Thank you Mach1 and Grok for suggesting readings while I sit and recover. This alone time is really difficult and some of the readings take my thoughts down rabbit holes. I've gone from 'how do I tell H to start the D process?" to "Am I letting him get away with cheating, lies, manipulation, etc." to "How to I make a different effort by using Laura Doyle's 6 intimacy tactics?" It's been a whirlwind and I can't wait to be able to get up and GAL....although I wonder if I'm just pretending and pushing all my feelings aside. Certainly, feelings have been running fast and furious over here while I am bedridden.
Still don't know that there is a PA. And, yes, this thought haunts me daily especially as I lie here through recovery which confirms that an affair may be what separates me from holding on.
As I read through a thread that illustrated the guys perspective of how the W is condoning the cheating and feeling bad for all their hurt, while mourning the loss of the marriage and H - the message was that W shouldn't do this. This made me question the recommended approach to DB. I realize that I need to focus on me but does that mean ignore H? The thread from a guys point of view clearly stated that W should be looking at how W contributed to the marriage's breakdown instead of condoning. I did some reflecting on my contributions and understand that only I can change those for me (and maybe for H if H (we) choose). Bc H reaches out so much, where's the harm in talking about how I've contributed and that I'm working on those issues? If that's too much all at once, what's the harm in engaging in convo when H reaches out? Sometimes I wonder if H wants to hold a lengthy convo but doesn't know how to get started.
I believe the thread is called Happy again's old posts - posted by goodattitudegirl (2010)
That said, I believe that chasing H is not the right approach. I just don't feel right condoning H's behavior. After all, H left the marital home and is living life without many responsibilities, while running up expenses. Because H is a clingy boomerang, what can i do differently with the outreaches? Is H looking for me to engage? Am I missing out on opportunities to be friends and heal our M?
H checks in daily on my recovery but isn't involved in the caregiving nor offering. Clearly something is off - H would never be so cold about major surgery. Still get daily texts on my healing. Yesterday, H's text was concerned in how I was feeling and if I was having bowel movements. At the end, H recommended that I cut back on the pain meds (not having any idea how many I'm taking or not taking). I responded with "Good idea". If you know me, that response was dismissive. Not sure that H picked up on it. Who is this man?
I guess I'm not convinced that time and space are the answer. Will H ever choke on there abundance if H continues to reach out? H hasn't asked for space in some time - of course H doesn't have to bc it's been granted. How do I know that space is still what H wants/needs?
Maybe I'm getting impatient. Maybe I'm not interested in waiting around as time passes us by. Maybe I realize that a PA would crush me and it would require additional reflection and consideration that I'm not willing to consider (right now). Clearly, I need to hurry up and recover so I can get out of my head!
