So yesterday the stbxw agreed to come over and spend day going through things at home with me and clearing out more things to prepare for the weekend where the house has to be 95% clear, house closes a week from tomorrow. The idea was she would come and go through the rest of the things with me, we'd separate everything, garbage bags to one side, things to go to her storage on the other and recycling to the side as well. The plan was for me to rent a truck this weekend and together we'd load her things for storage in truck and I'd make a trip with her to storage unit, another trip after to take garbage and recycling to local dump transfer station. The remaining stuff that I would keep I would take care of and drop off at my brother's garage. The first 30 minutes starred out ok but then she started being disrespectful to me, I have not spoken about our relationship, marriage, cheating, new partners, nothing. I don't want to bother wasting energy on such things, as it's a fruitless endeavor and it's a pointless waste of time for me. I could sense through her words and actions that she had so much resentment, even throwing out backhanded comments such as, "you think youre just going to buy a whole new set of items where youre going", "do you think im afraid of you", she really started to get under my skin. Im at fault for letting this happen, i have been on anti depressants which have helped me remain calmer and given me a more stable and solid baseline at least until all the life changes are complete for me. The kicker with her was when i asked what time she was coming on the weekend, she then replies to me that she made plans for this weekend. I looked around and i could see a full truckload of things she still needed to take, if not more. It got to the point where the insults and resentment was so much that as i had a picture frame of pictures with us which i was putting on the garbage pile, i broke the glass picture frame on my leg, few seconds later my knee and shin were full of blood. I decided to go for a walk and cool my head off, i took the oppurtunity to call her parents and ask her father if he could help me to load and unload all the garbage on Saturday and he agreed. They also decided to later come by and go through things and clean up. Before that after she made one trip to storage with car she apologized for how she behaved and even brought me a sandwich , her parents then coming by seemed to bring her back to a calmer more respectful manner.
I know i shouldnt have done what i did and i know i let her get to me and it definitely was a weak moment for me, but sometimes the disrespect and immaturity can get to be so much that you have to defend yourself. I sense her bitterness and resentment is driving her behaviour with me, its shades of last year before i left. Its as if im removing an option from her life choices and she's lashing out at me because ive decided to leave. I have been trying my hardest to fight through the emotions as this is a lot of life change for anyone to undergo all at once, and for the most part ive been focused on the things ive needed to do. Ive already got a vehicle that I'm going to purchase when i arrive there at a discount as my cousin works for a big automaker and he got me a family discount, i have a job lined up and a meeting with someone there to do this, I've taken care of all necessary documentation, banking needs, address changes, pension arrangement, clothing, personal belongings, selling car, legal matters, etc.
Ive even done the majority of the logistical heavy lifting to prepare home for closing and I feel shes been as irresponsible and immature as ever. Her sole focus seems to be have fun in free time and let the rest take care of itself.
Yesterday was also our final mediation session, for things to go smoothly i decided to only ask for the money of the vehicle as the only adjustment to separation agreement, doing so I forfeited pension equlization and spousal support. Pension difference was a negligible difference and spousal support i wasnt going to want anyways. I want the process to go as smoothly as possible. So here i am, just needing to send agreement to my lawyer and 10 days away from my flight. I know i shouldnt worry or care but i have a sense reality is starting to hit her hard now, while ive been mentally preparing for a very long time. I think although i dont think i want to forgive her, i believe thats up yo her and God now, im also more accepting of what i have been given. My father spent the last weekend in hospital after an operation and i feel that at least I can be of some value when i go back and illl feel at least some sense of purpose. Its almost like a feeling of being in prison and i know when my release day is but visualizing it is hard, i know i will feel a small sense of freedom and hope
And in this life without hope and optimism lifr becomes a struggle
