What can I do differently?

[Valeska19]

I've not shared much about D21 and S23 so as to not overshare on a public site. And, H hadn't completely withdrawn from kids. Historically, H would get updates on kids from me and rarely reached out to them on his own. Since H moved out, H has been texting once or twice a week to both of them - I guess in theory there has been an increase in outreach to them. Albeit, H knows less about them as there isn't much info shared in the superficial exchanges.

After yesterday, I need some help explaining to the kids (adult kids, that is) about H's current state and behaviors. I'll provide some info before seeking your input on how to provide feedback to the kids as I don't want to negatively influence their relationship nor H's journey. Thank you all in advance for any guidance you can share.

Initially, both kids made attempts to stay connected and verbally share what is transcending in their lives, while remaining caring towards H. Within 2 months of BD2 (when they learned about H's wish to end MR), D quickly noticed that H was impacting her mental health and began detaching more and more with each passing week. At first, D wasn't sure but quickly learned that H showed no interest in her life - grades, BF, vacations, day-to-day anything. S continued to stay connected much longer. Like H, S holds feelings in and pushes them down, making it hard to know how S is dealing/coping. More recently (6 months after BD2), S has pulled away from H (responding to texts with less detail about himself and sometimes not responding) but hasn't fully detached. S is concerned for H's mental health based on BD info and that remains on the forefront.



Questions:
Do MLCers favor a child? If so, what drives the favoritism?
Does a child with similar personality to LBS get favored or unfavored?
If not favoritism, then what?
What do I share with kids/not share?

Looking for answers to these questions is a cheeseless tunnel to go down. It's not helpful. Sharing with kids the reason "why" will not likely validate their feelings.

On Father's Day, S witnessed what D has been saying about H....H has no interest in her life. And, S experienced a bit of H's limited interest in S's life too. Ex: S made a comment at breakfast that would typically engage H. Nope - no luck. Later they met up at night for a treat and S brought the subject up again with added detail. Nope, H still didn't take interest nor engage. S was crushed and it seems that S is beginning to see what D has been expressing about H for some time. If I know S, his wheels are spinning, but won't say anything to me. S will continue to look for 'sign's (helicopter hovering).

Question:
Do I tell kids that it's normal for MLCer to withdraw more before 'awakening'? And, if so, how do I explain this to them so they understand and aren't taking it personally?
Is S finally seeing the lack of interest that may have been there all along?
Was yesterday a tough day for H and H couldn't wear the mask? Can I tell kids that this is a symptom of depression?

Short answer is no. If the kids want to talk about it - listen, validate. Quit speculating on why he does what he does... it truly doesn't matter.

A typical Father's Day would consist of being together ALL day with various events and visiting my dad for the afternoon. Based on what was shared with me about their 2 visits with H yesterday, H may have cycled between visits yesterday, since H's escape attempts were more prominent with the second visit.

Question:
Why didn't H wear his mask despite having been able to in the past for the kids? Why was it more obvious to kids that there is something going on? How do I explain this to the kids?

Who cares... you are supposed to be out living your life.

D had to build internal strength to see H at all (felt like she had to) and then was relieved it was behind her. To boot, H was itching to go back to his house as soon as H's treat was over. Sat up in his seat and gave all indications that he didn't want to be there. "If he didn't want to see us again, why did he even agree to it? He acted like he had plans and was late."

When I tell my kids that H has to hit rock bottom before H can come out of it, they get upset. "Why do you want him to get worse?" I try to explain but they don't understand and tell me that it can't get worse than it was in Feb 2023 (BD1).

Questions:
What do I say to kids? What words do I use to explain to adult children what's happening? 'When they ask, what's going on with dad', what do I respond with?
What do I not say to the kids?
Do I continue to encourage them to not give up on H and suggest that they continue to stay connected or at least respond to "How are you? What are you doing this weekend?" texts?

H continues to share his life with 3 (guy) best friends that he's been friends with since school years. One is single, one is engaged and one is married. All 3 are 'I support you with whatever decision you make' friends. Kids hear about these interactions and I let them know that H shares what H wants them to know. H hides what he doesn't want them to know.

Question:
Is there a better way to explain H's behavior to them?
How do I ensure that they don't feel like H has replaced them with 3 friends?

For me, yesterday was a great day celebrating my dad. Dad is getting older and I appreciate every day and moment I can share by his side. It was a great family day and a reminder of how blessed I am to have so many in my corner.

I also sent a text to my FIL. FIL responded with how often he thinks of me and will always love me. Clearly, FIL is heartbroken from all this. If only FIL would give H a kick in the pants....or even reach out. Sigh.

Appreciate any and all direction provided.

My direction is going to be very short.

You really need to challenge yourself to stop focusing on your H so much. I understand what a difficult dynamic it is to break... truly.. but so much of your posts are about him and very little about you.

What are you willing to do to change your life and make you the lead character of your story? Are you in support groups? How about IC? Changing the dynamic of a relationship is difficult. It brings up feelings that are challenging to handle. Guilt, Fear, Anger... these feelings are normal but can get feel unbearable when your partner is immature (which yours clearly is). One often needs external support to say on this new path.


I have posed this question to you before in which you immediately go back to asking so many questions about your H. Why? Is it difficult to put yourself first? What feelings come up for you?


IMHO - The path the true healing is understanding what you really need to be happy in this life... and then to be willing to fight like H3ll to get it.

So what needs to happy in order for to have a dog in the fight??