MLC Hubby wants to move out

[mamabird]

I thought I had made another reply a few days ago, but it doesn't seem to be here. I have read everyone's replies - thank you for your kindness and encouragement.

Here's my latest update.

A few days after we got back from our trip I got Covid and isolated in our back house for a week. It's like a little studio apartment so it was fine back there and I had everything I needed. I'll try to make a long story short here and hit the high and low points of the experience.

First of all, when I told H I had Covid (he was out of town) he didn't even ask me how I was feeling. I find that to be really strange - I mean, that's just basic courtesy! He was on and off with me regarding checking on me and cooking (for the family) vs. ignoring me and leaving the rest of us to our own devices.

I spent the week mostly feeling angry. I realize that I have a high need for control especially when it comes to managing the household and the budget. To not be able to do that was painful. Some might say "this is an opportunity for others to step up", which they did as much as they could, but these are not areas that I wish to outsource. This is Mama's domain. We all still eat together when people are home, and I do the cooking. This is something that I enjoy and choose to do. A couple times when no one could manage to make dinner I had to do it - or let's say, I chose to do it vs. the alternative of eating cereal or soup or whatever.

I wasn't really sick except for the first day or two, but I was hoping for a little more sympathy and attention. While I was in quarantine I watched a TV show about a woman who disappears and her whole family thinks she's dead, but in fact she just ran off because she felt like her family didn't appreciate her. I can relate, lady.

Now I'm better and back in the house, and I woke up this morning and realized that I really don't want to be around H. It makes me feel bad to be around him. I have some GAL lined up, including my birthday, but being around him physically is painful sometimes. Being away from him was a nice break. He's so cold and detached, except when he has something to say or share. I feel invisible. Sometimes I think I could be dying and he'd step right over my body to get to the refrigerator.

I mentioned to him that the boys spent a lot of money at the grocery store while I was quarantining and there still wasn't anything to cook for dinner. His response was "that sounds like a gripe" and followed it up with something like "but you can't help your personality." That was the match that lit the house on fire and we had it out... he reminded me that "he's unhappy" and wants to do a trial separation and he's stuck here because I told him he needed to wait until S18 went off to college. He's unhappy and he can't pretend and he can't fake it until you make it.

I am unhappy too. I didn't think I was unhappy before BD, but maybe I have been and I have been not admitting that to myself. Nobody wants to admit that their marriage might be over, but it's becoming more and more clear to me that the current situation isn't tenable and isn't going to improve.

Another part of this whole thing is the timing. We are about to be empty nesters. This is a tough time regardless, and I realize I have built my identity around being a mother. The house is my castle. In another era I would have been a happy homemaker. So now, it's not just the mother identity that is changing but the wife identity as well. That is too much identity change at once. Of course, I want my sons to be independent - that is the point. But I feel like I'm losing everything all at once and I feel very, very alone.

On the other hand, this could be an opportunity for a fresh start. I am not opposed to that, I'm just fearful of the unknown. Except for 6 months, I have been in a relationship since I was 22 years old. I had one boyfriend for about 5 years and started dating my husband not long after that. I have no idea how to date or to be single. I do know how to be independent but I don't know how to be single.

Also, I feel like I'm doing a terrible job DB'ing right now because of all of these feelings. I am already so stressed about S20 not having a job and S18 possibly having his college admission rescinded because of a bad grade, and having to take out an additional loan to pay for S20's college and trying to climb out from under our mountain of debt. Plus all the normal household stressors. I can't even engage with the news/politics right now. I don't have any cycles left. At least my job is good!!!

The one thing that H did say today is that "we need some time apart so we can repair our relationship." He also did say he loved me in that conversation, but that doesn't come through in our interactions. H does not mention D, he only mentions S and has said he does not want D. It all feels like rejection to me.