What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

And so it happened....since I anticipated the below questions, H has since asked the first three and in that order. The direction is to not have him take me and so I have secured another ride. Yet, I've 'led him to believe' that he is taking me bc I've welcomed H to take me to all other doc appts. It's assumed. How do I answer question #3 if H is not to take me? and then #4 which is inevitable.

How do you propose I answer:
1. How did the medical exam go?
2. Did you get results yet from the exam? (assuming I don't provide the detail he expects at any pt)
3. What time would you like me to pick you up tomorrow for surgery? (I do have someone who can take me).
4. What do you mean you don't need me to take you? I took the day off?
5. How are you feeling? Do you need anything? (post surgery)
6. Is something wrong? You've changed (I know he's noticed that I'm not so eager to engage).

I’m glad you secured a different ride.

Answer H honestly.

H: What time would you like me to pick you up tomorrow for surgery?

MG: Thank you for the offer. I already have someone driving and helping me.

H: What do you mean you don't need me to take you? I took the day off?

MG: I’m sorry you booked time off for this. Do enjoy your free day.


Some crystal ball gazing (not a recommended practice lol):

H: How are you feeling?

MG: I feel fine.

H: Do you need anything?

MG: Nope. I’m all good.

H: Is something wrong? You've changed.

MG: No, nothing is wrong.

Hmmm.

You know, you’re right. I have changed. Haven’t I? And surprisingly, I like it. Thanks for noticing. Have a great day.

Is guilt the reason/driver for wanting to take me to all doc appts? I would be more comfortable making a decision on 'letting' H take me if I knew the reason was a touch-n-go attempt. If H doesn't know how to approach me and is beginning to see the light, I would be willing to spend time with H for the day (surgery day). I'd see it as an oppty to demonstrate (again) the 180 I've done. But if I'm alleviating his guilt and H likes to see me vulnerable....crying....scared, etc., I'm not interested.
I'd like H to take me but am strong enough to decline if H's interest is 'saving' him from rock bottom.

I'm so conflicted.

Be strong.

H is a churning caldron of emotions. Regret, guilt, excitement, sorrow, sadness, happiness, fear, anger, depression, and such, all bubbling away. H doesn’t know why he wants to take you to the appointment. He just feels it.

And when/if he doesn’t feel it?

Him having to would be pressure. Responsibility. Another nail in the marriage’s coffin to his churning and stirred up feelings. Be pressure free. Give him no reasons, no justifications for his path. H will make up enough of his own, no need to paint more for him.

You want him to feel the loss; to feel the consequences of his decisions; all without your direct pressure or any manipulating. Thankfully, it’s pretty easy. Just let him have the time and space he is demanding. He is not acting like a husband, so do not count on him like a husband. You look after your appointments and money and home and bills and on and on. Let him runaround with the unicorns and fairies. Hopefully, he tires of running sooner rather than later.

If/when H is ready to reconcile, you will know. He will come back strong. No pussyfooting around. He’ll be willing to do whatever it takes to fend fences and get a second chance. Examples: Immediately handing over his unlocked phone whenever asked; blood tests for STDs before getting back together; both you and he in the room when the doctor reads the results of the blood work; a contiguous six months or a year of being affair-partner free (can date during that time) before moving back in and living together again; if any contact, and I mean any contact with AP, the clock resets back to zero and it’s another year; and so on. All that willing done in efforts towards rebuilding of trust, by demonstrating trustworthy behaviour.

Of course, before all that, before any possible reconciling, H needs to hit rock bottom. He will have many whispers of doubts regarding his life’s choices along his path. Mere whispers. Let him hear and feel his choices.

Let him to his path and journey.

D