Detaching & setting boundaries w/ clingy boomerang

[DnJ]

Hello MG

V is spot on.

I'm struggling with what NC means and how to respond to H about his 'need' to come to the house for more things?

Please help me with a response as I've not been setting boundaries at all and this may be the first H gets from me in text. It is lengthy and I'm trying to not come across angry nor with ultimatums. I'd like to set a stage/boundary.

I do agree with you, part of H’s need to come over is likely to see how things are going (or not going) without him.

Be detached in your “necessary” responses to H. Time and space. H moved out. Let him feel that.

Give V’s questions some good thought. Legally you might not be able to prevent H from coming over. Or maybe you can. Or maybe you can just be less welcoming.

Boundaries are for disrespectful behaviour. And the enforcement of the boundary is your premeditated action. For example, if H came over to get things. And then he starts yelling/swearing at you. The boundary is - do not swear at me. The rock solid enforcement is you leaving the room. Leaving him to his temper tantrum.

Late morning, I responded to H with a question. I asked what H needed to come get so that I'd have it ready - this would ensure that H wouldn't come into the house to access anything else nor invade my privacy.

Nicely done. I like the 180 flip on this. You agreed to him taking stuff. That likely set him back a bit, as I bet he didn’t figure you’d do that.

Interestingly, rather than respond with needed items, H told me he would come tomorrow and would let me know (I assume he'd let me know when). In H's text, I can hear his need to control the situation and assuming that I'm sitting on a rocking chair waiting for him to come home. Yep, still in MLC.

Plot twist.... I quickly informed H that tomorrow doesn't work (and don't plan to lose sleep over it).

Again, nicely done.

No eggshells.

It's been 39 days since we've seen each other (longest period of time EVER) and I'm remaining dedicated to not reaching out to him - DBing. I also felt it interesting that H didn't provide me with what he is looking to come get....something tells me it's another touch-n-go attempt. And, I'm getting better at calling BS on his attempts.

Yep. After all these months it unlikely H is looking to acquire anything that he needed.

The good news is that depending upon how follow-up texts go this week (around stopping by), I may have the opportunity to send a like message to him. Anyone else have thoughts on the response and my attempt at a boundary for this clingy boomerang in my life?

H moved out in December. Perhaps you don’t want his clothes in your closet anymore. Maybe you box up his stuff and store it in the garage. H can take the stuff or not.

You chose to leave our home in December - it's been 6+ months and time for you to take all your personal belongings so that you aren't missing anything. For your convenience, I have packed it all up for you to grab. As for marital assets, I don't appreciate you treating our home like a shopping center. I have been logging marital belongings that you continue to move down the street to your chosen residence so that you can have the conveniences of our things in your new lifestyle and fantasy life.

You don’t send this text. You merely do it.

If/when H comes by looking for his stuff, oh it’s out in the garage. Have it neatly packed and labelled to ensure timely pick up and less room for blaming and such.

As you said, you aren’t sitting in the rocking chair pinning away for him. I’d pack up and store his belongings.

D