Could I get some more detailed advice on the financial stuff? I currently manage our accounts and watch like a hawk. In order to alleviate his own guilt, H is trying to do this "nicely" so I don't imagine that he would drain our accounts but I guess anything goes in MLC. I do need to figure out how to protect my assets and speaking to L is a good idea.
Good. Keep an eye on the accounts.
Some ideas for you. If any resonate with you and/or if your situation warrants them (in no particular order):
- Pay off joint credit cards. Cancel joint credit. Get your own credit card(s).
- Have your own bank account. Invest monies into it. (However, in most locales all monies are marital assets to be split if things go that road. A L can confirm your locale’s guidelines and laws.)
- job’s suggestion of purchasing gift cards is a good strategy for socking away some funds too.
- Ensure you are an authorized owner on all household bills and therefore allowed to alter or cancel any/all services. Lots of stories of folks being held hostage on an internet provider or cell phone bill by their angry spouse who won’t make/allow/do any changes.
- Speaking of cell phones. Split up the bill. Let H completely pay and look after his own phone. Along with his own credit card(s). You look after your stuff. Keep your credit score in your hands.
- Cars. Are you joint owners? Are you registered as such? Make sure you are listed.
- Same for other big ticket items. Motorhome, camper, cabin, whatever.
- Look into investment accounts too. Ensure you have full access to anything joint or your’s.
- Ensure you have access/authorization to whatever health insurance you currently have.
- Limit, no, remove H’s access to stuff that is your’s. Period. No discussion with him.
- Transfer half of joint assets to your personal account/control. (Again, a L can assure the legality of such action.)
- Document, document, document. Keep track of everything you do.
When I went through my situation, it was amazing how many providers, businesses, institutions, and such we/I dealt with. Lots of accounts and business relationships to notify/organize. Even down to the kids’ school/university accounts for tuition and music lessons. Post office box. Shares in the local co-op. There is a lot of things acquired in decades of joint living.
On another, yet related note. My Dad is in a care home, which leaves my Mom living on her own in “their” house. She was not listed on many of the bills and providers and services. We found out many problems during one of Dad’s grim episodes. He was unresponsive and quite disoriented for some time. Found out that none of the businesses would even speak with Mom as she was not an authorized person on the account. (At the time, she was having phone and satellite TV problems and we could not get anywhere with them.)
When Dad came back to living and lucid, a few things got “fixed”. Mom, and I, were listed on all bills and household/life items. I was included, for what happens if Mom gets sick or incapacitated. Which brought up, power of attorney. Mom for Dad, and me for both of them.
As I said, lots of things to organize. When it’s all going well, we have no idea. When things go awry, it’s a mess. Getting/having things organized before, is so much better and less stressful.
Originally Posted by RegretfulLA
Yep - definitely a low energy wallower, but not really clingy. Avoidant. Rejecting. Stoic. I'm new to the MLC game so these classifications are all news to me!
MY XW was/is a high energy vanisher. She burns the candle on both ends. Heck, she’d burn it from the middle if she could. And she’s a vanisher. Poof. She left me, the kids, friends, family, pets, etc. Dropped the bomb during Thanksgiving supper and ran off with OM. All the way to his house 1/2 mile away. He’s my neighbour. And ex egg man. LOL! (Contrasted to Pattnee’s H who ran to the opposite of the globe.)
Originally Posted by RegretfulLA
The fact is, if I had a million dollars lying around, I would probably be more enthusiastic about H leaving. For me, the financial piece/security is pretty important and at this age, I'm not super optimistic about finding someone new. Yes, I'm only 53, but... ugh. Dating! It bothers me that the money is a factor, but that's just reality. Money is a big factor.
You are on two paths or journeys.
One is the emotional/healing path. Detaching; finding indifference; letting go of fear, ego, H (let go or be dragged); discovering your convictions; finding understanding, compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness. Becoming the best version of you.
The other path is the business side of the situation. The bills and kids stuff. With both sons being over 18, custody is not an issue (just major financial expenses like tuition and such). That leaves the finical stuff. Joint expenses and splitting of assets, anywhere from current status to fully financially separate. There is a lot of room along that scale.
While traversing either path, stick to that path. Do not mix business with your healing. Do not mix emotions into your business direction and decisions. Yes, the two paths do/can complement each other, and there will be some overlap. Do effort to keep the delimitation between the two paths as least nebulous as you can.
