Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

On increased emotional sensitivity and empathy...

Wow, it is often mentioned here how emotional sensitivity and empathy increase after BD. I can testify to the truth of this. It broke my walls and shields. Exposed all the raw receptors. It hurts. For example

in the evening last week, D19 had just come home from work and D17 come over to mess around with her. You know... Sisters... Teasing began and escalated to pillows. And harder blows.

D17 SHRIEKS in PAIN and TERROR suddenly.
D19, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry ...." her face red and fear and shame and concern all over. Tears begin. She curls up hugging a pillow. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry ...."
D17, "STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Wailing. Crying. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" "GET AWAY!" She curls up into herself on the other couch with hands over her ear. The one with the new piercing.
D19, "I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to, DAD, I didn't mean to..."

G, "D19, I know. It will be OK. D17, a hug first?"
D17, "NO! STAY AWAY FROM ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!" she runs upstairs to a bathroom and closes the door. crying. fear on her face.
D19, "DAD! I wouldn't hurt her! I wouldn't! I didn't mean to! I'm sorry....I'm...sorry" she is now curled up into herself also. tears everywhere.
G, "I know you wouldn't. It will be OK. I'll go check on your sister."

I know what happened. It will be OK. but right now...with all this emoting and pain from each daughter in their immediate desperation...I could FEEL what EACH daughter was feeling. Tears in MY eyes. Lump in MY throat. Weight on MY chest. Reaction chemicals flooding MY system. Was this emotional overload what W was looking for relief from? Why they run?

G, "D17, I'm here. Will you let me see? Let me check your piercing and the post. "
She opens the door, "Dad, ....I..."
G, "I know D17. You felt hurt and scared. It hurt a lot to have the new piercing hit. And it was SCARY. And you are worried about injuring the piercing. And because of the warnings about not to touch or move a new piercing because of healing and infection. I know. You will be OK."
D17, "...yes..."

I looked her over and she is fine. Just shaken up from the pain and fear. I give her hugs. I have to visualize a stop sign to halt my own continuing reactions. thinking remain their solid rock G.
G, "D17, you know she didn't mean to hurt you. She is sorry and feels REALLY bad. Accept her apologies, OK."
D17 hesitates, then nods. She knows but is not quite ready for it.

I go back downstairs to D19 and give her a hug.
G, "D19, she knows you didn't mean it. It was still painful and scary. Just apologize when she comes down and then leave it alone. OK?"
D19 sobs, "OK Dad. I would never hurt her on purpose. I wouldn't!" she is still hiding her face. tears still falling.

D17 comes downstairs and slowly walks past D19 and on into the kitchen where I was.
D17 whispers, "dad...she didn't say anything. ?"
G, "I know D17. It feels hard and scary to say sorry when you are upset and mad at her. Give her grace and a chance to say it. Then you leave it be"

After a few minutes puttering around with me in the kitchen she goes into the other room. I hear a low-level conversation. When I next see them, all appears resolved though the reverberations still feel like they are bouncing around the room. I hope I have provided the stable rock without solving their problem. Perhaps a little guidance as Dad.

In all my life I have NEVER been affected by others' emotions like this. I don't have the tools or experience to deal with it. Just typing this out days later still brings tears to my eyes and a lump into my throat all over again.

I'm learning. Learning on the fly. Story of my life.

g