Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

Finding my way
hat tip to DnJ

Don't forget to "just be" , and trust the process and your faith along the way.

Hope your weekend goes well G....

Thanks Mach1. That weekend did go well. and the following. Just being in the moment...

Friday evening I took D19 and S12 out for mountain biking trails. On the advice of some others present, I picked a trail that turned out to be a little too advanced. We had fun adventures anyway and worked through some dealing with discomfort/attitudes. It was VERY hot out.

Saturday morning all four of us went to the beach. Before the hot part of the day. Summer heat has warmed up the ocean waters to barely cooling you off when you jump in. We floated around for about an hour in the water before messing around in the sand and surf for a while.

On the way home we stopped for fresh fruits / veggies at a store recommend by co-workers. It is about a 30 minute drive from our house. Much fresher and 50%+ cheaper than close stores. Kind of a cross between a farmer's market and a normal grocery. We stocked up with fresh things for the week ... And each of us got a scoop of their home made ice cream on the way out. On to home then to rinse out the sand from EVERYTHING!

This past weekend was just rest, cleanup, and some games/play at home. I seem to be alternating activity weekends with peace/recovery weekends. An oddity with W thought. She asked if she could take the kids out Friday afternoon/evening and if Saturday was booked. I let her know nothing was planned so she is free to do whatever with the kids. I believe she took S12 and D17 to a movie Friday afternoon and heard only silence on Saturday. D17 complained W didn't take her work schedule into account so refused to do more on Friday.

The business side

Ha! Lawyers make money feelers are out there and automated ... Before any information from W, I've received 4+ junk mail from legal firms telling me I've had an action filed against me in family court.

This is not a surprise, and is fully mediated/uncontested (we live in a no fault state). I decided early on - part of a no pressure approach, and the only way M recovery is of value is if W decides on her own. I cooperated fully every time she scheduled a mediation session. Though I could have worked out the details in one session though my own research, I let her lead and pay for 5 sessions. I let the information and process come NOT from me, but the mediator. In the last session W was late, again -

Mediator, "G, do you know where W is? Is she on the way?"
G shrugging, "I don't know."
Mediator, "OK, well, you'll have your stuff together anyway..."

As often remarked here, WW/WAW often don't have a good plan or understanding what post D life really looks like. Running primarily on emotion.

Terms? Well, structured mainly by me for children first, then fairness and avoiding any legal fight (costly all over even if you are right) -

Total value is 50/50. Primary and retirement assets are all split 50/50. We keep our own vehicles. I keep the home and W keeps additional non-retirement investments to balance. I accept/keep vehicle and mortgage debts (low interest rate) balanced with keeping other investments (in the long run low rate debts are to my advantage). I pay a $7k credit card bill she ran up.

Children are 100% with me. Her RV is not really a place to house kids and in her words, "they don't like it there." I will continue to pay for all their expenses. She pays none. She may use the home to be with them during the week while I am at work.

I will pay monthly alimony of ~22% my income for 18 months to enable homeschool to continue for D17 and S12 as well as transport for D17's gymnastics. W claimed not to be able to work because of this. I said, no, you can and minimum wage is imputed to her as earnings. After 18 months, D17 will have graduated, have a drivers license, and I'll help D17 with a vehicle. The agreement states W is assumed to be able to make her own way after that. S12 has none of the same transport requirements.

In practice...

In practice so far, W shows up for between zero and 4 hours each weekday. Occasionally she asks if they are available to take them out for a few hours on weekends. I have given my personal word I will not restrict or block access to the children.

Last night, "S12, I think you'll be doing schoolwork with you mother tomorrow. In addition, here are the other chores for while I'm at work. Your sister will help you."
S12, "I don't know if there will be any school. Mom didn't say. I think she said she HAS to be dog sitting right now."
I checked the doorbell camera record before posting today. It looks like W came over for just under 2 hours. It looks like it included taking a shower as she came over in PJs and left with wet hair. She had said something about her water being shut off at the RV... Huh.

I know, I know, don't believe anything they say. Yet I am still taken aback and I keep expecting more involvement. At the same time, I have started to feel irritated whenever she does show up. This somewhat disturbs me. Peace and routine have been established with the three children and I. Her presence is disruptive to this peace and me...but the children also need their mother. What price do I pay to make sure they get what they need?

In the back of my mind I have also been thinking about what others have told me about the law and actual facts on the ground. The children living 100% with me, me paying for all their expenses, W visiting and taking them out occasionally, becomes the default new normal no matter what is said on paper. Changing it, should one party become obstinate, takes a very long time and the courts are reluctant to change anything that appears to be working.

g