1) The LBS’ path is basically that of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Depression usually has a time with withdrawal. Depression drains the life and joy out of one. It is little wonder we LBS withdrawal for a spell.
The MLCer’s path is one of depression, confusion, and torment. And they run! During their running/replay stage it’s not so much withdrawal as it’s tossing aside anyone and anything that gets in their way or runs counter to their narrative.
If the MLCer awakens and exits replay, they enter depression and withdrawal stages. These, like their former stages, are significantly worse than the LBS’, for they are in crisis.
A MLCer’s crisis is grief mixed with a hodgepodge of unrealized unreconciled trauma(s). Ceaseless torments driving them, enveloping them, consuming them.
So, no a LBS does not go the same stages as a MLCer, because they are not in crisis. There certainly is some similarities though.
I would say, a MLCer who awakens and heals will “mostly” go through the same stages as an LBS. In a different order though.
What, it’s perfectly normal to experience withdrawal. Be gentle on yourself. Depression lifts when it is ready to. (((Hugs)))
2) Unfortunately there is no formula to predict the duration of a person’s crisis. It’s a slow journey once entered. Very slow.
3) The turmoil of the MLCer is beyond reason. It is at crisis level. What they experience and feel exerts such a pressure that they run.
Most MLCers wear a mask. Putting on a happy face, while forcing down their demons with their replay behaviours. Yet, when they are alone and still, their demons come out and play.
The MLCer does try to hide their turmoil from the world. However, they are mostly trying to hide it from themselves. Facing and dealing with the roots of their crisis is post running. They don’t understand why they feel like they do. Those unknown unrealized long ago pains and hurts and traumas. That which is buried alive will later haunt.
And their running behaviours compounds their already difficult journey of discovering the “why” of their torments. So many poor decisions and behaviours enacted during running. Lots to face and overcome.
An awakening is aptly named. It’s when the MLCer opens to their pains. Has experienced enough time and space to start to see and understand that they aren’t to blame for what happened so long ago. And start to realize what they’ve done recently. Plenty of shame, guilt, regret, remorse, etc.
Depression and withdrawal are significant and deep for these fortunate few. It is then, that lots of alone time is invested into dealing with things. And they have lots to deal with. And a bunch of it created by their running.
An LBS who is still involved or involved again with a MLCer during the latter stages of a crisis needs to be very pressure-free. And especially nonjudgemental. This is a razors edge for the crisis person. They are walking back from the abyss. And just like the path to this point, it’s on their time and speed. They must take and invest all the necessary time to figure themselves out.
4) Going dark is a method to regain your mental health and find detachment. It is not a technique for propelling the MLCer forward or some such.
That being said, plenty of LBS remain dark/dim due to disrespectful behaviours from their spouse. That more falls under boundaries. And of course, many MLCers have “fired” the LBS, so it is little wonder conversing is much less than it once was.
It’s perfectly fine to be kind and cordial, and not delve into deep conversation. The MLCer likely won’t anyhow. Basically, let the MLCer lead when they converse, and what topic they wish to speak about. The LBS responds, if appropriate or warranted. Remember, we’re fired. The MLCer doesn’t get, nor has access to the LBS they once had. The 24-48 hour rule is pretty useful for figuring out what and when to respond.
D
Last edited by DnJ; 06/12/2408:18 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
