MLC Hubby wants to move out

[mamabird]

We are back from our vacation! It was a great trip - fun, and we all got along for the most part which is pretty good for a 10 day trip. H was on good behavior and we spent a lot of time together - sitting together on plane, sleeping in same bed etc.

One night there was a huge street party going on and H said he was going out for some ice cream. "This is it," I thought - he's going to go out and not come back until 3 am. But, he came right back. We got along just fine and had a few laughs but he was careful to avoid any physical contact. He lets me touch him without pulling away but does not reciprocate ever. And the wedding ring stayed at home. All things considered, I would rate the trip "slightly positive" - as in, mostly neutral but more positive than negative.

S20 and S18 both had their moments on this trip and H and I were aligned as far as how to deal with them. Suffice it to say I am not enjoying this phase of parenting. I have a lot of empathy for WAS's - these kids try my patience in every way possible.

I'm trying to become more open to the idea of getting a D. It isn't what I want, but I'm so unhappy in this situation. I am going to work on this with my therapist - exploring why I feel so afraid about it. Today H left on a business trip (yes, one day after returning from Europe) and he gave me a hug and kiss but at first turned his head and the hug was absolutely empty. I felt so rejected and awful. The man makes me feel terrible and I owe myself so much more. The fact that I put up with it makes me feel even worse - like I have no dignity, like I am desperate. I am normally anything but a doormat. Even in better times, H was less attentive than I would have preferred, but this type of rejection has been a pattern (on and off) for the last 25 years.

I have known my H since the age of 12 and I think I have probably been trying to get his attention since then.

I guess it is time to admit that I *might* be happier without him. Right now I'm not seeing this situation resolving without a separation.

This is where the DB'ing gets so hard. Putting on a brave face and trying to ignore his BS behavior is next to impossible. I need some DB advice here. I stopped saying I love you and I guess I should just mirror his behavior and not hug/kiss ever, even when he's leaving for a few days?

My birthday is coming up in July. I do not plan to mention it or make any plans with him. I may turn the tables and disappear myself.

On the plus side, H is an entrepreneur and things are going well in his business. He says he plans to double his salary which would allow him to move out.