What can I do differently?

[MamaG]

I typed an open bracket then 'pasted' the words from poster, then added the close bracket and that's what I got... Not quite

[DnJ]

Hi MG

Certain words in square brackets are interpreted as commands by the forum software. One of those commands is quote.

The structure, or syntax, of the command is (I’ll purposefully leave a space right after the first square bracket, otherwise the software will perform the quoting and you won’t be able to see the structure):

[ quote=Poster’s Name]The text you wish to quote.[/quote]

Typing the above line exactly as is, minus that leading space between “[” and “quote” will yield:

The text you wish to quote.

Pressing preview will display the quote so you can ensure before posting.

Try it out and let me know how it works for you.



Once you get it figured the other commands follow similar.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2948866#Post2948866

D

[MamaG]

Hello friends, near and far.
I'm DBing and embracing it. It's still hard, but I'm embracing it and feeling good about it. Spent 4 hours with my dad's side of the family yesterday. LOTS of cousins and aunts/uncles. I LOVED every second even though I was afraid they'd ask where H was. They may or may not know, but I had to prepare myself for what I'd say. I'm still not admitting the fact that H lives down the road. Is that denial?

Anyway, only one aunt/uncle couple asked if H was hurt or what was reason for not attending (H always attended and was enjoyable). I responded with H's job requires him to work sometimes so H couldn't come. That was the only interrogation - I feared more than that and considered not attending. SO glad that I decided to go. Laughs and hugs all around. So many memories shared. Truly a great afternoon with my fam and a reminder that I don't need H to enjoy life.

The cousins are even planning to go visit one of the cousins who flew in. A vacation with the cousins sounds awesome! What a win.

Question for my virtual family - I have a f/u appt this week that I know H will expect to attend. Please help me answer the following questions as I expect that will be this week's flavor of CB (clingy boomerang).

What time can I pick you up for appt?
What did you learn? What did dr say? (since H won't be attending)

Hoping you're all enjoying the weekend.

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

I'm still not admitting the fact that H lives down the road. Is that denial?

Yes, it kind of is.

one aunt/uncle couple asked if H was hurt or what was reason for not attending (H always attended and was enjoyable). I responded with H's job requires him to work sometimes so H couldn't come. That was the only interrogation - I feared more than that and considered not attending.

Let go your fear.

Fear is paralyzing. Its tentacles ensnare and bind us.

Fear is about what might happen. For once something has happened and whatever fallout has occurred, it is over, and we no longer fear.

It’s perfectly normal and a healthy mechanism to be wary of future “dangers”. Realize a couple of things though: Our highly tuned fight or flight instincts that protected us are a bit misaligned for the modern world; not too many sabre-toothed tigers ready to pounce on us. And most fears do not come to pass. We can see many possibilities, many futures. Fear focuses us on the negative ones. And that which we focus on becomes larger.

So, why are you not admitting where H lives?

What are you fearing?

Some “hopefully” helpful sideline observations: You said “not admitting” the fact that H lives down the road. Rather than “not stating” the fact that H lives down the road. Why admitting vs stating?

To me, that is the kernel. Not admitting. To who? Methinks, yourself.

Of course you know where H lives. What are you are not admitting? What are you are fearing? That is crux. That is the why.

For me, back then, I was ashamed of the failure of my marriage, ashamed of being cheated on. Scared of being alone, raising the kids alone, having no one to bounce ideas off of, and so on. I personalized all that, as a failing within me. I did figure out that XW’s behaviour is on her, not me.

I admitted my mistakes and shortcomings, and went about correcting them. To, begrudgingly, figure out how to live a single man’s life. A lot of inner work for sure.

In my situation, XW was flaunting her OM and her new living arrangements. Oh, she was so brash and bold and rebellious. It’s a small town and stuff gets around fast!

Anyhow, back to uncle/aunt’s query of the whereabouts of H. Was H working? Was he even invited?

To family and friend’s questions about our spouse and relationship there are choices in response. Deflecting is definitely only an options for a short while. H moved out 6 months ago. The cat will get out of the bag, and then what?

Going nuclear and blasting the particulars is a road sometimes taken. It certainly gets it all out there. And usually drives a pretty big wedge. Nuclear is not something I’d recommend. Especially for promoting any possible reconciliation down the road. Let your spouse spill the dirt. You just focus on you and live your life.

I would more walk the “stick to the facts” path. When friends and family ask where is H. Something like: “H and I are having difficulties. He has moved out (6 months ago) and living on his own.”

Admitting. Stating. Both in one.

Not too much info, and not too little.

There is usually further probing inquires after such a statement. A response: “I and grateful and appreciate your support and concern for me. It is helpful to know I can reach out and lean on you. For right now, I am doing pretty good.”

For some family / really close friends / confidants you can certainly share more details if you wish.


As for H’s likely questions regarding your appointment.

What time can I pick you up for appt?
What did you learn? What did dr say? (since H won't be attending)

Dial your expectations to zero. (You even stated you expect H to ask.)

