What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

Hello MG

Yep, lighthouses don’t go running around the island looking for ships for save. They just stand strong and shine their light.

Believe me, if these are positive signs that he's making progress but I need to stay the course with short responses, I will do just that.

H’s progress is slow and in a positive direction. Stay the course. Remain kind and cordial. And dig for patience!

I don't want to push H nor stir the pot unless he's in withdrawal - that's what I've learned.

Pressure is a huge thing for these troubled souls. Definitely don’t want to push.

In my opinion, that goes double during withdrawal. The LBS needs to back off even more during that time. The MLCer will cease their running behaviours, withdrawal inward, shrink from the world and everybody while they figure out and face their demons and what they’ve done. It’s one of the more critical phases for them. Some crisis folks regress back to running for a bit, some go back and forth a few times, yet with good fortune they will keep progressing forward and work their way through it and enter the stage(s) of acceptance.

Even then, acceptance - little to no pressure from you. An awakened MLCer will have plenty of pressure from themselves. Kind, cordial, open, honest, respectful communication is needed. There will be lots of things to repair. Lots to build anew.

The best stirring of the pot, or shaking the boggle cube to get the MLCer some new letters, comes from focusing on you. A genuine 180, for you. If it stirs up H, fine. Or not fine. Whatever. That’s the point. It’s for you! Do it for you! Let the chips fall where they will. If that stirs or not, matters not.

Vets told me I'd know if H was trying. I don't know how I'd know that H is trying, but doesn't know how to take the first step versus touch-n-go'ing to go back to replay.

A couple of things from my perspective.

Do or do not, there is no try. Don’t worry or pay attention to H trying or not. It’s when H is doing, not H trying, that you’ll know he is coming around.

Stop making excuses for him. H is a grown man. He knew enough how to drop the bomb and move out. He can figure out how to take his necessary steps back. And by the way, he needs to figure that out. It’s good for him to struggle his way through it.

Remember, you don’t place boulders on H’s path, yet you don’t pave it in gold either. It’s his journey. He is going to walk it at his speed.

H has remained very interested in my health and enjoys coming to the family home. Not sure I should continue 'letting' him be so comfortable. My thought is to continue declining home visits for repairs but provide updates on health. Thoughts?

Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

Continue your path. Continue to maintain and look after your house and finances sans H. I’d likely keep replying to H while utilizing the 24-48 hour. Communication between you and he is a good thing. Be non-confrontational, nonjudgemental, kind, and cordial. Brevity is your ally whilst conversing with H.

H is running on emotions. He cannot handle anyone else’s. He wants, is driven to find time and space. Yet, still circles back every now and then. It’s wildly difficult to understand how/why they would do such a thing. Remember, they ain’t operating based on rational logical thought. H simply feels like it. So he reaches out. And other times he doesn’t.

Is this a good response?:
Yes, I'm nearly back to myself. While you're unable to be an appropriate husband, I can only love you from a distance. When you choose to be an appropriate husband, we could discuss what to do to repair our marriage. Until then, I hope that time and space continues to help you with your happiness.

I agree with R2C. Short and simple is better.

MLCer have the attention span of a gnat. They really do. Also, I’d cut out the bit on H being an inappropriate husband. It will just put his back against the wall, making him defensive.

I get it. And you are correct. Yet: A LBS drinks a lot of STFU smoothies! (Thanks Mach1 )

Ask yourself, does/would your proposed reply bring you closer or further from your goal?

Like I said, I understand. It’s totally unfair and inequitable. The LBS has the lion’s share here. Be kind. Be cordial. Be non combative, nonjudgemental, non-confrontational, etc. Such is the path.

All while not being a pushover or doormat. Easy. Right. lol.

Text to me: How are you feeling? Back to yourself? Did you get results post surgery?

H, I’m doing fine. Back to 100%.




D