What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

Patt is spot on with her advice. Do take the focus off H, and focus on you. Drop that rope or be dragged. Letting go and standing can, and do, happen together. Embrace the gift of time.

I know he is having an EA (didn't understand until today). H admitted to EA in Feb and I told him at one point that he should feel strange after EA and not after me. This made him uncomfortable and such moments have dwindled. H was/is not totally comfortable but I thought I could keep affairs out of the pic this way. Not sure whether to continue or to start some snooping to confirm PA or no PA. Maybe I'll get the internal strength to snoop a bit....as I certainly don't need any shared diseases.

I honestly don't know much about his whereabouts because I would not handle snooping well. Simple stuff would have me spinning and I needed to be talked off my ledge.

Ok. So, H is smitten with someone. Perhaps it remained not physical, perhaps not. I’d not go snooping as it will send you spinning. Besides, how would you truly know.

Affairs are illicit and most do not like the light. Confronting a spouse, demanding to see their phone and such measures of their whereabouts are easily manipulated by these masters of manipulation and lies. They simply get a second phone and take their affair deeper underground.

You only control you. You don’t want to risk sharing a disease. One sure way, no cake eating.

Breaking of trust is a difficult thing to rebuild. H needs to consistently demonstrate positive behaviours. Is he anywhere near that?

If H is in a EA. Chances are it will become a PA. Let it go. Focus on you.

Affairs are a symptom, a mere band-aid. And, unfortunately, they need to run their course. H is broken and chose, was driven to, having a relationship outside of the marriage. Until he feels consequences of his actions, some rock-bottom painful consequences which are not of your doing, he will not change. It is very rare for one to alter their life. Most take the comfortable easy path, until pain forces them to shift headings.

H needs to feel his consequences. Give him to God. While you live your life. You can certainly pray for him, speak with him, and such. However, he has/is fired/firing you as wife, let him feel that. Focus on you, and not be an emotional support for him.

Time and space. Right?

With such, hopefully H someday realizes that “hey, MG hasn’t spoken to me or been around for a while and my life is still all confused and mixed up. I’m still unhappy.” Then with some good fortune, “hmmm, perhaps she’s not the cause. Perhaps, it’s me.” And if he is strong enough, he’ll hopefully start to look inward and start dealing with his demons.

DnJ's comment about potential sexual abuse in his childhood has me thinking and I plan to ask him straight out at some point when the time is right. H has a good memory about his childhood - doesn’t seem to be gapped in years or moments. But, I've not narrowed it out. I know with certainty that his uncle 10 years his senior was abused by a family member's neighbor. Can't help but wonder if H was too and perhaps covered up by family. Unless someone guides me otherwise, I will ask H if he was abused.

I’d not do that.

Oh my, so much pressure!

H is likely to explode and since he likely cannot/will not accept the roots of his trauma, he will lash out at you.

Realize whatever long ago trauma(s) there are/were, H buried them for self preservation. He had to! And he has to uncover said trauma(s) in his time and on his timeline; which is so very slow. You cannot speed it up. Anything you do will likely delay his progress or worse derail it.

You know there was previous abuse in the family and they covered it up. The family’s actions and behaviours is very likely the root of H’s trauma. He was directly abused or was exposed/heard about stuff and had no one to speak with or report it to.

The most horrible thing one can do to another person, is betrayal. A betrayal of trust, betrayal of faith, runs deep. And those wounds exist for life. They really do. Even for us LBS.

Healing is possible. It takes digging deep into ourselves, doing that inner work, and forgiveness. The wounds can heal. Personally, I love the idea of kintsugi; putting pieces back together with gold. Our scars, golden, an expression of hard-earned strength and beauty.

Some folks do not do their hard work and suffer festering wounds for their entire life. That’s anybody: MLCer, LBS, kids, family, friends, or otherwise.

At this time, H is not ready. His wounds are barely realized (if at all) and far too raw. Remember, you didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him.

However, your wounds, you can definitely work on and heal.


D