I am sorry you find yourself here for a second go around.
I agree with job, it sounds like H’s unresolved issues are resurfacing. The death of his grandma; his mother’s failing health; loss of his employment; his loss of wealth and status; the pending and very healthy and normal empty nest with both boys out in their own - all very triggering events for (re)kindling his crisis.
It’s interesting how they drop the bomb on special dates too. H revealing his “grand” be-a-bachelor plan during your 23rd anniversary celebration. Of course, he has no idea how to fund his plan. He will be guided and act upon how he feels at whatever given moment.
Do financially protect yourself. Speak with a L and see/know your rights and options. Just gathering information, you need not act on anything. Yes, H could do something like drain his 401k, or worse. Ensure joint martial assets cannot be remortgaged or liquidated or some such without your consent! If you need financial protection and/or security - get it. Leave all the other heavy lifting to H.
Time and space. H is asking for it, and is driven to it. Even the guest house in the backyard is too close for him. His confessed wanting to see other women and whatever other behaviours/running-away-from-his-demons-and-not facing-his-problems ideas he has; he is mixed up. Believe nothing he says and only half of what he does.
If/when H demands more space, you could cease laundry services, meal preparation, etc. Letting him feel the loss. You kind of got to let H steer his path/journey and let him lay in whatever bed he feels he needs to make. Difficult to predict what path H will go. Stay/leave, wallow/run.
What type of MLCer do you see H as? High or low energy? Boomerang? Clingy? Vanisher? To me, H sounds like a low energy clingy wallower. Well, so far anyhow. Once they settle into their crisis, they usually do not alter their type. To be clear, their path is likely the same, it’s just a matter of speed and level of destruction along the way. And all are slow! In speed, I mean their ping ponging about and jumping to their next behaviour in the futile attempt to keep their demons at bay.
You likely know you cannot steer this crisis for him. Efforts from you will be pushed backed on by H. Such efforts would end up being twisted and used for his anger/justifications/narrative towards you. Remain kind and cordial, with rock solid boundaries against disrespectful behaviour, and let H be. You know, focus on you.
We are here for you. Take care of yourself.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
