Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

Occasional evenings in the life...

Dog walking and children's state of mind

D19's turn to walk the dogs with me before bedtime last night. She's kind of weepy-tired-emotional and speaking in absolutes. I'm much better now at understanding what this means in the language of Venus. I'm not fixing but understanding she is just expressing how it feels. I accept, empathize, and let it pass through me. Normal for her when working 10-hour days. It IS hard growing into adult responsibilities. She has been noticing the phases D17 is going through as just how she felt two years ago. She has had kindness and empathy for D17's struggles now.

We stop by the front door to get dog poop bags...there is the supply of plastic bags from the grocery store I sometimes use...but where is the box of doggie poop bags? -searching but nowhere to be found- I express my irritation to D19 and she rolls her eyes both in sympathy and at me.

D19, "Maybe Mama took them."
G, "What? Why would she take them. She doesn't have the dogs."
D19 exasperated, "I don't know Dad. Let's go...I'm tired. I can't make it. I'm gonna die."

Out the door we go, telling S12 to finish up, it is time for bed when we get back. We see W sitting in her vehicle out front ...

D19, "Here Dad, hold all three crazy dogs while I go say goodnight."

Leashes are tangling all over as the dogs recognize who is there. I spin in leash circles as I watch D19 and W open and close various doors...then W takes something to the house and S12 comes out.

D19, "Dad, she put the dog poop bags back. She thought no one was using them."
I stick to "OK. Let's go walk and you can tell me about your day."
D19, "D17 better not take too long saying goodnight to mom tonight. S12 either."
G, "Well D19, your sister and brother are in a different place, heart and mind, than you are. Their needs are different than yours."
D19, "Not as much as you might think Dad. She just doesn't want to offend."

O ... I wasn't fishing for information. I was trying to say give grace as we all deal with this. Maybe this ties to another statement by D19 a week ago. "Dad, D17 just needs her licence and her own car."

Upset part ?

I still don't get W's logic in taking the dog poop bags, but I am learning to drop it and live with the uncertainty. We walk and come back to an empty car...W must be inside. D19 goes inside while I go to deposit the doggie deposits. Upon entering I see D19 standing by the kitchen with an unhappy and OMG/WTF expression. I hear W's raised unhappy/angry lecture voice.

I take a breath and think "calm, solid, and nothing will perturb my centered-ness." To myself I paraphrase the saying from Dune, "I will face it. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. When this has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

W is lecturing D17 about some interaction with S12. Lots of "you HAVE to" and "you MUST do" and "you CANNOT"... Something about going too far physically. D17 is standing stock still, silent, with her complete poker face on. Face a little pale. I'm NOT getting between them or interacting with them but staying in unperturbed observer mode. S12 and D17 do have a physical/buddy relationship going so ... not unusual for one or the other to take it too far at times. Kids. I keep a lid on it when necessary.

I also noticed S12 has a new bowl of ramen noodles. I remember telling him it was time for bed when we got back... He waited for mom to ask her to make them AFTER bedtime. W also knows it is bedtime. I internally call a foul. W doesn't seem to be able to tell him NO.

W shortly decides not to continue this with D17 as all 5 of us are in the kitchen and D17 is unreactive. W just walks out the front door. I offer D17 a hug and gently suggest she go brush her teeth to be alone for a bit while I complete other end of day tasks for her.

D17, "NO, Dad. Just leave me alone. Let me be!"

Scared of single parenting

G, "OK D17, you let me know what you need. S12, you have 10 minutes for your ramen. You know you were already supposed to be getting ready for bed. I told you this before we left."
D19 decides to jump in...her day job with youngsters has left her with a skill and the itch to correct things. "Dad, that is just what I was going to say. S12, listen to me for a minute. You know Dad is here, I'm here, and D17 is here to help you get food before bedtime. It's not OK to ask her to make you food now late at night. She is here just to give you love and goodnight. Don't do that again."

I motion for her to leave it at that. She has considerable authority with him, but I have to be the root. D17 thinks to herself for a few minutes, then heads out the door to talk to W on her own terms.

D17 comes back in after about five minutes. W pops back in shortly, "S12, please come outside to talk to me for a few minutes."
S12, "No ... I have to finish my ramen first."
G, "Go to your mom first S12, you may have extra time afterwards to finish your ramen."
S12 goes out the door, comes back in after 15 minutes, and goes to brush his teeth. I don't know what they talked about, and I didn't ask. I just ask if he's doing OK and what happened to the ramen.
S12, "I don't know Dad. I don't know. I threw out the rest of the ramen. I didn't want anymore."

I make sure the chicken, rabbit, and three dogs are all taken care of for the night then head upstairs. D19 and D17 are behind closed doors talking animatedly. I'll end up with just six hours sleep again, but I'll let all three children move themselves to bed at their own speed after this episode. A decompression window I think.

I've been scared of single parenting. I worry about all the things that were once divided tasks between H and W. From the beginning of this breakage, what comes next when I zero'd expectations of/from W?

The allusions are Biblical, but the plain meaning applies also.
...reflects a personal journey
...the theme of relying on faith and divine guidance.

God and Me by Jet Trouble

I've gone through quite the ride
And I'm scared of what comes next
I've been up to the mountaintop
I've been lost in the valley's depths
With the almighty rushing wind
That no one stand a chance against
...
God and me when I lost my fight
It was only God and me when He brought me back
God and me as I stood my ground
God and me as the walls came down

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