So just checking back in here. Pretty much counting down the days until I leave, now less than a month away. Mediation has all the documentation ready and just awaiting back response from mediator. Majority of big items from house are gone. It has been somewhat therapeutic giving my personal things to people that I know, it's not as difficult as it was in beginning. I'm starting to realize how little value possessions have to ones life and well being. It somewhat reminds me of where I came from, to which I am returning, came to this country with no possession, no toys, no luxuries, not knowing the language and learning to value simple things and connections with people. Somrthing stood out for me - one of my 2 close friends, and one i confided heavily in, came over to my house to get some things, he told me his daughter age 10 asked him what happened to our backyard. I normally have a beautiful garden with a nice patio set, and the last time they came here the 3 kids along with us spent a whole evening outside until 4am, dinner followed by a sitting around the firepit. I always appreciated how the their kids enjoyed being outside when other kids who were here wanted to go inside and either play video games or watch TV. It stuck with me as a child builds such a lasting impression of experiences that we sometimes don't fully appreciate.
So today, I decided to enjoy a good long coffee with some work colleagues, probably for the last time. I came home and shortly after she called, I answered as I knew it was likely to deal with home things and it was. I remained civil with her, even asked her to bring over the kitties, I always enjoyed seeing them. As we worked out details of what she was taking today and before hanging up, she mistakenly says I love you. She said sorry right after and I just said ok bye. Either it was by sheer comfort and habit or practice from saying to OM, but it was still hard hearing those words. I know we are always supposed to stay detached and not let these things get to us, but alas we are human. It did hit a soft spot with me but at the same time brought me to the reality that so much is coming to an end. I truly and deeply think she's starting to feel it, feel the fact it's ending, feeling the fact that I'm actually leaving for good. In the recent interactions I have seen no irritation and no raising of voice nor resentment. I am not taking that at nothing more than face value. But I do sense she tried to cope quickly and aggressively with moving on to a bigger and better life and chasing what she thought was a solution for her void of internal happiness and maybe some small hints of reality are momentarily entering her psyche. That being said in my voice or in my outward presence around her I do not show emotion. I just want to get on with the logistical requirements of everything that needs to be done
To anyone reading this or going through it, you will go through different phases of emotions, what may seem or feel abnormal, isn't. Let yourself feel what you have to feel, it's what makes us who we are, we have a heart and a soul. Do not stray from doing what is best for you and what you want from your life. Feel the sorrow, feel the hurt, cry when you need to, heck even talk to yourself if you must, say a prayer to yourself and ask God for strength, try not to Harbour any hatred or resentment as hard as it may seem. Be the version of yourself that God would ask you to be, take the time to absorb your surroundings, listen to the birds chirping, the leaves ruffling, breathe in the scent of the cut grass, or the blooming flowers. Do not let yourself fall into a cycle of negative thoughts.
Hope everyone is well and enjoy the rest of the day
