They do test and push one’s buttons. Perfectly normal stage of rebellion in preparation of leaving the nest. They are firstly spreading their wings and more they need to know you are rock solid in loving them. As in, no matter what they might do, you do and will always love them.
They will test the boundaries to see how strong they/you are. Not in a mean way, or even a recognized way, it is just part of growing up.
MLCers do it too - rebelling and growing up from when they were emotionally stunted - which is far more troublesome with the accumulated wealth and joint assets. Brash angry rebellious teens don’t affect/threaten our financial picture that much, a spouse does.
Originally Posted by RegretfulLA
This is where the DB'ing gets so hard. Putting on a brave face and trying to ignore his BS behavior is next to impossible. I need some DB advice here. I stopped saying I love you and I guess I should just mirror his behavior and not hug/kiss ever, even when he's leaving for a few days?
Yes DBing is difficult, is counterintuitive, can feel wrong - at first.
It’s about creating/having a mindset based more on rational logical actions/reactions. Oddly, one’s emotions follow suit and emotional understanding, acceptance, unveils itself.
A few tips/advice:
“Putting on a brave face and trying to ignore his BS behavior is next to impossible.” Word choice/usage is important. Your mind is always listening and will create your reality as you ask it to.
Act as if, is a good method forward. However, wording can detract one from attaining it as easily or quickly as they might. Example: Do or do not, there is no try. “Trying” gives you a way out. It allows you / your mind to be ok with not, in this case, not ignoring H’s behaviour. Do ignore his behaviour instead of trying to. That mindset comes at the same problem scenario from a different tact. One better likely to gain the desired result.
Impossible is another word that worms its way in. If we categorize something as impossible, well you can see how much effort we’d likely put into such a futile endeavour. Use difficult instead.
From above, you can see I struck out “problem” and used scenario. Again, how we define things has a lot to do with how we approach and resolve them. No need to make problems, enough will find you on their own.
Mirroring H’s behaviour is a good thing. Let H lead the direction and pace of interaction. As to not hugging, kissing, even if H is leaving for a few days. Ask yourself, who are doing it for? H turns away. H has stated he needs more space.
H needs to feel the loss before he will start to realize what/who he is turning his back on.
Expectations. Dial those to zero. I know, difficult, right? Unmet expectations lead to resentment. When on your trip and H went out to get an ice cream, you expected he’d not be back until 3:00am. He came back right away. How did you feel? Oddly, likely a bit of resentment. Even an unmet negative expectation instills a reactionary resentment. It’s weird how a positive will feel negative. Dial those expectations to zero.
Focusing on self helps with expectations. And a whole lots of other stuff. It’s not ignoring H or his behaviour, rather shifting your focus on to what and who you can control. Shifting your focus on to what and who is most important. You can (and will) still see what H is doing, which is perfectly ok. You just won’t be dragged about or make as many decisions based upon his mood / behaviour / words / actions.
Originally Posted by RegretfulLA
My birthday is coming up in July. I do not plan to mention it or make any plans with him. I may turn the tables and disappear myself.
Well, a pending Happy Birthday to you!
I agree, do not mention it to H. No point fishing for gifts or compliments from him.
I’d really consider getting away for a day or two. A gift to you! Focusing on you. A 180 for you.
As for mentioning it to H (and the kids). I suspect you are not one to just disappear. You are far too responsible and level-headed for that. I’d give him a few days notice. Just let H know you are going away for a few days and will be back on x date.
Originally Posted by RegretfulLA
Even in better times, H was less attentive than I would have preferred, but this type of rejection has been a pattern (on and off) for the last 25 years.
Have you have clearly let H know how rejecting his behaviour is? I suspect you have. If not, do so. Ensure you have set the bar for H cannot read your mind. Then it’s up to H if he puts in effort to reach it or not. Boundaries for disrespectful behaviour, holding H accountable for his actions. Of course, you can only control you in this. Pursuit and distance. Let him feel the loss and start pursuing you.
Originally Posted by RegratfulLA
he gave me a hug and kiss but at first turned his head and the hug was absolutely empty. I felt so rejected and awful. The man makes me feel terrible and I owe myself so much more. The fact that I put up with it makes me feel even worse - like I have no dignity, like I am desperate. I am normally anything but a doormat.
Absolutely! You are not a doormat!
Another tip for you. H doesn’t make you feel anything. True, he certainly does trigger feelings. However, you are reinforcing your feelings.
Feelings are fleeting. Let them flit.
Beliefs, convictions. Ah, that’s the bread and butter. Believe in yourself. You have dignity. You are worthy. You are strong.
Do not give your power away.
Originally Posted by RegretfulLA
Sadly, I have gotten really good at detachment over the years. The walls went up a long time ago and now I can just put them back up pretty easily.
In my view, you are beyond the time/need for walled-off detachment. Focus on you. Keep your heart soft and squishy.
A walled-off heart certainly keeps things out. It also keeps things in. Making it much more difficult to let go of anger, hatred, hurt, anguish, grudges, retribution, etc.
Being able to bring up your protective shields is excellent. A hard-earned and most worthy lesson and skill. Now, on to lowering it. Letting go of some things. Don’t fret or fear, you know you can bring the walls up in an almost instant.
Beliefs. Values. Convictions.
Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. Discard/alter that which does not serve.
Let go of feeling terrible because of what H does or how he treats you. There is a deep belief within you to adjust here. There was for me. Poisonous words and actions from our spouse take time to transmute.
“makes me feel even worse - like I have no dignity, like I am desperate.” Believe in you. No matter how H treats you, he cannot shake your foundation. Lovingly let go. Soft and squishy. For you!
Hope you have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
It’s not ignoring H or his behaviour, rather shifting your focus on to what and who you can control. Shifting your focus on to what and who is most important. You can (and will) still see what H is doing, which is perfectly ok. You just won’t be dragged about or make as many decisions based upon his mood / behaviour / words / actions.
