What can I do differently?

[Pattnee5]

Mama I’m sorry you geek so exhausted and drained. I remember that time. My biggest advice around this is you’re exhausted because you’re putting all your energy into H and trying to fix him or figure him out or put the puzzle pieces together. When you give so much energy to the situation you start to drain yourself and lose yourself in the chaos. H is at a time in his life where all his pieces have broken apart and now he is trying to piece himself back together and there is nothing anyone can do to help him.
Step back step right back. You don’t need to give definition to what standing or being the lighthouse looks for you. Let it just happen. You will know what feels right. For me, dropping the rope and turning the focus on me and the kids( because it’s just the 3 of us now while H roams the other side of the globe). We have a happy safe home full of laughter and fun and joy. I never realised how much H bad energy all of last year drained us all. My version of being the lighthouse is he knows where we are when he needs us or if he chooses to one day get himself through the tunnel and return to us. If it’s meant to be it will happen. If he’s meant to stay stuck in crazy MlC land that’s his journey not mine