Hang in there Grok. Just remember at the end of the day its not worth fighting and giving up your values and morals for someone who is willing to give up a marriage and a stable family. God does not reward those who are given so many blessings and cant humble themselves to be grateful for these blessings. You have shown so much resilience and fortitutde throughout this whole process, many of us admire your stoicism in the face of all the obstacles thrown in front of you, a lot of us could not do even a fraction of what you have managed to do, by being an amazing example for your children and by being a stable guiding force in their life when you have had to deal with a storm wrought by a lost soul. Sometimes it is best to be alone than to be with the wrong person, and when one can accept this God will bless us with the right person as a reward for our faith and perseverance. Your W will learn the hard way the lessons she has been given time to learn from up front but refused to do so. One cannot avoid fate and run from our problems, that road only leads to a giant wall. You are on the right path mentally and your children will be the gift from god that will give you life and love
I’m learning to be more settled living in the present. To not worry about future implications too much or the parts of a future that I don’t control.
I had several people ask me this week, “what are you going to do? Are you going to date? What is the timeline? When will the judgement be? Ect…?”
My answer was, “I don’t know. I’m not worried about it. Any D will come when/if she files. I believe she will. I’m living my life today. Minus the drama of W’s decisions (my new definition: drama = emotional violence) my children and I have a pretty good life really. Any other relationship will come if / when it happens. I won’t seek or worry about the things I don't need to address right now. ”
Contrasts….
When W comes over to see kids right now it is often in short bursts. Over the last two months they have been getting shorter. Happy giggles and so forth as D17 and S12 mess around with her. Cute instagram selfie of S12 and W happy faces posted this morning. All is happy, see! Look close and they are in her vehicle. Those FB posts presenting happy normal life.
Her claimed plan a the mediation was to spend 6hrs/day weekdays in the home while I am at work. Also unrestricted days at her place. More typical now was yesterday. I checked the house cams. She took D17 to gymnastics, came back by for 5 minutes with S12 (he wanted her to stay, she said something about have to go back to her RV right now), came over at 10:10p for goodnight hugs. She had been coming in the house ~9-9:30p for 30 to 60 minutes.
Now? Almost always after 10p when lights are mostly out and kids brushing their teeth. Since it is disruptive to evening routines and dogs to come in that late, she stays in her car and texts “anyone want hugs?” The kids go out to her at the curb and take 30 seconds for D19, 5 to 20 minutes for D17 and S12. I have not indicated any limits on their timing with her.
Left unspoken is why does she not come earlier and come in when it is not disruptive to bedtimes. Unspoken is why she does not take them to her place for visits.
D19, “What is she even doing all day? She doesn’t have a job. That would drive me nuts. There is no reason she has to come that late when I’m tired and want to sleep.” G, “I don’t know anymore D19. She has her own issues and plans.”
Speculation - she is waiting for the agreed 18 months of alimony and 50/50 asset split. Not so sure on her budgeting skills. Car and health insurance will be hers to pay at that point. Done right that will eat a substantial fraction. W made comments to the effect that she’ll just do without health coverage for a bit.
Ack. Continue to restrain/give her to God with my fixit stress.
Distant Early Warning - Rush
An ill wind comes arising … Red alert, Red alert It’s so hard to stay together … The world weighs on my shoulders But what am I to do? You sometimes drive me crazy — But I worry about you
I know it makes on difference To what you’re going through But I see the tip of the iceberg — And I worry about you…
D17 teaching
I’ve wondered about the homeschooling bit with W not present many days now. I’m keeping an eye on it. It is summer break for the schooling co-op program. More has to be done than that program provides alone though. The other day on a 1 hr day visit, W gave D17 instructions on daily schooling for S12 to do right now. Hmmm…. D17 has been following through with him. She said, “Daddy, I was bored during the day right now so I asked Mommy if I could teach him.”
How much is D17 seeing a gap and filling in for parents? I don’t know. It is good for D17 and S12 and disturbs me at the same time.
Morning humor, thinking of TSquared2’s garden.
In our tiny urban back yard, D17 has been working on a garden of sorts. I’ve helped her set up various pots, containers, etc where she has planted a variety of stuff. Middling successes over the last few years. It’s harder than Youtube makes it seem and she has found out. I let her succeed and fail as learning.
I helped her make the “soil” and set up a set of fabric planters outside the back porch door a year or two ago. Now, one of the little dogs has decided these are the perfect place to dig a little nest and sleep in the sun. Aggravates D17, so I told her this morning we could section off a part of the yard with remaining chicken wire. This morning was a change up though and we will have to do it sooner than later… Big dog, like many, does not take into account their size differences. He decided he should follow the example of the little dog….
