Just about Done pt 2

[DnJ]

Good Morning Catman

I think im at the pure indifference and disdain mentality right now.

I agree with MrP.

Indifference is feeling numb, or having greatly attenuated emotions towards STBXW. Disdain, although an understandable reaction to her behaviours, does not lend to, nor corroborate being indifferent.

As such, you are being dragged about a bit. Perfectly normal reaction as things are getting closer to the house deadline. Now, you can/do control you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions. You can encourage, foster, reinforce detachment which is dropping the rope.

Indifference is not the holy grail in all this. Indifference is a temporary waypoint along the journey. A time of silence from all our cacophony from our spouse’s words and behaviour. This period of calm is an excellent opportunity for introspection; for digging deep within. Disdain and dragged around won’t appear on the menu.

As indifference unwinds, feeling do return. Hopefully, one has done some inner work (i.e. steps toward self discovery and forgiveness) during this time. One’s emotions do come back, just less pulling. One’s power and self control taking more of the reins.

I was expecting her to…

Expectations.

Unmet expectations lead to resentment. Which then spins up one’s feelings and frustrations.

…come over this weekend as it’s a long weekend here and go through things and pick what she wants to keep and what she doesnt so i can separate and dump/give away whats left. The response i got today was "i have plans this weekend" which is frustrating because she uses im working during the week excuse but weekends based on my instagram snooping of her account shes making plans with her new knight and shining armor protector. So she cant be bothered.

Amplified feelings being reinforced then lead us down various rabbit holes. Coupled that with snooping is a good way to keep oneself attached.

The house and its contents is part of the business side of this situation. Treat it as such. Treat it like a business deal gone sideways, for that is what it is.

When dealing with business stuff - be/remain businesslike.

So i gave her a set date of June 16th, day after that everything is assumed to be garbage. She replies I’ll get things by the 22nd which is a mere handful of days before closing.

Now, going forward and to throw some water on the fire instead gas (we always carry two buckets, one with water and one with gas, and get to choose which to use):

The quickest way to stop her fighting - agree with her.

So:

W - I’ll get my things by the 22nd.

Catman - Thank you.

Now, you are back in control of self. You have a schedule. Now, you make plans for the days of 23rd to 27th, for you to clean, and ensure the house is ready. After all, you can only control you.

Keep expectations dialled to zero. Expect nothing. Which oddly is equivalent to expect anything. Her stuff might be all gone, might be all there, or some in-between state. Doesn’t matter. Deal with whatever it is, then.

Negotiating with a person in emotional turmoil is difficult. Takes some finesse. They usually will fight against anything you say or propose. Even if it is beneficial to them. Allowing them come up with the idea has a better chance of their cooperation. A much better chance of them following through on their ideas, than our’s.

Let things lay with her. Don’t poke the bear. Continue to clean and prepare your things. And see what the 23rd brings. (Don’t fret. It will work out. One way or another.)

It’s just business.

D