Learning the ropes 2

[MA1970]

Hi MamaG
Sorry for the late reply. I'm not on here much these days. I'll try to answer your questions but have forgotten how to do the quotes (DnJ told me many times!).

Firstly, please don't call yourself names like "I'm weak". You sound like an incredibly strong woman & no matter how we respond to things, what we go through as the LBS is horrendous. We become a fraction of ourselves and then have to make a choice to do something differently. I may have got there a little quicker than you (or not) but it really wasn't easy. I work as a behavioural psychotherapist so arguably I had a bit more to draw on than others.

I think your question was about why I thought the difference in income/jobs was a trigger to MLC? Reflecting back, I still stand by this statement but think it was a whole load of other stuff too. The reason why, is that H never had high levels of self esteem. He could have gone further in his career but he was avoidant fearing failure. He went through a period of spoiling us all many years ago & incurred a lot of debt to do this. As such, he ended up on a debt consolidation scheme, which further confounded failure thoughts. The more I paid for, the more it made him feel bad, he would withdraw, I would become resentful & withdraw intimacy, he didn't feel loved further strengthening his negative beliefs about himself. It was a perfect storm on the night he began his affair. He'd argued with both me and the kids, went on a works night out and it was the night his national football team lost in the world cup. The AP knew we were married but came on to him and he went for it. He's since confirmed all of this, stating he always thought I could do better than him and never fully invested always expecting that I would leave. The rest is fairly predictable.

My decree absolute (final divorce) came through this month & I've cried a fair bit, grieving for what my life should have been, but on the whole I'm good. H is showing tiny (inconsistent) steps that he's moving forwards & hes been in therapy for about 6 months now. Him and the AP are over, he's said he wants me back but I don't want him anymore. I still care deeply about his welfare but he needs to do the work and move in a different direction to me. He's still not really seeing much of the kids & my eldest is super angry at him (I think the divorce released a lot of held in emotion). His focus is still on being cared for and not necessarily caring for others ie kids!

I'll take time to read your story MamaG but please don't despair and make sure you are showing yourself kindness. This stuff is really tough. I'm not through it yet but seem to be stable and holding my own thanks to the amazing advice and guidance I received on here. Please feel free to ask anything, I won't necessarily have the answer but am happy to share any aspect of my story if it can help a tiny bit for someone else.