What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

I understand the house still requires upkeep, maintenance, and sometimes repairs. And that H and you still jointly own it. I’d suggest for the maintenance/repairs you can do, do them. You look after it. And don’t be fearful of expanding your knowledge and horizons of what home services you can do.

My Mom of 77 lives alone with Dad in a care home. She looks after furnace filter, water filter, softener salt, the house keeping and cleaning, and such. I do look after mowing the grass, and we hired a guy to remove snow in the winter. I used to look after the snow too, and with looking after my own large homestead found I couldn’t ensure her drive got cleaned for when she needed it.

I foresee nothing baring you from doing the scheduled maintenance items along with the painting, replacing broken trim or eave down pipes, and such that comes up. And you may already be doing some, all, or even more of those things.

For larger jobs, those that would require further expertise and/or tools/equipment, yes outsource it. That could be H or a contractor. You should let H know of those larger jobs anyhow. He may step up and do it. However, he also should pay his share if it is contracted out.

Letting go, detachment, takes your power back. Your emotions aren’t uncontrollably dragged around by H’s words and/or behaviour. You can be/are still kind and cordial. And thank H for doing a good job or when he is praiseworthy. However, the LBS first needs to get their feet under themselves on solid ground, and find their balance. A lighthouse has a very strong foundation.

What do you see from your view? What's going on with H?

I see a gal who is growing, getting stronger, and finding her way. Be a lighthouse. A lighthouse doesn’t run around looking for a ship to save. It stands and shines. The ship either sees it or doesn’t.

I see H is lost. He poked his head out a bit, did a temp check, and is still baking. Still running.

H is a boomerang. Seems like a clingy boomerang type of MLCer, IMHO. He flings away for a while, and then returns. And repeats.

You need to focus on your life, especially during those absent time. Not just because it’s best for you; because H will be watching too. It’s funny how much they spy and watch their old life from afar.

When H does his cyclic returns, realize he is like a child, looking for praise and/or a kind word. (The clinginess. Wants to runaway, but not too far.) He also needs boundaries when required. H is reliving his younger years, growing up, and will test his boundaries. Keep your expectations to zero, bite your tongue (lots ), drink those STFU smoothies, keeping to whatever business is at hand and not getting dragged into his world or whatever he is/has done. It really tests your foundations, your lighthouse-ness. Be kind and cordial, and firm.

H needs to grow up. Needs to hit that rock bottom.

I sense a little chasing and loneliness which tells me my efforts may be rendering some results.

Could be.

Take away his safety net. He needs to feel his consequences of his actions. You don’t do this out of malice or anger or hatred or retribution or punishment. It’s more a byproduct of focusing on you and letting go. Giving H what he asked for. Time and space, to sort himself out.

I break down in tears of relief, anger, excitement and confusion.

Yep.

Expectations.

It’s a difficult razors edge to find. The balance between hope and expectations. To hope that H would text, or show some care towards your appointment. And yet to not hold on too tightly to such, that it becomes a need or expectation. Neither an expectation for him to or not to.

Hope is timeless. Has no deadline or timeline attached to it.

The balance is within you. That razors edge is defined by you. After you find it, realize it, start walking it, you’ll discover the balance is not razor thin. In fact, it’s quite wide and easily traversed. However, you got to get there first. And that takes some slogging. First step is detachment, then finding indifference. All while maintaining compassion.

Do I respond? If so, what do I say? When do I respond?

Keep it simple and straightforward. Especially for a person in crisis. Their attention span is that of a gnat and their emotions are cranked to eleven, so anything else is far too much pressure and sends them in the opposite direction. Less is more. And of course, the whole No R-Talks.

text from H that wishes me luck with a medical exam today and to let him know how it turns out.

Tomorrow, respond: “The exam went fine. Thank you for asking.”

Utilize a 24-48 hour rule for responding to H. This gives your emotions time to settle and ensures you formulate a response based upon logic and reason rather than your emotional state.

Some LBS have so much poking from their spouse they go to a once a week schedule of returning/responding to the various emails, texts, and voice mails. You are not to that extreme, kind of the opposite actually. So it can seem harder to realize “why” to delay response, and to only respond to questions that require a response.

Best of luck today.

D