MLC Hubby wants to move out

[DnJ]

Good Morning R

when I told H I had Covid (he was out of town) he didn't even ask me how I was feeling.

Yep. Limited emotional bandwidth and nonexistent empathy are pretty common for folks in depression and turmoil. They have some much pressing in their minds, others are, even must be, pushed aside.

I spent the week mostly feeling angry. I realize that I have a high need for control especially when it comes to managing the household and the budget. To not be able to do that was painful. Some might say "this is an opportunity for others to step up"…

Sorry your week was a frustrating one. It’s good you understand your need to be in control. So, yes, lack of such would trigger feelings of angry. Yet, feelings are fleeting - unless they are reinforced. Ask yourself, really dig into it, why/how did you reinforce those feelings?

You know you cannot control others. Sure, there was an opportunity for others to step up. You can’t make them. Expectations lead to resentments and feelings. The bigger opportunity presented before you - is for you to step up. Not in making the house run smoothly. Beyond that. It’s letting go of your need to.

Certainly, when things go sideways feelings are triggered. Damp down, control thoughts and actions which influence your feelings. Less reinforcement towards those angry feelings. It’s letting go of need and ego. Needing to control.

these are not areas that I wish to outsource. This is Mama's domain. We all still eat together when people are home, and I do the cooking. This is something that I enjoy and choose to do.

You do not have to outsource anything. Keep cooking. Enjoy it.

but I was hoping for a little more sympathy and attention.

Something to dig into.

I’d also hazard that you were more expecting than hoping for more sympathy and attention. Perfectly normal, and deserved I’d say. However, a crisis H, and two adolescence/young adult boys usually are ill-equipped to know how to show that. Or perhaps say it in a manner more in tune with you. Love languages and such.

That was the match that lit the house on fire and we had it out... he reminded me that "he's unhappy" and wants to do a trial separation and he's stuck here because I told him he needed to wait until S18 went off to college. He's unhappy and he can't pretend and he can't fake it until you make it.

(((Hugs)))

It’s ok. Remember, H will push and bait you into arguments.

So, you both had it out, somewhat. It’s ok. It cleared the air a bit. Back to your path. Focus on you. Leave H’s baiting attempts alone.

“but you can't help your personality.”

Let me ask you something. Are you good with who you are?

Our spouses know us better than anyone else. They know which buttons hurt the most. Know what to do or said to get a rise out of us. And usually include just enough of a wee kernel of truth in their tale to make us question/doubt ourselves and everything.

So, are you good with who you are?

Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. Discard/alter that which no longer or doesn’t serve.

All for you!

Let go what H feels/thinks about you. Let go the fretting and worry about what H feels/thinks about you. H is lost, and is going to blame you and dig for any manner of justifications, or simply make them up. He has to.

Be good with who you are. For you.

Another part of this whole thing is the timing. We are about to be empty nesters. This is a tough time regardless, and I realize I have built my identity around being a mother. The house is my castle. In another era I would have been a happy homemaker. So now, it's not just the mother identity that is changing but the wife identity as well. That is too much identity change at once. Of course, I want my sons to be independent - that is the point. But I feel like I'm losing everything all at once and I feel very, very alone.

Oh yes. Kids leaving is a stressful time. Lots of change. Lots of redefining of who one is. Or maybe more uncovering what was there all along. You know, convictions and values.

For what it’s worth, make no big changes for a bit due to these new feelings that arise from the kids’ normal growth, moving out, and becoming independent. Feelings are fleeting.

My relationship with my four kids: I’m still Dad. Sure, it’s different. Less day to day interactions. The frequency of parenting stuff is less often, and yet kind of more sought after. The kids do still reach out.

I did have to let go some stuff though. My need to control and be right. Allowing others, my kids, to make mistakes. LOL! Which is of course, is my perception. I’m not the arbiter of right and wrong. Some/lots of what they do is better than how I did it. They do have mistakes teaching moments, opportunities to learn and gain wisdom. Haha, just like their Dad did in his day!

I am unhappy too. I didn't think I was unhappy before BD, but maybe I have been and I have been not admitting that to myself. Nobody wants to admit that their marriage might be over, but it's becoming more and more clear to me that the current situation isn't tenable and isn't going to improve.

Isn’t going to improve… unless?

My happiness (or unhappiness) is up to me.

I love my kids. I’m very proud of them. They bring me lots of joy. Yet, their lives do not feed my happiness. I do. My life does. Which of course, they are a significant part of.

Happy (and therefore unhappy) comes from within. A difficult lesson to realize. We are responsible for how and what we feel. Feel long term, not the triggered short term stuff.

And long term is the realm of beliefs. Those deeply held values, convictions, tenets, principles.

Your situation is improvable. Absolutely!

Your situation. You can save you. And along the way, give yourself your best chance at saving your marriage. That’s DBing.

On the other hand, this could be an opportunity for a fresh start. I am not opposed to that, I'm just fearful of the unknown. Except for 6 months, I have been in a relationship since I was 22 years old. I had one boyfriend for about 5 years and started dating my husband not long after that. I have no idea how to date or to be single. I do know how to be independent but I don't know how to be single.

A start. You’re already in one. Embrace the golden opportunity.

Also, I feel like I'm doing a terrible job DB'ing right now because of all of these feelings. I am already so stressed about S20 not having a job and S18 possibly having his college admission rescinded because of a bad grade, and having to take out an additional loan to pay for S20's college and trying to climb out from under our mountain of debt. Plus all the normal household stressors. I can't even engage with the news/politics right now. I don't have any cycles left. At least my job is good!!!

Glad your job is not heaped on top too.

Yes, there are plenty of stressors. Big breath. Deal with what you can, and let go the rest.

The one thing that H did say today is that "we need some time apart so we can repair our relationship." He also did say he loved me in that conversation, but that doesn't come through in our interactions. H does not mention D, he only mentions S and has said he does not want D. It all feels like rejection to me.

Time and space. H needs it. Most of his present journey - whatever that may be - will be hidden from view.

It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon.

Focus on you. Find your happiness. In does not live in H’s words or behaviours, nor lives within your marital status. Your happiness lives within you.

Hope you have a great day.

D