I so appreciate the advice and I need to apologize for my success comment from earlier. Every situation is different and to some of the LBS's whose situation was really bad divorce may be a success to them. So I do apologize.
I am no longer trying to fix him. I have completely turned him over to God. I have set goals for myself and I just keep chugging along.
There is absolutely no contact with him, except for yesterday he did text with a question abt our YS. I answered the question and when he responded I responded with, "cool." Wasn't being ugly that's just how I was feeling in the moment.
I will have to say I don't feel anxious anymore when I get a text from him or when I'm at work waiting on 5 o'clock, I know after 5 I'm not gonna hear anything from an atty😁.
It is extremely hard not talking to him, we've been together since I was 15yrs old and I just turned 50. To go from seeing and talking to him everyday to NC....smh. It's been 1yr 8months since the BD, however I'm not real sure how long he's been in crisis before that.
I'll just keep standing in the gap for my family, I know what a counselor can't do my God can.
I'm going to highjack for 1 minute because this site is such a benefit to so many.
Mack1, my true online friend. My life is wonderful. It is so different from what you ask me I wanted and I don't regret any of it. It's been an amazing journey. I can picture all of us sitting around a campfire. You, me, truegitter, Cat, Job, DNJ and many others enjoying where we are in life. True successes.
Now Whatlee, Mach1 asked me what I wanted and yes, I wanted a reconciled marriage and my Exw to come through mid life as well and join me. I too wanted success to mean that. What I didn't know then that success could be many other things. Mach1's questions opened up the possibility that my journey in life may be elsewhere.
So for you, yes give your husband over to god, but don't stop. Keep working on yourself and grow from this. A whole different path may be on your horizon. Yes, you could be a success in restoring your marriage as others have, or you may be a LBS who finds a new path that reenergizes herself in a whole new way.
As you can see older posters do come back and in there past have tried and succeeded in helping the newer posters navigate this time in their life. It's tough to appreciate that this is a gift to us, but anytime you can grow up, become more healthy and strong and become a better person, I don't know what else to call it.
I so appreciate the advice and I need to apologize for my success comment from earlier. Every situation is different and to some of the LBS's whose situation was really bad divorce may be a success to them. So I do apologize.
For me at least, no apology needed.
Like I said, you have a very specific goal in mind, and anything less would be considered a failure.
And that will change over time.
My marriage did not survive, however...
I am a better Son, Father, Friend, and Partner than I was when I arrived here battered and bruised...
So how could I possibly consider that I failed in any way. ???
I am thankful for what I went through and the roads that I have traveled, because they have all led me to who I am today.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
It is extremely hard not talking to him, we've been together since I was 15yrs old and I just turned 50. To go from seeing and talking to him everyday to NC....smh. It's been 1yr 8months since the BD, however I'm not real sure how long he's been in crisis before that.
I'll just keep standing in the gap for my family, I know what a counselor can't do my God can.
I'm gonna address some things that I see with this....
Nothing about this is easy, and I would venture that you may be having such a hard time because so much of you is tied to him, and the marriage.
You have defined yourself by the roles in your life. A girlfriend so young, then a bride, wife, Mother, caretaker, and whatever else you want to pile on top of that.
Yet when has there ever been a time just for you ?
Discarding all of those roles and who you are inside of yourself....
???
Because something tells me that you don't have a clue...
So much of your life seems to be tied to his thoughts, his words, his actions, and that is why you feel that success is solely measured by the marriage.
MLC sukcs the wind out of us, each of us. No matter what side you are on, it will rip your life apart....
Yet I will tell you this...
Time is on your side here.
While the MLCer is soul searching and looking for answers, YOU get to do the same thing, only with a rational mind and without the destructive behavior.
You (hopefully) will eventually see this time as a gift, a gift of yourself.
So maybe try to stop thinking so much and wondering so much about who, why, what, where, and how he is doing this or that.
And wisely use that time finding and rebuilding yourself.
So maybe start thinking about who you are, what you want, what defines you as a Woman instead of all those other roles...
???
Originally Posted by Mirage
Mach1, my true online friend. My life is wonderful. It is so different from what you ask me I wanted and I don't regret any of it. It's been an amazing journey. I can picture all of us sitting around a campfire. You, me, truegitter, Cat, Job, DNJ and many others enjoying where we are in life. True successes.
