal recourse if necessary.
Boundaries / enforcement. In this situation, the time for enforcement was back in March. As soon as H did not follow through. Hold him accountable. Do not walk on eggshells. Do not let him walk all over you.
As you can likely see, businesslike. No emotions. Just identify and resolve. Logic and reason are your tools. Remain businesslike while on the business path.
This does not negate your healing path, nor DBing. In fact, part of DBing is dealing with the financial stuff. Keep moving forward MG.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
