What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

With older kids, especially adult kids, your job is not to facilitate or maintain or rebuild the relationship between them and their Dad. Your job is to just not destroy it.

At 21 and 23, daughter and son will start seeing things/life through a different lens. More serious long term relationship as an example. They would not want their spouse to do to them, what their Dad did to you. That growth is a difficult path to get through. Seeing their Dad in such a light. They need to find/figure out their relationship with him, and he with them.

Do MLCers favor a child? If so, what drives the favoritism?
Does a child with similar personality to LBS get favored or unfavored?
If not favoritism, then what?
What do I share with kids/not share?

Oh yes, it is common for a MLCer to pick a favourite. And it then follows that they have a least favourite as well. With my four kids I saw it clearly. XW/Mom placed youngest son at the bottom. Her favourite switched as her moods switched.

Is it personality? My youngest son is like me. He even looks like me. However, what I think is more definitive is how much they go along with the crisis person. My son told Mom what he thought of her and OM. And she dumped him quick. Just like family and friends that didn’t/wouldn’t gobble up her narrative. As XW said regarding the enabling folks she only met weeks prior - these are my true friends!

What to share with kids is an interesting conundrum. Knowledge is power. And you want your kids to have power and be able to make good proper decisions. Basically, if they bring up a topic, discuss it openly and honestly.

Do I tell kids that it's normal for MLCer to withdraw more before 'awakening'? And, if so, how do I explain this to them so they understand and aren't taking it personally?
Is S finally seeing the lack of interest that may have been there all along?
Was yesterday a tough day for H and H couldn't wear the mask? Can I tell kids that this is a symptom of depression?

Why didn't H wear his mask despite having been able to in the past for the kids? Why was it more obvious to kids that there is something going on? How do I explain this to the kids?

Absolutely you can explain depression and the associated behaviours.

As for withdrawal/awakening: I’d stick to the here and now stuff. Dad is in crisis. Due to long ago unrealized and unresolved traumas from when he was young. These pains and hurts were stirred up as his own mortality pressed upon him. Dad does not know what hurts, or even why he hurts. He just hurts. Ceaseless torment. And as such, he runs!

He is running from anyone and anything. He is running from him self! Kids, spouse, pets, friends, family, work, etc, all get caught up in the blast, all become collateral damage. It has nothing to do with them! Dad’s pain is from a time when they weren’t even born.

I’d stick to the running/replay stage for explaining Dad’s behaviours. You can certainly explain the crisis journey, as questions would most likely come up. However, be honest. Not all MLCers exit their crisis. Not all exit healed and better. Some find their peace by turning their back on their past life and people from it. Some never find peace. And some do the hard work. Time will tell with H/Dad.

Yes, Dad often puts on his mask. It requires much energy to pretend, to wear a mask. I suspect Father’s Day stirred up plenty of feelings and it all became overwhelming. Dad’s path is emotionally driven. And he was likely emotionally exhausted.

As to son and daughter. As time goes on a few things occur. They heal and let go the rose coloured glasses. They start to see things more clearly. Dad’s moods and his Jekyll/Hyde personalities are seen more and more. Dad also realizes this, or becomes tired, and lets himself slip more and more around those that know him and realize how he is.

When I tell my kids that H has to hit rock bottom before H can come out of it, they get upset. "Why do you want him to get worse?" I try to explain but they don't understand and tell me that it can't get worse than it was in Feb 2023 (BD1).

There is nothing so bad that it can’t get worse.

Oddly, that is quite a positive message. No matter what is going on, it could be worse.

Hitting rock bottom: People seldom will make a change, even a positive one, until their pain outweighs the ease of remaining in place. People will do incredible, enormous, things/efforts to avoid changing. There is an entire change management philosophy about this.

These are normal average healthy rational people. A MLCer is way worse.

A person in crisis, in depression and emotional turmoil runs from their pain. Until their pain outweighs, reaches a tipping point, they will continue to run.

Running behaviours shift their focus from their pain. The modern age has so many shinny playthings to distract one. We live in a luxury that the kings of old never even experienced. Almost anything is a mere click away. And the ubiquitous cell phone is an incredible distraction.

Rock bottom is when one realized the distractions don’t work anymore. Be it pain. Be it realization of the futility and meaningless of their path. Rock bottom is a choice to change.

What do I say to kids? What words do I use to explain to adult children what's happening? 'When they ask, what's going on with dad', what do I respond with?
What do I not say to the kids?
Do I continue to encourage them to not give up on H and suggest that they continue to stay connected or at least respond to "How are you? What are you doing this weekend?" texts?

I’d not press the kids to stay connected. Nor would I suggest not staying connected. Listen to them, and give feedback to their chosen path forward. Their headings (which you can gently steer towards), in my opinion, finding understanding and empathy about Dad and his plight; finding acceptance and forgiveness of his behaviours.

What not to say. Do not tell them everything is going to be ok with Dad. Be hopefully, yet be honest. A crisis is truly a horrible thing. I’d not wish it upon anyone.

Is there a better way to explain H's behavior to them?
How do I ensure that they don't feel like H has replaced them with 3 friends?

Time travel. Remember, H/Dad is reliving his youth. He is trying to relive all he feels he missed out on. And, he is emotionally there, well then. He is a teenager - emotionally.

Has Dad replace the kids with these friends? Yes. Well sort of. Dad is replaced by teen/MLC Dad. This pod person is living those long ago years again. Needing to grow up from when he was emotionally stunted. Pod person Dad didn’t have kids and wasn’t married, as such not much empathy or interaction towards the people and events of his present day life.

My XW tossed aside our four kids. And she latched onto OM’s son as her own. She’d talk about OM’s son, as her son, right to her kids. Very wild/weird stuff.

My kids were thrown away and replaced. They do feel that. It’s not about kids trying to not to feel that, it’s about rationalizing those feelings. Understanding. Empathizing even.

Do rationalize the facts and the events of the here and now. Dad’s behaviours. How it makes them feel. What they feel. Why they feel.

Acceptance is basically emotional understanding.

Hope this helps.

You’ve got the gift of time. Keep moving forward.

D