Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

I have not indicated any limits on their timing with her.

Left unspoken is why does she not come earlier and come in when it is not disruptive to bedtimes. Unspoken is why she does not take them to her place for visits.

You likely need to, should, speak about this. And I mean with the kids.

Gentle steering. Open and honest dialog with them. I’d bet they find Mom’s later night side of the road look at me I’m a great mom hug disruptive too. Allow them tell you how they feel and see things. Encourage and support that they can say “no thank you” to such timing.

However, it does take time for kids to come to that. For a while, they cannot risk loosing their parent and will put up with much. During this, they will also lash out at the strong and stable parent; that parent getting a double dose. All perfect normal responses. When they are ready to start standing up to Mom’s behaviour, support them is all. Be their living example.

I had been considering if I should place a boundary on the timing. Some of her behavior irritated me also. Sometimes I have too much patience. I wondered if the lateness was a conscious or unconscious act to justify NOT coming inside the home, as she sometimes lately seems uncomfortable here. W didn't meet my eyes the other night when she did come in saying, "Oh, I'm coming in because D17 told me I HAD to clean the bunny cage." The thing is, the rabbit is hers. It is not D17's to take care of. I don't think she had cleaned the cage in a week.

For the moment I had just been observing the changes and actions over time. For the moment I let the kids interact without me fixing anything... including sometimes getting out of bed to say goodnight.

The children had been doing a partial version of "no thank you" to the timing. Each would exit the "good night" when they wanted to... and come back inside. Sometimes they let her wait while they finish their own priorities in the house and then go see her. Since that post, D19 has taken action on her own though.

D19, "Dad, I'm going to tell her to stop coming so late. It's after 10:00 and I'm tired and want to sleep. I have work tomorrow! She needs to stop that."
G, "OK, D19. That is fine to tell her. She chooses when she comes over."
D19, "I told her she needs to come by 9:30. She said she would."

D19 is the one who can risk. She could move out if she chose. She has a full time job and a car. She has her own life now. She stays because she likes her home and siblings while proceeding with a soft launch into the world.

Tonight W arrived at 9:50. Kids went out when they pleased. They were back in by 10:10.

Directionally better.

g