I need a lot of practice with boundaries. I've NEVER set boundaries with H. This is a huge 180 for me. I realize this now. In theory, I know what one is but I don't have any idea how to enact. And, if I was to excuse the fact that H fired me as his wife, H doesn't monster or disrespect me. H merely is clingy and wants me on a rocking chair (love this analogy, can you tell?). I'm pretty convinced H wants to return home and has no idea how to go about it....well, if he can figure out how to pack boxes one way, he can figure out how to return home should he (and I) want him to.
I totally understand this. Boundaries are very difficult for me too. It started from childhood and something I have taken into my adulthood. Here are some things that have worked for me.
1. I allow the process of setting boundaries to be messy. It's new so you aren't going to say or do the "right" thing all the time. That's okay. The biggest win is that you realized what was important to you and you expressed it to the other person when they violated it. And let's say you are wrong. Maybe you allowed something that later you realize doesn't actually work for you. No problem - just go back and change it to what works. Don't allow perfection to get in the way. This is about LEARNING to care for yourself.
2. FACT - Boundaries to an emotionally immature person will p!ss them off, so don't be surprised when it does. Expect your H to escalate in childish behavior. Expect him to guilt trip you, remind you of what you did wrong... yet also prepare yourself for him to try and "nice" his way to get what he wants. Maybe tell you how great you are or how his feelings changed about a certain topic. It's very important that you don't get persuaded by his words. What's important is changed behavior.
For example: The statement above states that you are convinced your husband wants to come home? What makes you believe that? What are you seeing that demonstrates he wants to be a spouse to you versus wanting to come home because it's easier for him?
The answer to knowing the difference... setting boundaries. Someone who wants to do the work, will end up respecting your boundaries. Someone who wants his own way - will find a way to avoid respecting your boundaries.
3. Have a support system in place. Whether that's a boundary buddy that you can talk to, or core belief homework that you can journal to - you are going to need support to not only deal with your H's behavior... but yours as well. Contrary to belief - boundaries don't feel good at first when you set them. You are going to feel worse before you feel better. You are gonna experience the storm before the calm. This is a truth I wish self help books would be honest about. You were taught to not set boundaries because there was punishment attached. Now - you will have to tolerate someone trying to punish you when you set them... what a gut punch.
4. Keep grounded in reality. Your H chose this. Any consequences, hardships, feelings are due to his own making. When you start absorbing any of his stuff as "your fault" - try to detach from the situation. Look at yourself as a friend and say "What would I say to my friend in a time like this". Or "if this guy wasn't my H - would I put up with this treatment".
Do your best to not engage with your H. Your no response to his explanation email was perfect. Little things like that will build over time.
I know its hard to believe you are doing the right approach. Especially because sometimes the right thing can mean losing people in life. But keep at it. There will be a shift and you will know you are doing right approach... because it's the right approach for YOU and that approach will bring you peace.
Hang in there. You are making good progress!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
