What can I do differently?

[MamaG]

Is it personality? My youngest son is like me. He even looks like me. However, what I think is more definitive is how much they go along with the crisis person. My son told Mom what he thought of her and OM. And she dumped him quick.

Looks like I may be seeing a similar situation. D looks a lot like me and has many similar traits. Although D was daddy's girl to the upteenth degree, D is no longer in that role. And, this has impacted D quite a bit. And with the interaction earlier this month when D told H to 'ask for things before taking them' (and H had a temper tantrum on his way out), it's clear D isn't on H's favorite list right now.

As for withdrawal/awakening: I’d stick to the here and now stuff. Dad is in crisis. Due to long ago unrealized and unresolved traumas from when he was young. These pains and hurts were stirred up as his own mortality pressed upon him. Dad does not know what hurts, or even why he hurts. He just hurts. Ceaseless torment. And as such, he runs!

He is running from anyone and anything. He is running from him self! Kids, spouse, pets, friends, family, work, etc, all get caught up in the blast, all become collateral damage. It has nothing to do with them! Dad’s pain is from a time when they weren’t even born.

Both S and D look at me cross-eyed if I try to explain with any flavor of the above. It's almost like they think I'm crazy to believe this...never mind say it. I believe what you said about them seeing it for themselves in time. This may be the only way they'll believe.

D has been quick to anger and has been full of anxiety since BD. In the past, she would bring up H as a topic but blame me for bringing it up. It's like D wanted to talk about H but didn't want to. After getting into any H talk, D would backpedal and cut the convo short. Now, D is more comfortable talking about things that bother her and how it makes her feel but D seems to be quick to anger (in general). D is also dismissive about her feelings and it's getting concerning - to your point, she has dropped the rose colored glasses. I trust home life changes are a big contributor in addition to the S. D moved home for the summer from school (that's hard in and of itself), D has been my primary care giver and seems to feel some obligation to keep me company. All this to say, D's emotional state is rocky at best. I expect this will become easier on her as the doctor has lifted some of my restrictions and I will return to work in some capacity in the first week of July.

As a person, S is super supportive and empathetic. His rose colored glasses will stay on much longer as he continues to support H. S will not speak about H to me. No exceptions. Yes, I worry about S as he is much like H. For this reason, I ask him to not be afraid to vent, share or I'll bring up simple topics about H to ensure S knows that there aren't ill feelings.

I’d not press the kids to stay connected. Nor would I suggest not staying connected. Listen to them, and give feedback to their chosen path forward. Their headings (which you can gently steer towards), in my opinion, finding understanding and empathy about Dad and his plight; finding acceptance and forgiveness of his behaviours.

What not to say. Do not tell them everything is going to be ok with Dad. Be hopefully, yet be honest. A crisis is truly a horrible thing. I’d not wish it upon anyone.

Ooops - I'm pretty sure I've confidently shared that H will come out of it. I'll make some adjustments here. It makes sense to not make guarantees. I've also encouraged that they don't give up on H and requested that they respond to all texts. Perhaps I'll lay off this too. They're adults and can make their decisions. TY

You really need to challenge yourself to stop focusing on your H so much.

Yup. I agree wholeheartedly. Yet, I don't know how to control that H is the first thing on my mind when I wake, last on my mind when I fall asleep and often times in my dreams. Sigh.

Changing the dynamic of a relationship is difficult. It brings up feelings that are challenging to handle. Guilt, Fear, Anger... these feelings are normal but can get feel unbearable when your partner is immature (which yours clearly is). One often needs external support to say on this new path.

For those of you following along and possibly living through a similar sitch, you know that it took me a long time to take the first step towards detachment. My medical issues, and allowing H to care for me through them has delayed detachment. I'm still not sure that I/H are, or will be better for it. But, I know that at the time, I needed H to hold my hand even if the H who joined me was a skeleton of the old H at times.

Other than medical issues, why did I continue to chase breadcrumbs instead of detaching from a H who had moved out and fired me as a wife? Well, I came to the conclusion just last week that first, I had to admit to my fears. While journaling on this site, I determined what my fear(s) are literally as I was typing. This week.....well, this week I learn just how hard detaching is as I comfort myself facing my fears. Just when I thought I couldn't hurt more, boy was I mistaken. Talking myself through the fears while running back to denial and anger confirmed that LBS's go through phases and bounce back and forth, too. LBS process definitely isn't linear. So eye-opening to what I've been reading about MLC phases not being linear.

People will do incredible, enormous, things/efforts to avoid changing. There is an entire change management philosophy about this.

Yup! I often coach employees through Change Management as part of my professional role. How did I not connect this dot? Rhetorical. Rational humans struggle with change; myself included. Although, there have been many instances where I would consider myself an emotional human more than a rational one.

IMHO - The path the true healing is understanding what you really need to be happy in this life... and then to be willing to fight like H3ll to get it.

So what needs to happy in order for to have a dog in the fight??

You've made me think, Valeska19 (again)! Imagine the scary epiphany when one has no idea what makes them happy in this life. Clearly, appeasing H (and kids) was my life. I know I need to make some changes here. BD and onward has taught me just how much my life revolved around him and I had no clue. Depending on H for my happiness must have been tremendous pressure for H too. Ooof

I'm blessed to have so many options to GAL. I'm surrounded by many great friends and family members. Yet, I just haven't been pursuing my options much. Medical issues contributed some but I can no longer hide behind that reason. Fearing that I have to tell my story contributed a lot towards my hibernation. I'm making some changes and I trust you won't let me forget to keep making changes in this space. Next week, I've made plans to put my toes in the sand for a couple days with family (ironically H's family as they invited me and I accepted). And, I'll be celebrating the 4th with a close friend. I'm also looking forward to returning to the profession role - I've learned that I love my job and the satisfaction it brings me!

Still crying through the healing and slogging through. I appreciate you both holding my hand.