What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

I'm still not admitting the fact that H lives down the road. Is that denial?

Yes, it kind of is.

one aunt/uncle couple asked if H was hurt or what was reason for not attending (H always attended and was enjoyable). I responded with H's job requires him to work sometimes so H couldn't come. That was the only interrogation - I feared more than that and considered not attending.

Let go your fear.

Fear is paralyzing. Its tentacles ensnare and bind us.

Fear is about what might happen. For once something has happened and whatever fallout has occurred, it is over, and we no longer fear.

It’s perfectly normal and a healthy mechanism to be wary of future “dangers”. Realize a couple of things though: Our highly tuned fight or flight instincts that protected us are a bit misaligned for the modern world; not too many sabre-toothed tigers ready to pounce on us. And most fears do not come to pass. We can see many possibilities, many futures. Fear focuses us on the negative ones. And that which we focus on becomes larger.

So, why are you not admitting where H lives?

What are you fearing?

Some “hopefully” helpful sideline observations: You said “not admitting” the fact that H lives down the road. Rather than “not stating” the fact that H lives down the road. Why admitting vs stating?

To me, that is the kernel. Not admitting. To who? Methinks, yourself.

Of course you know where H lives. What are you are not admitting? What are you are fearing? That is crux. That is the why.

For me, back then, I was ashamed of the failure of my marriage, ashamed of being cheated on. Scared of being alone, raising the kids alone, having no one to bounce ideas off of, and so on. I personalized all that, as a failing within me. I did figure out that XW’s behaviour is on her, not me.

I admitted my mistakes and shortcomings, and went about correcting them. To, begrudgingly, figure out how to live a single man’s life. A lot of inner work for sure.

In my situation, XW was flaunting her OM and her new living arrangements. Oh, she was so brash and bold and rebellious. It’s a small town and stuff gets around fast!

Anyhow, back to uncle/aunt’s query of the whereabouts of H. Was H working? Was he even invited?

To family and friend’s questions about our spouse and relationship there are choices in response. Deflecting is definitely only an options for a short while. H moved out 6 months ago. The cat will get out of the bag, and then what?

Going nuclear and blasting the particulars is a road sometimes taken. It certainly gets it all out there. And usually drives a pretty big wedge. Nuclear is not something I’d recommend. Especially for promoting any possible reconciliation down the road. Let your spouse spill the dirt. You just focus on you and live your life.

I would more walk the “stick to the facts” path. When friends and family ask where is H. Something like: “H and I are having difficulties. He has moved out (6 months ago) and living on his own.”

Admitting. Stating. Both in one.

Not too much info, and not too little.

There is usually further probing inquires after such a statement. A response: “I and grateful and appreciate your support and concern for me. It is helpful to know I can reach out and lean on you. For right now, I am doing pretty good.”

For some family / really close friends / confidants you can certainly share more details if you wish.


As for H’s likely questions regarding your appointment.

What time can I pick you up for appt?
What did you learn? What did dr say? (since H won't be attending)

Dial your expectations to zero. (You even stated you expect H to ask.)

Unmet expectations lead to resentment.

How do you think you’d feel if H doesn’t ask any questions? Keep those expectations to zero. Then just deal with whatever happens. Let the future unfurl as it will. Kind of similar to letting go fear.

If H asks, you know you don’t have to reply to every inquiry of his. H is not acting like the husband you want or are deserving of. No need to reward his behaviour. That being said, him questioning may be slightly deserving of response. Keep it brief and business-like.

“Thanks, I’ve got my own arrangements to get to the appointment.”

D