While on the business side, remain business-like. Facts, logic, reason. Look to those when making plans or decisions. You don’t have a million dollar hidden somewhere (I didn’t either. Nuts!), yet you have something. Do you own your house? No mortgage? Or do you rent? Know your assets. Etc. Speaking with a L will show you your best case and worse case scenarios, and your likely case, if H pushes things all the way to divorce. Information is power! Then, now, you can make forward business-like plans.
Yes, financial protection and security is very important. Especially at our ages, or older. I’m 56. My work life, and opportunities to earn are mostly behind me. Security and protection are much needed/important than when I was in my twenties.
As I mentioned, lots of room along the financial scale. Lots of room to negotiate. The big thing from my experience, you have a much better chance at agreement or the MLCer following through if they feel/think the idea is their’s. Let H lead the way. Takes some finesse sometimes, and in no small part biting one’s tongue. (An example of overlap there. Good for business and your healing. )
I’m a big proponent of leaving the heavy lifting to the spouse who is wanting out. However, ensure you have financial protection and security. If you need it, if it’s lacking - get it!
Originally Posted by RegretfulLA
Has anyone made it through an MLC without some serious collateral damage?
MLC is horrible! Absolutely horrible!
There is plenty of damage. And lots of collateral damage. The term Bomb Drop is most apt. However, the damages do not cease after BD. Depending on the MLCer, their running behaviours, their past unrealized unreconciled traumas, pains, and torments there will be more waves of destruction.
So, no. There is always serious damage, both directed and collateral. The big question and focus of the LBS - has anyone healed from such damages?
Unequivocally, yes! People can and do heal.
First and foremost is the LBS. That emotional/healing path. You and the kids and friends and family. All can heal. All can come through this, better than before. Most LBS would not, even if they could, give up their hard-eared gains to not have their situation happen. The journey we were forced upon is that profound. It’s a golden opportunity. Do the inner work. Grow and heal.
Does the MLCer heal? Maybe. Some do. Some run for the rest of their days. Their path, the damages they inflict upon us, is more about them than us. In fact, their destruction of self, that drive and need to relive their youth, to relive all they feel they missed out on, damages them far more than the collateral pain to us from the shrapnel flying around.
Originally Posted by RegretfulLA
And also - the stages of an MLC - are those for the MLC'er or the LBS?
Remember, it’s a guideline. Everyone is different and individual, therefore their crisis is different and individual. Yet, there are similarities, an almost script they more often than not do follow.
Running/replay is by far the longest of the stages. Their running behaviours and activities are bewildering and quite irrational. Realize the MLCer is driven emotionally. They are simultaneously trying to numb their pain and darkness while trying to feel something. They are consumed by their depression and unrelenting unreleased past and demons.
They become the opposite of who they were. Desperately trying to find happiness and end their pain. And desperate people do desperate things.
The LBS usually gets blamed for the MLCer’s pain. The MLCer doesn’t realize, cannot accept or look towards themselves or their past (yet) as cause. Their hurt/broken mind simply cannot for they would shatter. As such, they blame their spouse, or kids, or dogs - whatever, whomever is close by. The LBS getting the lion’s share of that.
MLCers display a lack of empathy; their empathy chip is broken. A result of their own emotions being cranked to eleven. They have no bandwidth for anyone else’s.
Plenty of less than stellar decisions, behaviours, and life choices occur when one is so consumed. So desperate. So depressed. Emotional decisions lead to regret. So, on top of everything else, the MLCer behaviours and such, deepen their turmoil.
The LBS has stages as well. Basically, following the steps of processing their grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Our situations are multifaceted, and we exist in and experience many stages at the same time. As we heal, as we release our anger and accept, more things are revealed to us. New items starting their own grief process, while others are complete or nearing acceptance.
When starting, detachment is the single best thing one can do. Becoming no longer uncontrollably dragged around by our spouse’s words and/or behaviour. It’s the first major milestone along our journey. A journey made up of many small steps. For me, some were just getting out of bed, or speaking with a lawyer. More and more steps. Slowly they accumulate. And before you realize you are somewhere else.
To that end, it’s good to figure out one’s headings. Those deeply held values, convictions, and beliefs. Strengthen those which serve, craft those which you aspire to, and discard those which no longer serve. Feelings are fleeting, and thoughts flit just as easy, yet beliefs are slow to change. It’s that quality that makes one’s values excellent headings. The shortest way through this quagmire is a straight line. The less one slogs around in circles the better it is.
Anyhow, just some thoughts for you during this raining day here. I had plans to paint some windows. Ha, the rain put a stop to those.
Hope you have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
My work life, and opportunities to earn are mostly behind me. Security and protection are much needed/important than when I was in my twenties.
