What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

Some thoughts for you.

I understand feeling caught and anxious. Being unsure of which way to go and/or what you should do.

Do more of what works....seems to be including him in events and doctor appts, but I'm so anxious to have him hit rock bottom. Not sure how to marry these up.

You do have to marry these together. It’s not your journey, nor your responsibility. It’s up to H to decide when he has hit rock bottom. You cannot speed that up. You cannot force it.

Doing more of works can be a difficult thing to suss out. A solutions journal can help. Although, for a lot of things in a crisis the person’s progress is mostly internal and hidden from the world. It appears like nothing is happening. So, looking from the external, one cannot tell if something is happening or not. It’s quite madding. Best to let go of that rope.

He is a true friend and companion when we're together, especially doctor appts.

Well, I've learned that H only reaches out for a doctor appt.

I want you to consider that statements. Is he really? A true friend. Though thick and thin. Really?

Or is he convenient? Sort of. Helps with the doctor appointments, then ghosts.

What do you think about this: My friends don’t treat me that way.

Do you know how you want your friends to treat you? How you deserved to be treated? Respected?

People will treat you as you allow them to.

[I] used the 'as if' approach. I told him that it was a great day full of laughs. Told him I missed him and then asked how his was.

Act as if. Another useful tool for us. Act as if, installs and reinforces feelings and thoughts, which then become behaviour, our normal.

I’d alter your response for the next times.

I told him that it was a great day full of laughs. Told him I missed him and then asked how his was.

Yes, tell him you had a great day. That’s it. No telling him (or yourself btw) that you miss him. No asking him about his day. Just that you had a great day. Leave him wondering.

You definitely do not want to feed into his ego and his narrative that MamaG misses him and is sitting there waiting on a shelf for him. And don’t do that either! GAL. Act as if, until it becomes your normal.

Do I remind him of the surgery and ask him to take me to the appt, under the "do what works" approach? Or, do I leave him as he fired me as a wife and not remind him of surgery? I know eventually H will know that I had surgery and wonder why I didn't include him as with other appts.

When living in the past, one is depressed. When living in the future, one is anxious. When living in the present, one is calm and at peace.

You are anxious. Living for the what ifs. Trying to do things to positively affect the future.

Focus on the here and now. Live for today. And, doing things to positively affect your present will positively affect your future. It’s about how you focus and place your efforts.

To that end, can you see your fretting about what to do? So what if/when H finds out you went to surgery and didn’t include him. No big deal! Look, he is the dude who moved out and decided that you and he should live apart. Figures he’ll call and converse when it suits him. Bah, you deserve better than that. So, demand it. Through your actions.

H need to feel the loss, before he might change directions. Before he will decide he hit rock bottom. And lots of folks can/will hover just inches above rock bottom, for a long long time. Rock bottom hurts, and people will do just about anything to avoid pain and consequences.

Again, you do not speed up his journey. However, you doing, living, focusing on you and your life has positive benefits towards that end. That’s DB in a nutshell. There is no guarantee it will save your marriage, however it will save you. And in that, gives you your best chance at saving your marriage.

So, if you need help for the doctor appointment, find someone more reliable.

If you want to inform H, maybe: “H, my surgery is coming up on 5/24. I’ll let you know how it goes”. Although, I’d likely inform him after the fact, like on the 25th, if at all.

Don’t play his game. Live and love your life. Your present day.

D