MA, I spent some time reading up on your story today and am astonished on so many levels. My initial BD was around the time of yours - Feb 2023. But, I had no idea that this was a MLC until Feb 2024. I did many things wrong in that year and suffered many tears of confusion, anger, disbelief, etc. As I read through your year, it is so very different from mine. The only window of crazy monstering was from Aug to Oct. There were tough arguments, sadness and discontentment before Aug and then after Oct but not red flag monstering - just marriage issues that we work through. For me, the tough thing is that he runs. Abandoned house, kids, me a month after BD2 and quickly bought a house down the road. H calls that house 'home' and it triggers me. I'm working on that.
I am so sorry to hear how much your H monsters and am impressed how you don't get sucked back into his emotions when in the moment. I am weak in comparison to you. And, still question if abandoning H is the right approach. H's family isn't all too engaged or actively concerned.
A comment that caught my eye in your post is, "We met the other week & he was crying saying he feels he has nothing to show for the past 27 years and that he's stepped back in time (he's living in a studio flat, unfurnished, sleeping on a mattress). When we met, his circumstances were similar. I was the wage earner & we lived a good life, nice house, nice holidays etc. I think this was also a trigger for his MLC." Like you, I saved H financially and emotionally some 32 years ago We've lived a co-dependent life but unlike your H, my H contributed to the house and family. H cleaned, picked up, organized, coached, cooked, mowed. He would gaslight and walk away from conflict, but as a whole our co-dependent relationship did run a house and kept the family afloat through busy child rearing days. Interestingly, as I reflect, he didnt do much parenting - that was all on me. My question is: Why do you think that you providing for him triggered the MLC? My H is struggling financially now too, doesn't contribute to 'our' home and has spewed that I make more than he does and he's struggling to pay bills. First, I don't know how to respond to such commentary, but secondly, I'd be interested in learning why you think saving him and financially providing for him could have triggered MLC.
Stay strong - your ability to manage him and your situation is impressive. I don't know that I'd be as strong.
