I did make it through TSquared2's story a few weeks back. So many resonances... so much I don't have time to write.
Originally Posted by TSquared2
I have read that people "re-create" the marital environment they grew up in,
Her mom strayed, briefly early on, and apparently her dad never let her forget it when upset. I didn't know this until this last year. I've wondered if she saw me in the role of her dad. I've wondered if she thought her mom missed out on the opportunity for a better man/life.
I saw a similarity in the way that you think. I thought perhaps that T2 would resonate with you when you go inside of yourself.
There were some really good things about forgiveness in around thread 15 and 16....
Let me know if you want to dive into another poster's threads.
I have a couple that might resonate with you.
Originally Posted by grok
It's been a few days since posting on my thread. Daily life eating up all the time... emotional swings more muted these days. I don't much ponder what W is doing or why.
I haven't seen W much. She still stops by just before bed time most nights and the kids go out to her car for 5 or 10 minutes. I find it fascinating that when they know she is there, they will finish up their current activities and go out when they feel like it. While she waits. They appear in control.
W does come by for an hour or two most work days to do a little schoolwork with S12 while I am out. This is reminding me of grandparents who stop by for a little while to get their kid fix...then leave again. W many months back, "I feel so relieved at my RV, I don't have everyone wanting something from me all the time." Everyone could only mean our children. "They need a Dad more now anyway." "I'm so much more than a stay at home mom/housewife and homeschooler, not that there is anything wrong with that. I'll be the mom that comes home late with pizza now." This is opposite of what SHE CHOSE for all our time together. Two years ago she would have been upset with a woman who said, "not that there is anything wrong with that." Those roles can be hard work!
It feels like,
Originally Posted by MrP
My wife acknowledged at one point that part of her interest in a D was to enable her to essentially only be an active parent 50% of the time.
W was leaving as I came home from work the other day and she asked me I I had gotten my financial affidavit notarized yet, the last piece of paperwork she needs to go file the mediated uncontested divorce. The notary had been out sick though. Then she was sure to let me know, "G, I have a job working housekeeping at the RV park now. The best thing is it comes with a large shed to keep my stuff in. I've been taking a load of my books out each day." You see we have both been avid readers and have kept less than one tenth of what we have read in ... I think 15 full size book cases!
So...excited for a housekeeping job after all her grand plans of cool "gig work" last year... and reasons for D that now is the time to REALLY LIVE LIFE as OM flies an airplane and goes deep sea fishing. You know, I have a non-current private pilots license. Been good at water ski, snow ski, rock climb, motorcycle on and off road, remote backpacking, climbed a glacier, etc... And other things. I stopped doing many of them to pay and have time for CHILDREN and a HOME that we had AGREED on.
Where are you at with all of that ^^^ ???
I'm sensing some anger in you, and maybe a bit of resentment toward her.
And that's not always a bad thing.
Like most emotions, anger is a tool for you so that you can propel yourself forward from it.
As long as it's your fuel.
I've seen so many Women in the past that have defined themselves through their "roles" in life.
A Daughter, Sister, Wife, Mother, Friend...
And through those roles, they seem to get lost, and forget how to be something for themselves.
I think that us guys have it a little different. And I would say that it comes through our natural roles in life. Men are naturally ingrained to be providers, and that role allows us to remove the overly emotional aspect of living in most cases. If something is wrong, or broken, we fix it.
Yet with Women being more naturally predisposed as nurturers, those roles weigh heavily on them. If we fail, it is more out in the open...
If Women fail, I think that it would be more of a hidden guilt for them. When things break or go wrong, we Men , as fixers, jump in and adjust the situation to work out.
We've "fixed" the problem (the ends justify the means, right? ) regardless the storm that was created in doing so.
Things that may not surface for years. However, 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 will still get to a million eventually...little things add up over time....
And I cannot imagine how that feels to a Woman that defines herself by her "roles" ..
To have someone else come in behind me and demoralize my abilities within my role...
I would assume that it comes across to them as a Fatherly thing, and truthfully, I have been guilty of stepping in during moments like this.
I'm also sure that most Women trying to find out who they are without the roles do not want a Fatherly figure leading them.
They want, need , and crave to figure things out for themselves. And while it may not be true, what's true to them is that it is "for the first time in my life".....(interject whatever is happening at the moment)
Just something to think about for you...
Maybe take a peek to see if it is anger, and make sure that it doesn't manifest into judgement...
If it is anger, make sure that you use it as a shield instead of a sword....
Something that I haven't seen around here in a long time is to applaud the 2% that is going right...
Applaud the 2% of the movement that they are making toward their own healing, and the steps along the way....
Mostly though...
Don't forget to "just be" , and trust the process and your faith along the way.
