What can I do differently?

[MamaG]

DnJ - TY for the instructions on how to get those quotes on here!! Love it!

When friends and family ask where is H. Something like: “H and I are having difficulties. He has moved out (6 months ago) and living on his own.”

Fam/Friend, W told me she was unhappy and is “in love” with another man. She is proceeding with divorce. She moved herself out fall of 2023. I and our children are doing surprisingly well in our home. She is NOT my enemy.

I think a huge part of me is ready to start admitting the change in our relationship. But, I struggle with finding words to express myself eloquently and safely...feelings are hardest for me to summarize my thoughts. I even find myself laughing and excusing my struggle with 'English was my second language'. While it is true that it was my second language, I've been fluent in English since I was 5! I'm truly just sharing some humor.

These quotes inspire and provide approaches that on my own don't seem to come together no matter how hard I try.

The other part of me is definitely in fear. Nailed it, grok! I fear that me sharing the news will save H from sharing it (confrontation that H has always avoided). I fear that the more folks who know will make it harder for H to 'save face' and come home. Again, confrontation for H, as well as shame/blame. I don't want H to have any more obstacles to go through in order to decide coming home. I fear the news further spreading and me having to tell the story more. I fear admitting it to myself because than it's just that much more real (denial). I fear crying/emotions when asked. I fear judgement and further gossiping in this small town. There! I admitted fears - isn't that step one?! Perhaps my response becomes, "H and I are working through some things. As you know, relationships are hard." If further asked about living arrangements, I can further admit, "Yes, H is living elsewhere as we work through things."

Some “hopefully” helpful sideline observations: You said “not admitting” the fact that H lives down the road. Rather than “not stating” the fact that H lives down the road. Why admitting vs stating?

To me, that is the kernel. Not admitting. To who? Methinks, yourself.

Of course you know where H lives. What are you are not admitting? What are you are fearing? That is crux. That is the why.

...As I write my edited version of possible responses (and re-read your response), I just learned another fear of mine. I'm afraid to admit that H may not return home and maybe we're really not working through things. Ok, tissues please. $hit!

I was ashamed of the failure of my marriage, ashamed of being cheated on.

I am ashamed of the marriage failing - I take it personally. And, I fear that I am being cheated on and don't know it. I'm not sure I'm ready to hear those words if I admit to knowing H is no longer home and then I'm informed that such person saw H with X person.

Not sure if H's story is being shared by H anymore - he doesn't get out much - but I can tell you that H's story was/is, "I bought a house and moved out. I'm no longer a yes-man." Back to 'English is my second language', what do I include in my facts to mirror H's story? Keep in mind that both H and I still wear our wedding bands. Actually, does this have any baring on the script?

Many, many, many, months past BD, when I could speak, I eventually was able to just state very short factual description using W’s own words/actions.

BTW, while GALing today, I was asked by someone...and yes, I lied again. Soon enough I'm going to make myself look bad and untrustworthy to cover something for H. UGH! Please help me with my scripted to response to inquiring minds.

“Thanks, I’ve got my own arrangements to get to the appointment.”

"I have a ride, thanks” “Nothing new or unexpected ”

Thank you! I know it seems so simply for you, but it doesn't come easily here. I wonder if part of me is still internally challenging the counterintuitive approach which makes me short on words.

If you chase a child, the child runs away. If you run away from the child, the child cases you. Same with your dogs.

I get what you're proposing - TY. Can you clarify that the child is H? If this is true, I have seen some of the chasing but continue to wonder if its a chase in response to me going NC (except providing responses) or if H is simply a clingy boomerang.

Thank you, all!