I found that first year to be tough. And kids do as well. All those special dates, the first Christmas, birthday, new years, valentines, etc; after BD, then after separation, then after divorce. Well, a few first “first” ones, right?
Such is grief. We grieve the loss of our old normal and find acceptance of our new normal.
I experienced a likewise depression and “firsts” after the death of my grandparents years ago, and now, present day, my cousin as well. And will again with my parents and other losses. It’s perfectly healthy and normal. Not a complete list of my losses by any stretch, just illustrating the similarity of the grief process is all. The amplitude and duration of one’s grief, ah, that is/was quite a bit larger for the martial situation.
Life is full of loss/change events and the corresponding grief. Even positive change, example retirement, has a loss component. Loss of camaraderie, loss of routine, loss of idiot bosses (haha), and so on. Some losses are much quicker to find acceptance with.
Big stuff like divorce, my advice is no major changes for one year. Let all those firsts be assimilated and experienced. Let all that settle. That’s one year after signing and stamped by the courts. A year for the ink to dry. Signed and finalized is definitely new/different/more than legally separated.
Originally Posted by Terapin
My mental state has been pretty good I guess. I still find myself thinking about XW a lot. Not really missing her, but just missing the former life.
Yep.
Coming up on seven years and I still think of my XW. She’s the mother of our children. We were together for 31 years. We didn’t/don’t even coparent, like you are doing. I had sole custody.
You don’t forget. You find peace with it.
As in: My mental state is good. Really good. I do think about XW every now and then. I do miss her, and the life I had. I absolutely love the life I do have!
There is not buts about it. No “buts”, no justifications, no building exceptions to the rule. I just live it.
Acceptance, peace, contentment, it comes. It takes time. One day you simply realize it. No I guess, no buts, just are, just is.
Same for dating, or being ready to. Discover you before discovering someone else. There will be no guesswork when you are truly ready.
Have a great day T.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
