What can I do differently?

[DnJ]

Good Morning MG

It's still my nightmare. What I haven't told you is what is on my backburner, as I focus on understanding this insanity. H's family doesn't reach out to him - not a close bunch. I've asked them to check on him and be more involved but I fell on deaf ears. They're disappointed in what they see (outward changes of piercings, tattoos, Duck Dynasty beard). Would you recommend that I re-ask [his family] to be more involved? Or do we think H is better to be left alone as he has been?

You asked H’s family to check in on him. And as you say, they are not a close family. You asked, they responded. I’d leave that as is now.

And, the second obstacle I've been avoiding is verbally admitting that he's moved out. We live in a small town and I don't know how to tell this story, especially since his story isn't one I like to tell. (He is short and says, he bought a house and moved out.) Do I adopt his script? or say something like, H is going through some things and we're figuring ourselves out?

This is often an area of concern for new LBS. Wondering, how do I explain the situation.

You don’t have to. You don’t have to explain anything to small town nosey neighbours. (I live in a small town. )

Different levels of information are appropriate for different relationship. Family, friends, neighbours.

Basically, just stick to the facts of the situation. An example, XW moved in with OM. I had to remove her from “our” post office box. No point having her mail show up here. Therefore, I had to let the post mistress know of some new living arrangements. I didn’t tell her where XW moved to, just that she no longer lived with me and the kids. That’s was the same for income tax, census, the town’s emergency response plan, and so on.

And in a small town, gossip travels fast. However, my MLCer is/was a high energy one. XW was flaunting her shinny new lover and life. The two of them were going to all kinds of events together. It was a difficult pill to swallow having her narrative spread around.

In time, the truth does win out. And it did here as well. I bit my tongue, went about my life, and let her and OM mess up their story themselves. That “no manipulating” is a tough thing to follow at times. lol.

Family and good close friends do deserve more information. That’s your family, not his. Blood is thicker than water. No matter what, H’s family will still be his family. And they will lean to his side. Or perhaps remain neutral. I know it’s difficult, do not go looking for allies and/or support from H’s family, parents, siblings.

MG, you are placing H’s relationship with his family on your stove; back burner it may be. And worrying about what to say about the current events; which is stemming from denial BTW. When you let go of that, you’ll let go of the nightmare. Well, this portion of it.

You can only control you. Not H, nor his family, nor what the townsfolk think or hear or see.

For a chance at some future reconciliation, and for your peace of mind (which is by far the better reason), do not salt the earth. Some go nuclear and tell all, openly blasting their wayward spouse and their affair to everyone. Very difficult to come back from such a thing. Don’t ring bells that can’t be un-rung. Yet, don’t walk on eggshells either. More facts than feelings. After all, feelings are fleeting.

I may have just connected a couple dots. When you say, MLCer runs, are you saying that H is running from being 49 and WANTS/CHOOSES to go back to childhood trauma for a do-over? H actually wants to go back? I've been thinking MLCer has been running from the childhood trauma so H doesn't have to face it. If H is choosing to relive those years to get through the trauma, it sounds like he may be between 17 and 20.

Yes, he is running from being 49. He is running from being old and wants a do over. To replay, to relive his youth and all that he feels he missed out on.

Is H choosing it? Sort of. Though more not. He is more driven to it. His emotions are pushing him, driving him, so much, so ceaselessly, H is desperate for relief/escape. And desperate people do desperate things.

H is running from himself. Yet no matter how far or fast he runs, there his is. (Pattnee’s H is realizing that from the other side of the globe.)

A crisis is a hard thing to understand, because it is not rational. A crisis is emotionally driven. It does not make sense. H will do strange, unreasonable, irrational stuff. Because he feels it.

We are outside of his crisis, and it is difficult to figure out. Being inside, like H, would be mind boggling.

I've read that MLC intimacy with LBS is not a connection, but rather a feel good about self moment for MLCer. Agree? In the few instances, things are great in the moment and for the rest of our 'visit', but he's said "I don't like how I feel" the day following intimacy. Why is that? What goes through MLCer? If H is 17 to 20 in his trauma (clearly driving to pick me up), I would think that intimacy would make him feel good the next day. Can you help break this down for me?

One cannot form a sincere connection, especially an intimate one, with someone else when they do not have connection to themself.

