So today is the 26th, my flight leaves on the 30th, we decided today was the final day we sweep,clean the home and she is to hand in the keys to me to give to new owners who take possession on the 28th. I have had a harder time than usual in the last couple of days as i see the home we built almost completely void and empty of any human character, much like it was when we moved in after picking out the home together. Today we meet with lawyers for signing all of the closing documents and finalizing the legalities of the sale. Tomorrow is also the day I get legal advice on separation agreement from my lawyer which is a mere formality.
It hit me hard last night, today is going to be the day I say the word "goodbye" the first time I will be saying it knowing that there is finality in these words and likely the last time I will see the woman that I've spent all of my adult life with. It definitely made the night more difficult, but it's something I know I have to do, although my heart still carries so much love for this woman, I know it's what I have to do. For too long I've let my heart dictate my actions and it has gotten me into more trouble, because of this I have delegated all my decision making to my gut instinct and logical brain. Just a mere week ago she had an outburst saying I'm not afraid of you. A reminder to me as explained in Shirley glass book just friends, that when they leave the marriage and open up to others they live in a castle and build walls to their husband and open the doors and windows to others to enter. I'm still in her eyes seen as all bad and the enemy so I know I must soldier on and do what's best to protect me and move forward with my life.
As the days approach it becomes so surreal, each day a struggle in itself knowing that so many things are coalescing into a final end to the book that has been my life, almost 4 decades growing up and building my life here, 1.5 decades building up this home, a job I've sp3nt almost 2 decades in being put on pause for 5 years, a relationship built over 22 years, all of this ending at the same time. I knew this would be a hard endeavor before I made all of the decisions to execute this plan, but I knew this was the best path for me. Bittersweet as a word does not begin to describe this. Time to start a new book, maybe label it part 2, much like the mythological Phoenix, from the ashes it rises and rebirth follows, or the bald eagle that at age 40 realizing it's beak is becoming dull, feathers heavy and ruffled, talons dulled, it escapes to the mountains in solitude, cracks it's beak until it breaks off and regrow, then plucks it's talons and feathers for new and sharper versions to grow. It is a conscious choice by the eagle as it's at a crossroads, does it give up to mother nature or it has a choice to fight through it and come out stronger and a new version of itself. It chooses the latter even though it's the harder option and it thrives once the process is complete. I can't think of a more perfect metaphor