75 lbs vs 15 lbs dog in a 3 foot wide fabric planter. I had to laugh, then shoo them out. The contrast though! Such a dumb and smart dog. D17 squawk’d. LOL
Coda
Originally Posted by JJ
The LRT should be a win/win situation.
You either get back a partner that wants to be back with you, or you lose a burden in your life.
It's a tuff choice at times.
Freeedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
The flip from W as partner to burden is difficult to accept or comprehend. It is unsettling to realize I feel better when her drama and expenses are not mine to share. She was supposed to be closer than a brother. Did I put too much on another human being?
Closer than a Brother - Josh Garrels (Proverbs 18:24)
Fell on dark days Scared to lose I cry for You In Your arms, Lord Carry me through I won't go without You
O Lord, You're closer than a brother A friend that I can fall on
Working from home today, so right now we are off to the store with D17 and S12 at their request. Oh, um, what happened to shorter posts as I think of coherent sections?
g
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
My best man and I reconnected this last year. His question, "G, how are you and God in all this?"
If... - Beautiful Eulogy
"If in one unfortunate moment You took everything that I own Everything you've given from heaven above And everything that I've ever known ..... It would crush me, it would break me It would suffocate and cause heartache I would taste the bitter dark providence But you would still preserve my faith ... If I have you I could lose everything And still consider it gain"
g
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
U2- 40 Psalms 40 The Byrds - Turn! Turn! Turn! Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 Mumford and Sons - Awake my soul Psalm 57 Etc...
Yeah, I've always had a thing for music inspired by Bible verses. Somehow it felt more real than purpose made "religious music" genre.
Interestingly enough I've had an unexpected 180 this last year related to music. Before this year I used to be much more about the musical sounds than the lyrics. The closest I've been able to describe how I perceive the world with my senses is to say things unfold to me like those videos of fractals. All the notes and beats in music I perceived as overlapping and interleaving connections on an almost fractal mathematical basis. Beautiful to me. Now?... Well written lyrics hit me hard at the emotional level to the point I can't listen to a number of songs. Now you get me posting lyrics.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Coincidence certainly is God's way of staying anonymous...
Agreed, though to what end the meaning? In life I've never ended up where I thought I was going. I accept the coincidence and await what it will bring me. I'm wary of reading into signs we see. In my current state, or really anytime, it is far to easy to overlay our own purposes and desired endings rather than follow to His.
Symbols and Signs - Beautiful Eulogy
There's this idea that an individual Is somehow more spiritual If he sees these signs and symbols And takes what's normally invisible And makes it simple But I say the mark of a mature man Is the one who reads God's Word and understands And allows that to govern his decisions and his prospective plans ... I'm not saying that God can't do it Not saying that God won't do it That might very well be the case! I'm simply making an observation of how much weight you place on it ... I've never seen the partin' Of an ocean Or a cloud by day or pillar by night Just a normal everyday working of life Where things that suck royally Is evidence of His royalty Scratch your temple So deep it's simple Silly us, ignore the plain We prefer a riddle Dying to see a miracle While holding God's diary Looking for signs
I find this message overlaps with
Originally Posted by Puppy Dog Tails
Coach's Go by your Values and Beliefs, not Your Feelings Philosophy:
Respond in a way that reflects your values and beliefs not your feelings. As a Coach and a former military officer I know lots of ways to change how you are feeling. Feelings are fleeting, can be manipulated, can be dysfunctional, situational and are a poor compass. … Don't let your feelings define you. Let your actions which is a sign of your character. Handle it.
Nicely done with questions about dating, how you will manage, etc. Yep, leave the future to unfurl in its time.
Originally Posted by grok
Now? Almost always after 10p when lights are mostly out and kids brushing their teeth. Since it is disruptive to evening routines and dogs to come in that late, she stays in her car and texts “anyone want hugs?” The kids go out to her at the curb and take 30 seconds for D19, 5 to 20 minutes for D17 and S12.
Wow. Hugs at the side of the road.
Yep, some strange stuff sure does happen.
Originally Posted by grok
I have not indicated any limits on their timing with her.
Left unspoken is why does she not come earlier and come in when it is not disruptive to bedtimes. Unspoken is why she does not take them to her place for visits.
You likely need to, should, speak about this. And I mean with the kids.
Gentle steering. Open and honest dialog with them. I’d bet they find Mom’s later night side of the road look at me I’m a great mom hug disruptive too. Allow them tell you how they feel and see things. Encourage and support that they can say “no thank you” to such timing.
