What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

English is my second language. Fluent since I was five. (LOL! Funny stuff!)

There! I admitted fears - isn't that step one?!

It certainly is.

I'm afraid to admit that H may not return home and maybe we're really not working through things.

(((Hugs)))

Let go. You cannot control H coming home, nor if he is/will work through things. You can only control you. So, work through your things.

I am ashamed of the marriage failing - I take it personally. And, I fear that I am being cheated on and don't know it. I'm not sure I'm ready to hear those words if I admit to knowing H is no longer home and then I'm informed that such person saw H with X person.

Ah, there is a deep kernel of your fear (and denial).

You took that first step.

Step one taken, and you’re still fine.

Fear is insidious. It tangles one’s emotional responses, triggering events, and possible undesirable futures/outcomes into a feedback loop. Rationalizing, cleaving those bonds lessens one’s fear.

The root of any fear is the threat, be it real or imagined, of harm. That’s the key - threat. Fear is regarding a possibility, a potential, a threat of harm. The harm can be physical, emotional, psychological - any aspect of our well-being.

Once something happens, the threat is over. Perhaps one even suffered harm. Oddly there is no fear regarding that particular episode. Fear is about the future. One may fear a repeat or some such, yet whatever harm has occurred is now in the realm of the here and now and is processed. Example, I don’t fear falling off a ladder once I’m laying on the ground struggling to regain my breath.

Most fears are imagined. I might even go so far to say/define all fears are imagined. Fears are imaginary, dangers are real. Deal with clear and present dangers. Don’t get bogged down fearing what might happen.

Fearless does not mean reckless.

Me climbing a ladder without due caution and care, that would be reckless. There is a level of danger/risk using a ladder. I take steps, necessary precautions of setting it up correctly and ensuring correct grip, to lessen those risks, that danger. If one’s fear is in command, they could not climb the rungs. Paralyzing.

while GALing today, I was asked by someone...and yes, I lied again. Soon enough I'm going to make myself look bad and untrustworthy to cover something for H. UGH! Please help me with my scripted to response to inquiring minds.

I agree, you do not want to lie to cover up H’s behaviours. Heck, you don’t want to lie, period.

So, how about starting now, no further lies. How about it? Next time, just state the facts, and let the chips fall as they will. Let go your fear.

If you are wanting a more, perhaps a better, step forward. Call those inquiring minds, the uncle/aunt who are concerned about you, and tell them. Or others that are closer and should likely know. Don’t wait for the next time.

By the way, that is a technique to sever that feedback loop. Come at it sideways. Do not wait for the next trigger and the response flood of emotions. You trigger it, while feeling/thinking differently. Get this “admitting” into your past, instead of your future. Imagine how good that will feel!

Call them up. “I wish to clear up something from the other day. You asked about H and I keep avoiding stating that H and I are having relationship problems. I’ve been covering that up for months now. H has actually moved out. I am sorry I mislead you. I know you care about me, and I likely could use your support as well.”

Something along those lines.

D