I couldn't be happier for you my friend...
You've worked hard for yourself, and walked through Hades to get there.
As I picture your scenario, it warms my heart.
We can't all be there for it, yet in thought, it would be wonderful...
Mirage, just read your comment again and have some questions. When you were in MLC 2.5 years, did you know you were in a crisis? You mentioned two types of MLCs - internal and external. If an external involves woman and cars, what would you describe an internal one as, like the one you went through? Do drugs, alcohol accompany both internal and external? What clues do you have that enable you to know it started at 40 and ended at 40 1/2? Did you know at the time?
My H seems to be having an internal crisis and I know he spends some time reading, but the remainder of the time, he plays phone games and spends hours on tiktok. I know these are replay behaviors but trying to understand H still after 32 years.
I also have some questions. It's obvious they don't listen to anybody that tells them the truth, so who do they listen to? During the NC do they think abt what the LBS is doing, who they're doing it with, like I'm sure most LBS's do? Do they go places and do things that remind them of the LBS? Do they remember anything they've said or did? Do they remember anything the LBS said or did? I know, I know I need to GAL then those thoughts won't b so prevalent. Well, I do have a life, I also have alone time and have been with him pretty much my whole life, sorry I don't switch gears that fast, it's only been 1yr 8months since the separation(don't really know how long the crisis has been going on).
They do not listen to the people that they have walked away from. Their new group of friends are the ones they listen to while in crisis. Why? Because their new friends do not know the real person that they once were. They sit back and encourage them to do things and then laugh about it. They listen to people who tell them what they want to hear, i.e., like, leave your spouse, spend your money, etc. If the person that they are talking to says "go home, you shouldn't do this or that", they will shut them down and have nothing to do with them. It is all about hearing what they want to do which is have fun, explore and be a teenager once again.
Sure, they think about us. But do they tell us....no! They remain curious about us and what we are doing. Many of them do remember what they did, but they will not admit it. If and when they come out of the crisis, they would much rather sweep everything under the rug and not address it. It takes them a very long time to come back to the real world. If you send them messages or letters, they keep them. Some even keep the ribbons, cards and wrapping paper that you send them gifts in. These are the threads that keep them tied to us even though they want to run.
Yes, they do remember what we say to them and did. They even may bring those things back up during their crisis when they are hurt or angry.
It's okay to ask questions. You are trying to understand. Please, take some time and read the other threads on this forum. Many of your questions may be answered and new questions may arise once you have read the other threads.
Please try to remember that each person's crisis is similar, but also different. It all depends upon the personality and the home life that the person had when growing up. Each person will handle their crisis differently. Some do not leave home and others do. Some go to the extreme in testing the limits of life and others do it more calmly. By calmly, they may go fishing all of the time or work and put all of their attention in other activities that do not take them away from home. Some just sit and contemplate. The crisis can happen to anyone, not just people who are married.
Keep asking questions. You are very new to the MLC and there is not one answer that fits all. Keep reading, especially on depression. Depression is the main ingredient of MLC.
Continue to GAL and know that you are not alone on this journey. There are many currently here seeking answers and many who have gone before you that come back around to help pay it forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I felt like I needed permission to ask questions, so many on here are big on using the GAL phrase, so I feel at times like I shouldn't ask questions. I understand people do get frustrated, my own friends and family don't want to hear it, I don't even talk abt it with them anymore, try not to mention his name. My H's depression may b a little different from most, he had quadruple by pass in Jan of last year and I know depression comes with that as well. I just really don't understand where he's at when just 3 months ago we talked on the phone for 2hrs, now there's nothing, no text, no emails and no calls.....I just want to shake him.
I have learned this from what we have gone through. This is difficult stuff. Learn to give yourself a break. If you don't learn to love yourself do you expect someone else to. It took me close to 2 years to reorient myself to fully making it about me after my EXW left. Mack1 asked me similar tough questions he's asking you. He does it because he cares, not for any other reason. It's the only way we move forward.
MamaG,
I'll answer your questions on this thread but if you have further questions please start a thread. I will certainly read it. I don't want to highjack Whatlee's thread. although I will be gone for a couple weeks and not be able to read.
