I've tried to overcome and convince myself that A's mean nothing but it has had me in tears for hours now. I may need to implement scheduled anger/grieving sessions with timers. I've gotten as far as believing that MLCers are not rational and run....maybe bc I've seen it first hand with H. I guess actions do speak louder than words.
Scheduling a dedicated allotment of time to grieve, cry, get mad, punch a pillow, etc; and then when timer stops, continue on with your day, really does work. It’s part of rewiring our hurt minds and hearts.
Originally Posted by MamaG
In the entire 6 months that H has been out of the house, H has not shared any information with me at all.
That is pretty common. They are very secretive.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I would love to know what is going on in H's head/heart. Nothing.... And this right here is what's kept me in a holding pattern. I've lived in denial and fear as I analyze the bread crumbs. I long for a half bite so I can nourish my emptiness of loss and unknowns.
Yep. You’re on the cusp of letting go. Letting go the denial and fear. Something that helps: Embrace the unknown, the uncertainty.
You only control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. That’s it. Three things. Pour yourself and your efforts into that which you can directly affect.
Thoughts and actions: Embrace and accept limbo. Uncertainty is perfect fine. Let go of that which you cannot control. Grab on to that which you can and do control. And through your actions and efforts you will yield an influence upon the uncertain. Remember, the lighthouse only can, only has to, shine. It’s up to the captain to steer their own ship.
Of course, you are more than just a lighthouse, you are also captain of your own ship. You decide when you let go the holding pattern. And for what’s it’s worth, it’s good, really good to be still, to be in that holding pattern, while one figures out their headings. Keep pondering, keep working towards letting go, keep embracing uncertainty, keep to the path, it does become far less counterintuitive.
Focus on you. Feed your soul not with mere breadcrumbs. (((Hugs))) It takes time to find one’s way. You really are doing well.
Originally Posted by MamaG
As part of my growth, I am proud to say that I don't NEED H. I used to tell H that I want him, I love him and I need him - this all before MLC even. I genuinely believed that I needed him. I now know that I don't NEED him. And, yet another fear: I wonder where 'want' and 'love' will land.
See. Look how well you’re doing.
Want vs need. Oh, I remember that lesson. Good job MG!
As for where ‘want’ and ‘love’ will land:
Originally Posted by MamaG
Do we excuse the MLCer's behavior by classifying it under a term (MLC)? I want to empathize that H is in turmoil and it isn't about me nor M. I can't help but also wonder if LBS simply excuse abandonment, betrayal and unfaithful behaviors under the MLC umbrella.
Keep your heart soft and squishy. Something I strove for. A heading. In letting go, embracing limbo, focusing on me, not looking to breadcrumbs, scheduling time to grieve and cry - in all that, I kept my heart soft and squishy.
Being the recipient of betrayal, abandonment, unfaithfulness, one could easily, maybe even by default, go down a path that hardens their heart. Seems a reasonable response to protect oneself from such hurts. Yet building a wall around our heart is not a great idea. A calcified heart cannot yield. A wall of rock cannot allow someone/something in. Or out!
Soft and squishy is not just for some better future; it’s for the here and now. A harden and walled-off heart cannot let go or let out the hurt, pain, anger, hatred, and such.
Keeping one’s heart soft and squishy, hurts! Lean into the pain. Walk through it. Work through it.
Do we excuse the MLCer’s behaviour? Do we excuse the betrayal, abandonment, unfaithfulness, etc? No. We forgive.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
We can, and should, hold them accountable. And forgive. There is an amazing peace and contentment when one truly lets go of retribution, vengeance, and such. Letting go and writing paid in full on whatever invoice their heart is holding.
Grudges require so much energies to hold on to. Yet, folks struggle to set them down. And not pick them up again.
Soft and squishy. For what it’s worth, is a conviction, a heading through the brambles and bog of hurt, pain, and disillusionment of our situations.
One can love someone and yet not like the behaviour. It’s ok.
‘Want’ and ‘Love’ can remain. And with a soft and squishy heart, I’ll pretty much guarantee they will. What will change, especially in lovingly letting go and forgiving: You. You will change.
You will ‘want’ and ‘love’ you first and foremost!
Also, you likely will still love H. And, in what will seem utterly incredible, you will be perfectly ok letting go of H.
If you truly love someone let them go. I’m sure you’ve heard that before. It took me, my situation to actually learn what that means.
It is incredible the strength one discovers in letting go. Read my post again, and see all that one can let go of. Loving let go of.
Have a great day MG!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