However, it does take time for kids to come to that. For a while, they cannot risk loosing their parent and will put up with much. During this, they will also lash out at the strong and stable parent; that parent getting a double dose. All perfect normal responses. When they are ready to start standing up to Mom’s behaviour, support them is all. Be their living example.
Originally Posted by grok
I’ve wondered about the homeschooling bit with W not present many days now. I’m keeping an eye on it. It is summer break for the schooling co-op program. More has to be done than that program provides alone though. The other day on a 1 hr day visit, W gave D17 instructions on daily schooling for S12 to do right now. Hmmm…. D17 has been following through with him. She said, “Daddy, I was bored during the day right now so I asked Mommy if I could teach him.”
How much is D17 seeing a gap and filling in for parents? I don’t know. It is good for D17 and S12 and disturbs me at the same time.
Do not let daughter be parent. She is daughter, and she needs to grow, explore, and be herself.
Yes, D17 can help out. Yet, responsibility for S12’s schooling is your’s and W’s. Now, W is a bit of a flake. So, that leaves you. In short, do it!
Be present and active in S12’s schooling and life. Heck, all your kids lives. By the way, is D17 graduating this year or one more to go? What about post high school education?
Lots gets put on our plates. I know you can knock it out of the park G.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I have not indicated any limits on their timing with her.
Left unspoken is why does she not come earlier and come in when it is not disruptive to bedtimes. Unspoken is why she does not take them to her place for visits.
You likely need to, should, speak about this. And I mean with the kids.
Gentle steering. Open and honest dialog with them. I’d bet they find Mom’s later night side of the road look at me I’m a great mom hug disruptive too. Allow them tell you how they feel and see things. Encourage and support that they can say “no thank you” to such timing.
However, it does take time for kids to come to that. For a while, they cannot risk loosing their parent and will put up with much. During this, they will also lash out at the strong and stable parent; that parent getting a double dose. All perfect normal responses. When they are ready to start standing up to Mom’s behaviour, support them is all. Be their living example.
I had been considering if I should place a boundary on the timing. Some of her behavior irritated me also. Sometimes I have too much patience. I wondered if the lateness was a conscious or unconscious act to justify NOT coming inside the home, as she sometimes lately seems uncomfortable here. W didn't meet my eyes the other night when she did come in saying, "Oh, I'm coming in because D17 told me I HAD to clean the bunny cage." The thing is, the rabbit is hers. It is not D17's to take care of. I don't think she had cleaned the cage in a week.
For the moment I had just been observing the changes and actions over time. For the moment I let the kids interact without me fixing anything... including sometimes getting out of bed to say goodnight.
The children had been doing a partial version of "no thank you" to the timing. Each would exit the "good night" when they wanted to... and come back inside. Sometimes they let her wait while they finish their own priorities in the house and then go see her. Since that post, D19 has taken action on her own though.
D19, "Dad, I'm going to tell her to stop coming so late. It's after 10:00 and I'm tired and want to sleep. I have work tomorrow! She needs to stop that." G, "OK, D19. That is fine to tell her. She chooses when she comes over." D19, "I told her she needs to come by 9:30. She said she would."
D19 is the one who can risk. She could move out if she chose. She has a full time job and a car. She has her own life now. She stays because she likes her home and siblings while proceeding with a soft launch into the world.
Tonight W arrived at 9:50. Kids went out when they pleased. They were back in by 10:10.
Directionally better.
g
H:55 XW:50 D19, D18, S13 ILYBINILWY 3/23 DB1 4/23, rescinded 5/23, DB2 6/23 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-5 & W leaves 8/23 – 3/24 Settlement 5/24, Court 9/11/24 <-, D 9/16/24
Most men arriving here have too loose boundaries...and lose respect...in turn losing attraction.
Originally Posted by grok
I had been considering if I should place a boundary on the timing. Some of her behavior irritated me also. Sometimes I have too much patience.
When you.... I fell.... If you... I will...
Go ahead and fill this out..not that you have to send it to her, but rather you will firm this up in your mind.
Getting my beliefs, thoughts, words, facial expressions, tones, timing and actions all in alignment is part of what I learned during this process. Continue to work on getting them all in alignment with her.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Most men arriving here have too loose boundaries...and lose respect...in turn losing attraction.
Originally Posted by grok
I had been considering if I should place a boundary on the timing. Some of her behavior irritated me also. Sometimes I have too much patience.
When you.... I fell.... If you... I will...
Go ahead and fill this out..not that you have to send it to her, but rather you will firm this up in your mind.
Getting my beliefs, thoughts, words, facial expressions, tones, timing and actions all in alignment is part of what I learned during this process. Continue to work on getting them all in alignment with her.