You are correct, intimacy would make him feel good the next day. Therefore, H is not intimately connected to his deep self.

H is lost! He is floating along, doing whatever he feels might alleviate his depression, pain, numbness, in that moment. Nothing he currently does, provides long lasting reprieve.

MLCers are desperate to find something to give their lives meaning. Yet they toss aside the very tenets that did/do just that. A loving family doesn’t just grow on trees, or is found on any street corner. It’s such a cruel twist, the very thing they run from they will come to desperately seek. (Family, friends, hard work, responsibility, and so on.)

When H says, “I don’t know how I feel” he is being honest.

Basically, for the MLCer, it’s sex. Not intimacy. Yes, there is likely old H somewhere in that hot mess of emotions, so not totally 100%. Maybe 90/10? 95/5? 98/2? Well, whatever percentage, mostly sex.

Some caution and advice. Most importantly, use protection. You don’t need to contract some STD. Yes, I know you don’t think, feel, believe H is having an affair. (H will lie about it BTW) You might be right. And I hope you are. However, it is staggering how common affairs are. In fact, I cannot think of a single situation where there wasn’t an affair. Some are announced, yet most are eventually discovered. (Not being mean here girl. You deserve and need to know the truth. Your health and well-being is vital.)

If you partake in activities with H, have no expectations that he is attaching some deep meaning to the encounter. Just enjoy it for what it is. If that is what you wish you do. Lots of folks cannot do this and being close keeps them emotionally messed up. Detachment is the single best thing you can do for your mental/emotional health.

Cake eating. I don’t recommend letting them have their cake and eat it too. If there is sex with someone else, no sex with you. Period.

As for the EA and PA response you provided, I am so lost. Maybe I'm in denial but I haven't looked to understand affairs too deeply bc I haven't seen any evidence of an affair. What do you mean that an "EA is a fantasy"? Go ahead and laugh at me....Do you mean H is talking with himself? Talking with an online gal like onlyfans?

I won’t laugh at you. Honest. This stuff is difficult, especially when we first get tossed into it. Let’s flesh it out some.

An affair: a sexual relationship between two people, one or both of whom are married to or in a long-term relationship with someone else.

A sexual relationship. Sexual makes it not just friends. Therefore an affair.

There are two types of affairs. Emotional affair and physical affair. Let’s start with the more straightforward of the two, the physical affair. As the name states it’s physical. Real, in-person, activities. The emotional affair is a sexual relationship that hasn’t cross in to the face to face world. No physical sex/contact. What about kissing? That’s contact, and if it’s sexual in nature, well things are likely going to progress quickly. So no point getting bogged down splitting hairs here.

The EA is therefore sans contact. Texts, emails, phone calls, pictures, etc. The “affair release” is fantasy because they do not meet or contact each other. The picture someone has of such a “lover” in their mind is a fantasy. A fantasy does no wrong. Is always willing and right there. It’s a falsehood, a fabrication of the mind. And therefore devilishly hard to fight or compete against.

Oddly, the fantasy EA when taken into the real world and becomes a PA has a higher chance of extinguishing. Fantasies don’t get sick, or hung over, or fight, etc. And moving in really brings up the problems in an illicit relationship. Cleaning vomit, doing dishes, laundry, etc, all very much too real.

Also, said EA relationship could be one-way. Only one person is involved, or even knows about it. Very stalker-like.

“I think most crisis have an undertone, or direct trauma that is sexual in nature." I don't know what you mean by this comment? Could H have been sexually abused? Sexually denied by a prior relationship?

Yes, that is the kind of thing I was referring to.

Especially, an immature child. Imagine how messed up one would become. The youngest has basically no skills or reference or understanding of what/why things are happening to them. And being young, they are highly egocentric, the world revolves around them.

So, they internalize what is happening. They blame themselves. They come to feel they deserve it. It’s how they cope. It’s a horrible poor mechanism, yet it’s all their immature minds have at that time. And to survive, they bury the events, the pain, the trauma.

Things buried alive, will come back to haunt.

I don’t know H’s past, just causes, patterns, and similarities pieced together over the years and over the stories. Something major planted those long ago seeds.

That being said, perhaps H is struggling with a hard life transition, more than a full blown crisis. (And I really do hope and pray that is so.) Time will tell. Regardless, your path is the same.

D