Yes, I knew enough about 6 months in that something profoundly wrong was going on within me.(the ironic thing is this had to happen if I was ever to be whole again). I wouldn't wish MLC on anyone, the pain inside your head is so intense and I can't tell you if it's real but it sure feels that way. But....I would go through it again to be where I am in life.
The internal/external thing is only my opinion. But internal for me meant that I knew that the answer was inside me. So any type of distraction, affairs, cars, drugs, alcohol was not going to help although some days the pain was so great(ending it crossed my mind many times) but not the other typical actions of outside MLC'ers. The pain was so intense for me I couldn't be involved enough timewise to go do external things. Something felt right to read and dig, read and dig and do it some more. Somewhere inside me I sensed a little voice telling me to keep going. I call it the mystical side of life, very intangible weird thing that I can't describe to make it make sense.
Haha.....it was very easy after I i came out of MLC to look back and decipher the stages, rock bottom, and the other things that come with it. There was too much pain to really decipher anything for the first 1 1/2 yrs. There is a peacefulness that came along with exiting the MLC crises. If that did not happen I don't think I would have been able to dig deep and answer Mach1's probing questions when my Exw hit her own(external MLC), But in answering those questions that allowed me to discover new tools that I needed to move my life forward.
Mirage
Last edited by DnJ; 05/24/2402:16 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
Mama G u can hi-jack my thread anytime, with your questions cause I might want to know the same thing.😂
I didn't mention any names in my previous post, I have learned a lot from this forum. This is unchartered water so information learned/shared is greatly appreciated.
I felt like I needed permission to ask questions, so many on here are big on using the GAL phrase, so I feel at times like I shouldn't ask questions. I understand people do get frustrated, my own friends and family don't want to hear it, I don't even talk abt it with them anymore, try not to mention his name. My H's depression may b a little different from most, he had quadruple by pass in Jan of last year and I know depression comes with that as well. I just really don't understand where he's at when just 3 months ago we talked on the phone for 2hrs, now there's nothing, no text, no emails and no calls.....I just want to shake him.
The reason that GAL is heavily used around here serves a couple things...
Many good people have gotten lost down a Rabbit Hole searching for the "whys" of MLC...
The "whys" are important when you first get there, I remember that, yet in the end ?
The "whys" aren't as important because they aren't YOUR answers that you have been seeking.
Too often, the LBS goes stumbling down that path and doesn't take the time to own their own roles in the downfall of the marriage.
It's too easy to blame MLC for the relationship coming unglued, and fail to understand that MLC could possibly be the reason, yet it isn't the total cause...
You are each, 100% responsible for your 50% of the marriage failing...
Yes, MLC is his, yet there are also reasons that he felt that he could not come to you with the issues dancing around in his head...
GAL also gives the LBS time away from their situation, enabling them to see that they aren't defined by whether or not they are married. It allows you to see that your sole existence isn't tied to you being all of those roles that I described earlier.
You will find that strength through GAL, strength to become strong enough to face everything that will be thrown at you during this.
So yes...
Ask questions...
Educate yourself on what MLC is, and how it affects the emotional side of the brain..
Just please...
DO NO get stuck in that place.
You will see things that will make your rational brain do cartwheels before this is over, and YOU having a firm grasp on who you are, how you deal with things will only help you on this path.
Standing is a choice that you make, it is yours and yours alone.
Knowing that you could do everything correctly (if that exists ) and still have your marriage end.
And you could also do everything wrong and have it reconciled...
None of this will make sense to any rational thinking person.
NOTHING you say or do will change the outcome, yet EVERYTHING that you say or do will affect the outcome of this..
MLC is a world where the irrational becomes rational to the MLCer.
When you can drink coffee with a fork, then you will understand it completely.
Some friends that I've made here have had some pretty incredible taglines in the past....
MLC takes it's toll, please provide exact change...
Stand, but don't stand still..
Life is about how you handle Plan B...
What's going on here ??
Who the he!l knows !!!
What do those mean to you ???
What does standing mean to you ???
What to you want for your future that is only for you ??
Not the wife that you are
Not the Mother that you are
Not the Daughter that you are
You, alone when the lights go off....
You ??
Because that ^^^ will take you farther than anything else through this...
I linked a thread on Mama G's thread...
In it, there is a plethora of MLC insight from some pretty incredible ladies that have come through here.
