What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

For a second, I thought H was realizing that I'm getting around just fine without him and that upset him. But then I wondered if me getting stuff done without him relieved pressure. Not sure which it is

Likely both.

but I can tell you that I haven't seen H move so quickly nor H's curiosity peak so vividly like yesterday.

Good. Let him be curious. Let him feel it. You are managing, nay thriving just fine without him.

This brings me to what I'd call a boundary....not sure what you'll make of it. H comes and goes around here very comfortably. Opens garage door with his opener, parks in garage and comes right in like H is still at home. To date, I've only asked that H let me know in advance so I'm not spooked. Clearly, I've let him feel at home. Do I need to stop this and change the locks? That would reduce his visits and let him know this isn't H's home anymore to shop in....Thoughts? Am I reacting out of anger from yesterday? I know that I don't like him coming by to take things. It leaves me a reminder that H is still moving out and not looking to move in. (It's not about what H is taking. It's about the reminder of H's wish to not be here anymore.) H finds reasons to come by and may be enjoying my body language of disappointed when H snags things - can't wait to control it! Not to mention that H coming by to get something is beginning to feel like manipulation.

You likely legally cannot change the locks; joint ownership and all.

I like how you are wisely considering this event and your actions going forward, instead of reacting. And yes, there is likely some residual anger from yesterday’s interaction with H. The ol’ 24-48 hour guideline comes in handy for letting out emotions subside. Things look and feel different after a couple of days.

You can only control you, not H and his coming and going.

A doorbell camera is a good idea. Just knowing he is being recorded might even be enough to lessen his shopping trips.

I’d going around the house and take a video or pictures of your inventory. The you’ll have a time stamped snapshot of what belongings are/were there. It also will help with potential he said/she said problems later.

Coupled with that, let H know you cataloged the household assets. Your’s, his, and martial. Tell him, he is free to take his stuff. You might even consider getting it all piled up like you mentioned. Maybe even promote getting his stuff out of your living space. As in, time to move your stuff into your house H.

I’d follow that up with, he is not free to take martial assets. These are joint ownership and need to be accounted for. If he would like an item, he can propose acquiring it. If you are agreeable, said item will be listed, in writing, as being transferred to H’s house. It’s your house, not a shopping center!

It’s the business side of things.

Keep track of stuff. Document. Document. Document. Maybe, hopefully, you won’t need it. However, better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it.

As much as I want to give him enough time and space for him to choke on, I don't see H allowing it. His clingy boomerang style is unnerving. Yet, I've learned that clingy boomerang is likely to come home so should I be celebrating or do I need to cut him off?

It’s pretty wild. The Jekyll/Hide like shifts in personalities, the flying away and circling back, running away and yet not too far, the teenager attitude and behaviours, the rebelliousness, the indignation when called out, the lack of responsibility, the gnat-like memory, and so on.

Time and space is you allowing/giving H plenty of both to feel his feelings. That’s remaining nonjudgemental, kind and cordial. Focusing on you, and letting him go. Giving H all the rope he wants.

It’s also, enforcing and maintaining rock solid boundaries. Treating the business stuff businesslike. Which feeds into H’s rebellious side. He needs to grow up, and part of that is smashing against boundaries, rules, society, etc.

It’s like speeding tickets, Some folks blame the cops their entire life, never learning, never growing up. Of course, it’s they who pressed their foot down on the accelerator pedal. No one’s fault but their own. Shrug.

Hold H accountable, while remaining compassionate and forgiving.

There is no crystal ball in all this. Best you can do is live your values. Regardless of how this all ends up, you can hold your head high, for you will have done the best you could.

D