Unmet expectations lead to resentment.

How do you think you’d feel if H doesn’t ask any questions? Keep those expectations to zero. Then just deal with whatever happens. Let the future unfurl as it will. Kind of similar to letting go fear.

If H asks, you know you don’t have to reply to every inquiry of his. H is not acting like the husband you want or are deserving of. No need to reward his behaviour. That being said, him questioning may be slightly deserving of response. Keep it brief and business-like.

“Thanks, I’ve got my own arrangements to get to the appointment.”

D

[grok]

Spent 4 hours with my dad's side of the family yesterday. LOTS of cousins and aunts/uncles. I LOVED every second even though I was afraid they'd ask where H was. They may or may not know, but I had to prepare myself for what I'd say. I'm still not admitting the fact that H lives down the road. Is that denial?

No, not denial. Fear. The news and the effects rippling out beyond your control is scary. Unknown effects. Good and Ill. For you and for him both. I struggled with what to say to anyone, never mind family. How do you say any of this without it appearing as attempts to harm? How will that affect relations?

Anyway, only one aunt/uncle couple asked if H was hurt or what was reason for not attending (H always attended and was enjoyable). I responded with H's job requires him to work sometimes so H couldn't come. That was the only interrogation - I feared more than that and considered not attending. SO glad that I decided to go. Laughs and hugs all around. So many memories shared. Truly a great afternoon with my fam and a reminder that I don't need H to enjoy life.

Many, many, many, months past BD, when I could speak, I eventually was able to just state very short factual description using W’s own words/actions.

- Fam/Friend, W told me she was unhappy and is “in love” with another man. She is proceeding with divorce. She moved herself out fall of 2023. I and our children are doing surprisingly well in our home. She is NOT my enemy.

Does this blame, cause harm, etc? Perhaps, but it is the bare truth. I’m letting the chips fall where they may. The SUNSHINE of truth is necessary for all of us. That doesn’t mean I go any further into details. I’m avoiding generating battling contingents of friends and family. I won’t put them in the middle. I also refuse to be held hostage to my FEAR of people knowing the truth of what IS happening.

I'm so glad you had such a time with family! That kind of support is immensely helpful to the state of your heart and mind. My family is on the other side of the US. I did take a two week trip with the kids to see them ~6 months after BD. It was wonderful to the heart and soul.

What time can I pick you up for appt?
What did you learn? What did dr say? (since H won't be attending)

Lets see if I have this right…brevity version
“I have a ride, thanks”
“Nothing new or unexpected ”

g

[Ready2Change]

R2C: do you think H is pursuing me (on a small scale!) with his texts of 'care' or is H a clingy boomerang?

I am following your sitch "Loosly"...IE not into all the details. My input is more based on my understanding of what works in most cases for most people.


If you chase a child, the child runs away. If you run away from the child, the child cases you. Same with your dogs.

[MamaG]

DnJ - TY for the instructions on how to get those quotes on here!! Love it!

When friends and family ask where is H. Something like: “H and I are having difficulties. He has moved out (6 months ago) and living on his own.”

Fam/Friend, W told me she was unhappy and is “in love” with another man. She is proceeding with divorce. She moved herself out fall of 2023. I and our children are doing surprisingly well in our home. She is NOT my enemy.

I think a huge part of me is ready to start admitting the change in our relationship. But, I struggle with finding words to express myself eloquently and safely...feelings are hardest for me to summarize my thoughts. I even find myself laughing and excusing my struggle with 'English was my second language'. While it is true that it was my second language, I've been fluent in English since I was 5! I'm truly just sharing some humor.

These quotes inspire and provide approaches that on my own don't seem to come together no matter how hard I try.

The other part of me is definitely in fear. Nailed it, grok! I fear that me sharing the news will save H from sharing it (confrontation that H has always avoided). I fear that the more folks who know will make it harder for H to 'save face' and come home. Again, confrontation for H, as well as shame/blame. I don't want H to have any more obstacles to go through in order to decide coming home. I fear the news further spreading and me having to tell the story more. I fear admitting it to myself because than it's just that much more real (denial). I fear crying/emotions when asked. I fear judgement and further gossiping in this small town. There! I admitted fears - isn't that step one?! Perhaps my response becomes, "H and I are working through some things. As you know, relationships are hard." If further asked about living arrangements, I can further admit, "Yes, H is living elsewhere as we work through things."

Some “hopefully” helpful sideline observations: You said “not admitting” the fact that H lives down the road. Rather than “not stating” the fact that H lives down the road. Why admitting vs stating?

To me, that is the kernel. Not admitting. To who? Methinks, yourself.

Of course you know where H lives. What are you are not admitting? What are you are fearing? That is crux. That is the why.

...As I write my edited version of possible responses (and re-read your response), I just learned another fear of mine. I'm afraid to admit that H may not return home and maybe we're really not working through things. Ok, tissues please. $hit!

I was ashamed of the failure of my marriage, ashamed of being cheated on.

