So the last time H and I talked back in Feb, (we've been NC since)he was concerned abt who would take care of him financially if he couldn't work anymore. H said he could move in with his sister or mom and step-dad but wouldn't feel right taking his spouse with him for them to take care of. We haven't been very smart over the years with our finances and really have nothing. We've lost houses and cars, he made really good money, we have nothing to show for it. I feel like I have nothing to offer him, he's looking for somebody that can support him if that time comes, so why would he come back? I have worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time since 2019, seems like it was too little too late. I should have been doing that as soon as our youngest started school, it would have taken pressure/stress off of him and we might still have something. Not beating myself up just self examining and wondering, if his concern and NC is part of one of the phases. I will say that even though I hate the NC and dont understand it, it has gotten easier. I'm sorry I can't help but wonder abt the phases when things are said or done or not said or done.
Hi Whatlee. Stopping in to say hi and hope you're doing well.
You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. You made decisions that fit your sitch at that time and now you can make adjustments that fit your current sitch and next chapter. Perhaps you seek another (sigh) job or one that earns more than the last. As a part of GALing, I found myself a 'fun' job that is not what I would ever do if it weren't for this MLC sitch that I find myself in and it also happens to pay well. I work for corporate America and got a bartending job. Interesting people out there and often times, I find myself grateful for even this current sitch I'm. While money and learnings isn't why I took the bartending job, it has provided these things. Step out of your comfort zone - to the extent you're comfortable.
I'm certainly no expert but we've all lived a bit and can see things better when responding to someone else's sitch.
Here's my non-expert thoughts on your comment. Whether you get another job or find a different one, or stay with the job(s) you have, save x% of each payroll and do all you can to accumulate a rainy day fund for YOU. The amount you set aside is based on what is reasonable; set a goal for how much you should save by end of summer, by end of year, etc. Not only will you see that you can do it in response to a positive action to what you've learned from reflection, but you'll be working towards the next step - be it a new residence (big goal), get nails done, a treat to self for hard days (small goal), a night out or whatever you wish to spend the savings on upon attaining the goal. Being proud of yourself is a part of being good to ourselves and let's be honest, you've been through a lot and made some sacrifices/changes. I imagine you'd agree that you've been hard on yourself some days, had hard days and questioned your worth. How do you ensure that those days are behind you or at least mostly behind you? What steps can you take to 'fix' or adjust your comment, "We haven't been very smart about our finances and have nothing to show for it." so that you aren't still saying these words at the end of the summer? at the end of the year?
And, maybe, just maybe, H will see that you're 'changing'. If H doesn't notice, that's ok. This adjustment is about you. And, who knows what you'll gain/learn/save?
Hugs and prayers to you.
Last edited by DnJ; 06/10/2402:11 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
Questions #1 Does the LBS go through some of the same phases as the MLCer? Reason asked: I feel withdrawn right now, don't really want to talk or text with anyone I'm close to or anybody for that matter.
Question #2. I read in someone else's thread the crisis last in months the number of years of the marriage, any truth to that?
Question #3. A lot is talked abt the turmoil they're in, do they hide this turmoil from the outside world and try to deal with it in their alone time?
1) The LBS’ path is basically that of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Depression usually has a time with withdrawal. Depression drains the life and joy out of one. It is little wonder we LBS withdrawal for a spell.
The MLCer’s path is one of depression, confusion, and torment. And they run! During their running/replay stage it’s not so much withdrawal as it’s tossing aside anyone and anything that gets in their way or runs counter to their narrative.
If the MLCer awakens and exits replay, they enter depression and withdrawal stages. These, like their former stages, are significantly worse than the LBS’, for they are in crisis.
A MLCer’s crisis is grief mixed with a hodgepodge of unrealized unreconciled trauma(s). Ceaseless torments driving them, enveloping them, consuming them.
So, no a LBS does not go the same stages as a MLCer, because they are not in crisis. There certainly is some similarities though.
I would say, a MLCer who awakens and heals will “mostly” go through the same stages as an LBS. In a different order though.
What, it’s perfectly normal to experience withdrawal. Be gentle on yourself. Depression lifts when it is ready to. (((Hugs)))
2) Unfortunately there is no formula to predict the duration of a person’s crisis. It’s a slow journey once entered. Very slow.
3) The turmoil of the MLCer is beyond reason. It is at crisis level. What they experience and feel exerts such a pressure that they run.
