What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

DnJ - Enjoy your weekend with friends. Hope the weather works in your favor.

Thank you!

The weekend was most enjoyable. It’s a cabin off grid. No power, no running water. My BF, his son, future SIL, and I installed a metal roof. The first day was only BF and I installing purlins overtop the existing shingles. OMG, it was so hot!

However, the weather was wildly sporadic. Hot, cool, calm, windy, clear, rain, thundershower, all circling around and coming at us from all different directions. It was: If you don’t like the weather just wait 20 minutes, it’ll change.

Anyhow, we had to take a few delays here and there for safety reasons - a wet rain drop covered metal roof is incredibly slippery - and did get everything accomplished over the long weekend.

So it had been a week since a random text from H was sent to the kids (group text generally). H sent a "GM! I Love you" text. Nothing more. While they still don't (and neither do I) understand why H does this, kids are accepting of it and entertain with a short response. Any idea why H does this? And, how do I explain this behavior to D19 and S21? In between random texts, there is little or no interactions between them.

H does that, because his feelings drive him to do it. Because he feels like it. His behaviours doesn’t have to, and likely won’t “make sense”. To him, it “makes sense”, or he will feel like it is right at that moment. Then he’ll flit off to the next thing.

Little text like that, are touch and goes. H popping into the present moment and seeing where and what you guys are doing. He’ll get his fix, and like a boomerang fly away again.

H’s sense of time, the present moment of time and the passage of time is all screwed up. As the situation progresses forward, as more and more time and water goes under the bridge, H’s time travel/dilation will become more and more pronounced/noticeable.

Do MLCers want me to see or take interest in their new world?

In my experience, MLCers become very secretive. Like teenagers, they hide what they are doing/up to.

You’ve been through the teen years with your D21 and S23. You likely see a similarity between how they behaved and how H is behaving. Although, H’s behaviour is more rebellious and worse.

By the way, that’s how you explain what’s going on with Dad to your kids. When they query, explain crisis and its general path. Kids connect the dots pretty quickly. And they are in a different hierarchy on the list of people the MLCer throws away, or might reconnections with. Therefore, they do have different interactions and see more than the left behind spouse. Basically, they have more dots than you.

I miss him but I don't look for his texts like I used to.

Good!

I guess I'm making progress…

Absolutely you are.

Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself.

thinking I may get a text about bringing over D's request before going to work, I cringed that the text I rec'd was from him. It wasn't but the feeling of 'please don't let it be H who is texting' is a different thought from a month ago where I prayed it was his text that came through.

I can't help but wonder if I'm moving away from him and losing interest. Am I getting bored and giving up? I really hope not as this brings me to tears....and I don't know why.

Remember: Focus on you and the kids.

You will detach. Regain/establish control. No longer be uncontrollably dragged around emotionally.

You will find indifference. Be numb towards H’s words and behaviours. You will feel like you just don’t care. It’s a pretty nice feeling.

Some advice, and I am harping on it. Focus on you and the kids. During indifference, that non-caring time, other feelings will and do loom larger than they truly are against the void of once was. It’s amazing our feelings of love and cherishing mute and somewhat vanish. Warning: Like all feelings, this is temporary. Indifference does unwind. Your feelings do come back.

Like I say, decisions based upon emotions lead to regret. This is true here as well. Make no major life decisions or direction changes based upon your new, and what feels like forever, non-caring muted numbness towards H - it will change and then so does your reasons for decisions.

Indifference does bring about a wonderful peace. You will be free from H’s drama and BS. Make hay! Do your inner work during this time while free from the cacophony of H’s words and behaviours. Look to yourself. Find, discover what makes you tick. Your beliefs, prejudice, convictions, and such.

Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. And alter/discard that you do not want or no longer serves. All this, while feelings toward H are not in the way.

Also, focusing on you is not giving up. In fact, it is the opposite. Long term, if you don’t shift your focus off H, his behaviour will erode your love. MLC, affairs, these major martial situations are like acid to our love. Don’t bathe in it.

