MLC Hubby wants to move out

[RegretfulLA]

Thank you my friends. Currently H is out on a man date with his friend who is getting D. Bad. I don't like that. I like the friend and I think his D situation is different as in, W is driving it. Also, his cousin is having a MLC - met man at gym and decided he's gay. Third friend, also D - and he's been speaking to these three A LOT.

Could I get some more detailed advice on the financial stuff? I currently manage our accounts and watch like a hawk. In order to alleviate his own guilt, H is trying to do this "nicely" so I don't imagine that he would drain our accounts but I guess anything goes in MLC. I do need to figure out how to protect my assets and speaking to L is a good idea.

Believe nothing he says and only half of what he does.

I forgot about that one. I wish I could not believe him when he says that he's going to move out. He's been so nice and reasonable and not bitchy lately, I can hardly believe that he will leave. But maybe he's being nice because now he feels like a weight has been lifted. It's pleasant. We are getting along. H has noticed my positive change in attitude but it hasn't changed his mind. H has been threatening S/D for years and this is the first time he ever seems actually serious about it; e.g., I can see it's not coming from a place of anger/reactivity. He is calm and it's scary. He seems to want to move on as "he can't imagine spending the next 30 years of his life this way".

H says he sees us as "friends" but I don't see that... he doesn't act like a friend most of the time. Today was rough... S18 and S20 are both struggling in their own way and I told H I was at the end of my rope. He said, "The men in your life!" Then he washed the dishes and spoke to S20 and tried to be reassuring. S20 is a total handful and having him home from college adds a lot of stress to the household.

It’s interesting how they drop the bomb on special dates too. H revealing his “grand” be-a-bachelor plan during your 23rd anniversary celebration.

@DnJ - he didn't exactly break this news on our anniversary. I think he just has finally verbalized it and has decided it's what he "must" do. It was actually better than our 18th or 19th anniversary when I ate dinner by myself and then went to the movies by myself.

What type of MLCer do you see H as? High or low energy? Boomerang? Clingy? Vanisher? To me, H sounds like a low energy clingy wallower.

Yep - definitely a low energy wallower, but not really clingy. Avoidant. Rejecting. Stoic. I'm new to the MLC game so these classifications are all news to me!

Remain kind and cordial, with rock solid boundaries against disrespectful behaviour, and let H be

I have always been pretty good at GAL but it is hard to do when hurting. DB is hard, hard, hard. I already did lock him out of the bedroom over the weekend when he said he'd be home at 9:30 and wasn't. At 11 pm I didn't call, didn't text; just locked the door and texted him "sleep on the couch." Next morning he says, "Why did you lock me out of the bedroom?" And I said, because you didn't come home when you said you would, and I was angry. I need my space too."

A much older (and maybe wiser) person once said to me during first DB "Why would you want to be with someone so weak?" This sticks with me and I think about it all the time. The fact is, if I had a million dollars lying around, I would probably be more enthusiastic about H leaving. For me, the financial piece/security is pretty important and at this age, I'm not super optimistic about finding someone new. Yes, I'm only 53, but... ugh. Dating! It bothers me that the money is a factor, but that's just reality. Money is a big factor.

Has anyone made it through an MLC without some serious collateral damage?

And also - the stages of an MLC - are those for the MLC'er or the LBS?

Ok, that's enough for now. I will probably be on here rambling a lot just so I can get my feelings out. I'm pretty shell shocked, and combined with S18 leaving for college and S20 being intolerable, I am hanging by a thread. (At least my job is good - during last DB I was unemployed).