Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[MamaG]

When it comes to responding to the WAS - less is more... so let's go ahead and delete that short story you plan on sending him.

I laughed out loud. TY for that. I let the better of my emotions come out, don't I? Shorter it is.

1. Are you comfortable seeing your H in the house with you there? or how about at all?
2. Do you feel comfortable with H having access to everything in the home and having the free-will to take it?

I know what I want - but I don't know what words to say it in...and clearly how much of a novel to say. lol

I have been comfortable with H stopping in if H only comes for the noted item, says hello and then is on his way. Unfortunately, lately, H's sneaky taking of other items has gotten old and while I've not said anything (acted as if I didn't notice), my D did and that's when I knew that it's something I need to address. And, to be honest, I'm tired of this being the reason to come over. H certainly 'checks things out' and gets a lay of the land. This is how it became obvious that this is H's cycle. Need something-stop in for it and check things out-temp check and leave for x amount of time. I'm no longer interested. So to answer your question, I don't want H coming by for items and using the house as his.....I don't stop at his for items.

Have you changed the locks?

Legally, the house is both of ours. Changing the locks isn't something I have done...and he still has garage door openers too. Thankfully, H always informs me in advance that he's coming. Haven't had an issue to date.

Please send a list of what you need and I'll be happy to put in the garage and to schedule a time when you can come pick it up.

DnJ, Ready2Change, Valeska19, as you all agree, I LOVE THIS and it'll be my response. I haven't packed up his closet but will be doing that. Sigh

Be detached in your “necessary” responses to H. Time and space. H moved out. Let him feel that.

Only respond if there's a question. Today, I rec'd a 'business' question from him in which I quickly responded with "No". He then responded with an explanation. No question=no response. Questions provide short answers many hours later. I'm trying...and it is so hard for me to do this. I do it on faith that this is the right approach. Still feel some eggshells, but I march on.

I know H is feeling it based on his persistent pursuing of D on Friday.

Boundaries are for disrespectful behaviour. And the enforcement of the boundary is your premeditated action. For example, if H came over to get things. And then he starts yelling/swearing at you. The boundary is - do not swear at me. The rock solid enforcement is you leaving the room. Leaving him to his temper tantrum.

I need a lot of practice with boundaries. I've NEVER set boundaries with H. This is a huge 180 for me. I realize this now. In theory, I know what one is but I don't have any idea how to enact. And, if I was to excuse the fact that H fired me as his wife, H doesn't monster or disrespect me. H merely is clingy and wants me on a rocking chair (love this analogy, can you tell?). I'm pretty convinced H wants to return home and has no idea how to go about it....well, if he can figure out how to pack boxes one way, he can figure out how to return home should he (and I) want him to.

I've been reading up a lot on dismissive avoidant behaviors...as well as fearful avoidant (likely my style) and trying to learn how to my adjustments on my end. I need to make some changes.....for me...and for clingy boomerang or someone else.

On a personal note, I did some hard work of clearing out pricker bushes, bittersweet weeds and other greenery along the property border over the last 2 weeks. It took hours - my gym pass, I suppose. Well, it felt good to have accomplished this (H would typically clear a bit each week to keep up with it)...until I woke up this morning to poison ivy rash all over my arms. Boy is it itchy and every time I look at my arms, I get angry at H. Even if it isn't H's fault, it is something he always took care of so he's being blamed and could've driven some of my not so nice emotions this weekend.

Also, D moved into her apartment near the university. After Friday's pursuing of the D, I assumed H would've made it a point to help her move today. Well, he didn't. Perhaps H forgot. D was a bit disappointed. Sigh

Thank you all for keeping me honest and emotionless in response. Now I build up the courage to pack H up (using the boxes emptied from D's move)!