I am ashamed of the marriage failing - I take it personally. And, I fear that I am being cheated on and don't know it. I'm not sure I'm ready to hear those words if I admit to knowing H is no longer home and then I'm informed that such person saw H with X person.

Not sure if H's story is being shared by H anymore - he doesn't get out much - but I can tell you that H's story was/is, "I bought a house and moved out. I'm no longer a yes-man." Back to 'English is my second language', what do I include in my facts to mirror H's story? Keep in mind that both H and I still wear our wedding bands. Actually, does this have any baring on the script?

Many, many, many, months past BD, when I could speak, I eventually was able to just state very short factual description using W’s own words/actions.

BTW, while GALing today, I was asked by someone...and yes, I lied again. Soon enough I'm going to make myself look bad and untrustworthy to cover something for H. UGH! Please help me with my scripted to response to inquiring minds.

“Thanks, I’ve got my own arrangements to get to the appointment.”

"I have a ride, thanks” “Nothing new or unexpected ”

Thank you! I know it seems so simply for you, but it doesn't come easily here. I wonder if part of me is still internally challenging the counterintuitive approach which makes me short on words.

If you chase a child, the child runs away. If you run away from the child, the child cases you. Same with your dogs.

I get what you're proposing - TY. Can you clarify that the child is H? If this is true, I have seen some of the chasing but continue to wonder if its a chase in response to me going NC (except providing responses) or if H is simply a clingy boomerang.

Thank you, all!

[DnJ]

DnJ - TY for the instructions on how to get those quotes on here!! Love it!

Excellent! Glad it worked.

[grok]

MamaG,

These quotes inspire and provide approaches that on my own don't seem to come together no matter how hard I try.

Thank you! I know it seems so simply for you, but it doesn't come easily here. I wonder if part of me is still internally challenging the counterintuitive approach which makes me short on words.

No, not simply or easy for me. Someone you know well ... knows exactly why it SEEMS that way.

I'm certainly no expert but we've all lived a bit and can see things better when responding to someone else's sitch.

g

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

English is my second language. Fluent since I was five. (LOL! Funny stuff!)

There! I admitted fears - isn't that step one?!

It certainly is.

I'm afraid to admit that H may not return home and maybe we're really not working through things.

(((Hugs)))

Let go. You cannot control H coming home, nor if he is/will work through things. You can only control you. So, work through your things.

I am ashamed of the marriage failing - I take it personally. And, I fear that I am being cheated on and don't know it. I'm not sure I'm ready to hear those words if I admit to knowing H is no longer home and then I'm informed that such person saw H with X person.

Ah, there is a deep kernel of your fear (and denial).

You took that first step.

Step one taken, and you’re still fine.

Fear is insidious. It tangles one’s emotional responses, triggering events, and possible undesirable futures/outcomes into a feedback loop. Rationalizing, cleaving those bonds lessens one’s fear.

The root of any fear is the threat, be it real or imagined, of harm. That’s the key - threat. Fear is regarding a possibility, a potential, a threat of harm. The harm can be physical, emotional, psychological - any aspect of our well-being.

Once something happens, the threat is over. Perhaps one even suffered harm. Oddly there is no fear regarding that particular episode. Fear is about the future. One may fear a repeat or some such, yet whatever harm has occurred is now in the realm of the here and now and is processed. Example, I don’t fear falling off a ladder once I’m laying on the ground struggling to regain my breath.

Most fears are imagined. I might even go so far to say/define all fears are imagined. Fears are imaginary, dangers are real. Deal with clear and present dangers. Don’t get bogged down fearing what might happen.

Fearless does not mean reckless.

Me climbing a ladder without due caution and care, that would be reckless. There is a level of danger/risk using a ladder. I take steps, necessary precautions of setting it up correctly and ensuring correct grip, to lessen those risks, that danger. If one’s fear is in command, they could not climb the rungs. Paralyzing.

while GALing today, I was asked by someone...and yes, I lied again. Soon enough I'm going to make myself look bad and untrustworthy to cover something for H. UGH! Please help me with my scripted to response to inquiring minds.

I agree, you do not want to lie to cover up H’s behaviours. Heck, you don’t want to lie, period.

So, how about starting now, no further lies. How about it? Next time, just state the facts, and let the chips fall as they will. Let go your fear.

If you are wanting a more, perhaps a better, step forward. Call those inquiring minds, the uncle/aunt who are concerned about you, and tell them. Or others that are closer and should likely know. Don’t wait for the next time.

By the way, that is a technique to sever that feedback loop. Come at it sideways. Do not wait for the next trigger and the response flood of emotions. You trigger it, while feeling/thinking differently. Get this “admitting” into your past, instead of your future. Imagine how good that will feel!

Call them up. “I wish to clear up something from the other day. You asked about H and I keep avoiding stating that H and I are having relationship problems. I’ve been covering that up for months now. H has actually moved out. I am sorry I mislead you. I know you care about me, and I likely could use your support as well.”

Something along those lines.

D