Or if you like, stop touching the hot stove. It burns! And if you keep getting burned, even by your actions, you will leave. To outlast a crisis, you have to focus elsewhere. And the best place for you to focus is - you. Next best - kids. So, focus on you and your kids.

Just sharing what a crazy life a LBS leads for way too long. I tell myself that H asked for space and so I'm honoring his request.

I hear you. Yes, a crisis is pretty crazy making.

Time and space. Give H what he is asking for. Enough of each to choke on it.

I often consider what the 'right thing to do for the MLCer' is in most circumstances while trying to not let him dictate my actions and GALing. I don't want to work around him but considering the 'right thing to do' (DBing) is also in some way letting him lead my actions and decisions, isn't it? It's so confusing. Can you help me distinguish as these scenarios pop up from time to time?

The right thing to do, is to put your oxygen mask on first. You cannot fix him, for didn’t break him.

DB is first and foremost for you. And gives you your best chance at saving your marriage. It may not, thought it definitely will save you.

Divorce Busting techniques enables and allows for rational, thought out, actions and responses to your situation. BTW, sometimes those responses are best as silence. Your DB tenets will come from your intellect rather than an emotional response. And let face it, most times an emotional response makes a bad or mixed up situation worse.

So we, focus on self, GAL, employ the 24-48 hour rule, give time and space, and such. Firstly for ourselves and our mental and emotional health. Secondly, for our best way forward. Which one can really discover during indifference, if they haven’t poisoned their own well too much before then. Focusing on self, focusing on what, and more importantly who you can control, keeps the acid away.

In time, the right thing to do for the MLCer, DBing, the right thing to do for you, letting him lead, making your own decisions, etc. - all converge. They become one and the same.

For example, I'm torn with having him take me to surgery next week. If I'm honest with myself, I will go into surgery and come out with more ease and comfort if I include him. All things DBing say to not include him and find another ride (including DnJ whom I listen to ). When should I consider my wants/needs above his current crisis/DBing recommendations? How much more productive/effective would it be to exclude him? I imagine H would feel left out and potentially showing him more of my back if I exclude him....but, if nothing I do will influence his journey, how can I make sense of this? If I knew that leaving him out would help him along his journey (missing me and what I'm doing or creating fear that I'm moving on), I would find it in me to accept another ride. But it's not always clear that me not doing what I want versus DBing will even impact his journey at all. I guess it's a two part question to help me decide on including/not including H in surgery. Note: My circle is wide - very thankful and blessed - and have several offering to take me for the surgery 2 hours out. But, somehow, I really think I would want him to take me.

All valid questions and pondering.

If I knew that leaving him out would help him along his journey (missing me and what I'm doing or creating fear that I'm moving on), I would find it in me to accept another ride.

It will help him along. It absolutely will. Which direction that is, I do not know. And that is what is holding you back, holding you prisoner - fear. Fear of letting go. Fear of loss.

Fear

I get it, you’d be more at ease and comfort if you include him. Who? Which H? You mean the old H. Not this alien running around in H’s skin.

And I get it, these crisis folks poke out just enough, show us just enough of their old selves, sound like their old selves, to keep us attached and confused. Let go.

H is living in his own house. Is secretive. Ask yourself, seriously, and without emotion, is he the old H? Of course not. His behaviour demonstrates that. Well, the majority of his behaviour.

H, old H, is currently buried inside himself. Once in a while he can emerge, though he is not the one in control or making his present life choices.

It takes time to see the situation clearly and as it is. It then takes more time, for one’s feelings to catch up. And it takes longer for one’s convictions, values, and beliefs to find this very odd path. Takes a good dose of strength to venture into this, for the moment quite unknown landscape, with only faith.

H’s best path forward. Your best path forward. Are one and the same.

The two paths will diverge. Yet, they might converge later.

(((Hugs)))

To all you readers who don't comment, I'm hopeful that you see/feel that you're not alone. I'm out here too trying to figure out this new normal everyday living. There is nothing normal about this and hard to navigate with family and friends who aren't going through it. It's such a lonely space and time in our lives.

Amen.

It’s a difficult time. And you will survive it. Heck, you will thrive it!

Time is truly a gift. Cherish it. Use it wisely.

D