Most MLCers wear a mask. Putting on a happy face, while forcing down their demons with their replay behaviours. Yet, when they are alone and still, their demons come out and play.
The MLCer does try to hide their turmoil from the world. However, they are mostly trying to hide it from themselves. Facing and dealing with the roots of their crisis is post running. They don’t understand why they feel like they do. Those unknown unrealized long ago pains and hurts and traumas. That which is buried alive will later haunt.
And their running behaviours compounds their already difficult journey of discovering the “why” of their torments. So many poor decisions and behaviours enacted during running. Lots to face and overcome.
An awakening is aptly named. It’s when the MLCer opens to their pains. Has experienced enough time and space to start to see and understand that they aren’t to blame for what happened so long ago. And start to realize what they’ve done recently. Plenty of shame, guilt, regret, remorse, etc.
Depression and withdrawal are significant and deep for these fortunate few. It is then, that lots of alone time is invested into dealing with things. And they have lots to deal with. And a bunch of it created by their running.
An LBS who is still involved or involved again with a MLCer during the latter stages of a crisis needs to be very pressure-free. And especially nonjudgemental. This is a razors edge for the crisis person. They are walking back from the abyss. And just like the path to this point, it’s on their time and speed. They must take and invest all the necessary time to figure themselves out.
4) Going dark is a method to regain your mental health and find detachment. It is not a technique for propelling the MLCer forward or some such.
That being said, plenty of LBS remain dark/dim due to disrespectful behaviours from their spouse. That more falls under boundaries. And of course, many MLCers have “fired” the LBS, so it is little wonder conversing is much less than it once was.
It’s perfectly fine to be kind and cordial, and not delve into deep conversation. The MLCer likely won’t anyhow. Basically, let the MLCer lead when they converse, and what topic they wish to speak about. The LBS responds, if appropriate or warranted. Remember, we’re fired. The MLCer doesn’t get, nor has access to the LBS they once had. The 24-48 hour rule is pretty useful for figuring out what and when to respond.
D
Last edited by DnJ; 06/12/2408:18 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ - this is so helpful. I've read so many posts and threads and each one is worded in a concise and informative fashion. And, with each set of words you write, more and more resonates. TY.
Whatlee - Hold tight and dig for patience and compassion. One day at a time. Hugs
Thanks mamaG I am being patient. I will have to say I have come a long way from when my sitch started, which is a testament to my relationship with God, as a matter of fact the last time I saw my H he said I had changed.
I have read your thread and at times I can see myself in them. This forum has helped a lot with understanding, knowledge and distraction. My hope remains in God and his plan for my life.
Dnj, I love when u respond to my questions, you're very informative and I never feel like I'm being chastised. Thanks for being a shoulder to lean on.
Trust me, he hasn't forgotten you. He thinks about you a lot. His brain is scrambled right now and with the depression, it is hard for him to focus on more than one thing at a time. Also, they tend to compartmentalize stuff. Their focus right now is on making themselves feel better. They will try anything and everything to make themselves feel better.
You are probably feeling like he's forgotten you because he has not been in contact with you. They don't stay in contact. Some will pop out periodically, others daily and then there are some who disappear for days, weeks and even months at a time. When he does pop out again, treat him as you always do. Listen closely for he may tell you what has been happening with him during his "quiet" time.
Keep busy, read your bible and know that God has a special plan for the both of you. Dig deeper for patience and remember...you are on his time clock....which is extremely slow.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks job I've had 2 struggle days(this too shall pass), so it's encouraging to know that he does think abt me even though there's no contact. I did tell him Happy Father's Day and that I appreciate him.
Headed to church this morn and I know my struggle will b over. ❤️ my church
Just found out while talking to my S25 that H has moved and changed jobs again, 3rd time moving in 2 years. Actually moved to the same apartments we lived in when S25 was born. Oh well, all I can say is God bless him. I truelly feel sorry for him. It hurts my heart that he is so miserable and doesnt know it or really why and has in the passed refused help. God, I pray he wakes up soon. Do they actually go backward through different phases of their lives? Is that what happens during replay?
In the meantime I have been GALing. Had some really bad varicose veins, cartarized and removed. OUCH!!!!!! I checked into going back to school part time and I'm seriously considering it. That's a big step and I'm anxious abt it. Just need to take the first step and I'll be fine.
I guess that's all for now just wanted to write my thoughts so I don't text them, If you know what I mean.
