2nd Time Around (Thread #2)

[grok]

It is almost like she needed the MC to help show her a way back from filing for D.

Since the WW/WAS cannot trust US at this point, they need someone outside they will take advise from. Someone that can show them there are other possibilities than the only solution they can conceive. In your case, it seems the MC is filling that role.

I'm balancing ... and seemingly everything in our home deciding it was time for repairs/maintenance at once!

I hear you. Why does trouble all come at once? Something about being tested...? Balancing gets difficult. This past year for me to fix - Upstairs shower leaking to lower ceiling. All three toilet seals start leaking. Water heater fails. Pipes in walls start rattling as if they broke loose. Washing machine fails. HVAC drain clogs three times in the middle of the night. Multiple fire alarms fail...in the night of course. Multiple light switches fail. Sprinklers break, needing to be dug up and replaced. Kitchen faucet fails. Dishwasher fails needs parts replaced. W's vehicle tires need full replacement a year early because of unrepairable flats, AC fails twice under warranty. My vehicle wheel speed sensor fails, water pump fails, starts mild pull to one side with a "clunk", needs new tires. I'm sure there was more...

W's attorney is pressuring her to make up her mind. W postponed mediation once and seems to be a bit panicky about the L's pressure.

L's incentives are misaligned with hers...otherwise known as the "principal-agent problem." Differing interests and information asymmetry. How to have W feel she is able to start/stop/pause that D process any time she d@mm well pleases? L is her employee. There is no time limit to this stuff.

The Ws and their feeling like they have to satisfy a L or Mediator is/was odd to me. I respect them for their expertise and will strongly consider their advise. I don't feel I HAVE to do what they say or suggest. I am in charge of me. My W however, felt like she HAD to follow through with every piece of advise or suggestion the Mediator said. I asked her why once. "G, she might be upset with me if I don't. And we HAVE to get along with her." This felt foreign to me. The Mediator is a hired expert there to advise. The Mediator might be upset, and we might not get along. The Mediator is a respected professional and is accomplished at doing the task either way.

...W should come first...
...
Over Mother's Day, I opted to spend it with W, D14, and my in-laws. My mother was unhappy
...
She's also worried about continued conflict with my mother. I told her that I see why she feels that way. I gently suggested that it was a good thing she married me and not my mom...trying to balance some humor without invalidating how W feels.

An age-old problem. I think the W has to FEEL, not just know both sides of -
"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and cleave to his wife"
Of course, you can't MAKE someone feel...so...the dilemma. This last year my W expressed feelings that I always agreed/sided with my parents when some decision or other had to be made. A lot of that was only in her head. Informed by, yes, my approach to much of life was made by growing up under my parents of course. I did not ask or consult with my parents though. If fact, this year my parents expressed that they always felt I had joined W's family after marriage since I stopped talking to them about us.

I may have to swing over to the local brewery tonight to try out their new releases.

This has proven to be a great GAL for me. No/Low pressure enjoyable time. Sometimes talk with people. Sometimes kids join me for a bit as mine is family friendly. Games of Connect Four or Sorry with S12 and D17!

Be well, everyone. Keep plugging away ... working on YOURSELF most of all.

The work continues. In between fixing things!

g