Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

Test in continuing increments

A true test of character is when you are up against it....

And you are up against it now....


And as you might know...

There can be no testimony without a test…

I’ve contemplated this from month one. Imbued in me by my parents…every trial in life is your testament to others. You do not know who is watching or what effect it will have on their lives. People are not truly convinced by your talking or preaching. They watch to see if you LIVE it. Sounds like DB.

A true test.

Come at me sideways

from an unexpected direction.

And in areas I am not skilled

or comfortable.

An “Out of Context Problem”

I didn’t start from zero either. I started in the negative because of my own sad state, depressed and withdrawn, at the beginning. I had to struggle simply to come to the surface before actually beginning.

Testimony. What do I want others see in my actions/reactions? What example to I want to leave for my D19, D17, and S12? How do I show love, empathy, AND disapproval of W’s choices? What will my failures, breakage, and recovery show? Perhaps a Sometimes Phoenix. Fill in the blanks.

Sometimes Phoenix - Kings Kaleidoscope

When I am an old king
Will I be alone in my castle cold?
...
Just a sometimes phoenix
Burning through castles of clouds
Just a sometimes phoenix
Above or below, I am alone here
...
Cold from the crash
Grounded but free
Embers of birth
Rising in me
Cold from the crash
Humbled and free


Test <current year> "#"var=$((var+1))
(Not actually a programer, but have had to pick up enough along the way. For those not technical, this just means then next increment of the Test)

I notice W’s vehicle is parked out front last night. Kids and I are going about our evening routine. I said nothing and wait. Eventually

D19 says, “I’m going outside dad. I have to talk with momma and have it out with her. Because I’m right and she’s absolutely wrong.”
G, “OK D19. What’s going on?”
D19, “She’s…. I’ll fill you in later.” She rolls her eyes and goes out the door with a look of distaste on her face.
G, “D19, tell me if and when you think it is right to do so.”

D17, S12, and I go through our nighttime routines and get ready for bed. I’m not sure they know she is out there. Maybe. I take the little dogs on a 15 minute night walk, get them food/water and crate. I take out big dog for a short walk just to pee. I had taken him for neutering today. He is soooooo out of it on the sedatives… and funny/not funny keeps running into things with his “cone of shame” to keep him from licking the wound. I help D17 with her chicken and take care of W’s rabbit. Lights are almost all out. Then head up to brush my own teeth.

Aside for background: D19 works at a family run (mom and two sons) business that combines a racquet club, restaurant, gym, swimming pool, and during/after school care for kids ~4-13. She teaches swim lessons and does kid care. She loves those kids. "Dad, I'm their parent. They need someone to be. Many are often dropped off for 12+ hours a day." One of those sons oversees swim lessons and the restaurant. He is the OM that W thinks made her promises. So…sort of one of D19’s bosses…. He actually handed D19 a $100 bill a few weeks back after she had dealt with several situations during the day, when no one else was stepping up.

D19 finally comes back in and plops on my bed. “D17, S12, go say goodnight to momma!” She hollers.
D19, “Yeah dad, I caught her lying to me today. I called her out on it earlier. Now I told her exactly what I think of this. Someone has to knock some sense into her.”
G, “D19, you know I can’t be the one to do so. You tell her what YOU think is right. You know I’m not telling you most of what I know and what is between us because it is not your problem. You are my CHILD. At the same time I try to let you know a little bit because of where you work.”

D19, “I know dad. But I’ll tell YOU. She sent a 40 piece chicken nuggets to the pool deck (where OM is often). Then she came by with a steak and tried to play it off as if it was for me. I DON’T eat steak! She knows that.”
G, “That…..doesn’t really surprise me. When I want to know, I can look and see what she is up to. I haven’t it quite a while.”
D19, “I told her it puts me in a bad position. It’s not right. I had her agree that she wouldn’t come over to the facility any more unless she was actually directly invited in writing. And that is not happening.” She snorts. (She meant OM directly inviting her over)

D19, ”Dad, what she’s doing will end up with D17 and S12 in counseling.”
G, ”D19, does D17 talk to you? “
D19, “Yes, she talks to me. We sometimes discuss things.”
G, ”Good. Like I’ve said before, you three should be able to talk to each other and support and depend on each other. I’ll think on stuff like counseling.“

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