Throughout my readings, I came across this paragraph and would love for folks to weigh in on the part about MLCer having energy and goals. As you know, I’m still trying to figure out if H is going through MLC or something else. Since BD, depression has been very much present in H. It was severe depression between September and December 2023. It has ebbed and flowed since then. Then again, H doesn’t live at home so it’s hard to know if it has subsided. I remember in February mentioning that he is less depressed and he corrected me to say that he is still very depressed. H admits and has consistently admitted that he is very depressed and that depression is impacting him. I’ve read that most MLCers deny being depressed. What do you make of this with my situation?
Since you are asking - I'm gonna be honest with you. It really doesn't matter what it is. Whether it's depression, MLC, or just being a good ole fashion a$$, the truth is that no "answer" makes it any better. Outside of providing a guideline for what to expect in order to protect yourself, or understanding the symptoms so you can detach and depersonalize the situation; it's a cheeseless tunnel to go down. It won't bring you peace, nor will it solve the situation.
Although you are new to the board - this is not a new situation for you. Yet it looks like you are still giving him so much power. From the bleacher seats - it looks like you struggle to detach and let go.
This is normal. When we let go - there is a real chance that our loved ones... actually go. But by holding on... you are holding onto a version of the relationship that is not what you signed up for, nor is it loving or healthy. But in our minds... we convince ourselves that it is better than nothing. We protect ourselves from the pain that comes when we let go.
Only you can decide when to stop this. This does not mean stopping fighting for the marriage. Actually one of the best chances you can give yourself for your marriage to get better is to STOP the treatment that is hurting you. To take the stance and to believe you are worthy of respect, love, and a partnership that is equal.
I know it feels like a lose | lose situation. If you are block him (your kids are grown so no need to really chat that much) - you will feel the pain of being alone. The pain of losing him. But the truth is that you already have lost him. The texts are a bare minimum. A shadow of a H once was. In actuality you are still alone. The texts are not about you but about him convincing himself he's doing something. No wonder you keep getting tired and p!ssed.
I hope you will consider looking at this. It is true that we as the LBS need to see how we contributed to the demise of our marriage. From my 13 years of watching this board - those who work to be as understanding as you are trying to be... the contribution seems is that one sacrficed him/herself too much. They sacrificed the core of themselves. Needs, wants, values... and in turn betrayed who they really were designed to be.
When you self-betray yourself for so long... eventually you will breakdown... and then sometimes - you will then fight back against yourself. In the form of anger, resentment, tears... it's a part of you that is crying out to be heard. What is it trying to say?
I am truly not telling you to stop fighting. I'm re-iterating one of strongest db philosophies.
Save yourself first... And let your H figure out if he wants to save himself.
((( G )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
