DnJ, your responses take me a couple reads to process and digest. I'm so confused by all of this. As a logical person, this is all mind-boggling. Thank you for taking the time and always providing well thought through responses.

Love your nightmare correction. smile It's still my nightmare. What I haven't told you is what is on my backburner, as I focus on understanding this insanity. H's family doesn't reach out to him - not a close bunch. I've asked them to check on him and be more involved but I fell on deaf ears. They're disappointed in what they see (outward changes of piercings, tattoos, Duck Dynasty beard). Would you recommend that I re-ask them to be more involved? Or do we think H is better to be left alone as he has been?

And, the second obstacle I've been avoiding is verbally admitting that he's moved out. We live in a small town and I don't know how to tell this story, especially since his story isn't one I like to tell. (He is short and says, he bought a house and moved out.) Do I adopt his script? or say something like, H is going through some things and we're figuring ourselves out?

"Thought like his teenage self. Not the responsibilities of his present older self and life. That is how they run. Trying to escape themselves. Trying to relive, and grow up, from when they were emotionally stunted." I may have just connected a couple dots. When you say, MLCer runs, are you saying that H is running from being 49 and WANTS/CHOOSES to go back to childhood trauma for a do-over? H actually wants to go back? I've been thinking MLCer has been running from the childhood trauma so H doesn't have to face it. If H is choosing to relive those years to get through the trauma, it sounds like he may be between 17 and 20.

"When, if, H exits running/replay - you will know. There will be no doubts. Exiting replay means H has stopped running and is facing all he has done, and what was done to him long ago. The withdrawal and depression is deep and staggering." I can't imagine depression that is worse than what he's feeling now. And withdrawing (ghosting) more than he does now seems impossible but I trust you've been there. Sorry, I really am. What behaviors can I expect? What changes will I see? You say it'll be obvious - can you give ideas or what you experienced?

This comment resonates: "To me, H’s interactions with the kids, is a mixture of a few things. H peaking out of the tunnel; a temp check; a teenager mentality connecting/trying to be friends (instead of being a parent); and confused H/Dad unsure how to express his feelings." It seems like H wants to be friends - haven't seen much parenting but see him wanting to go to breakfast or hang out. I've even sensed that with me. H is perfectly comfortable being a friend but gets all squirmy with intimacy. Which brings me to another thought/question. I've read that MLC intimacy with LBS is not a connection, but rather a feel good about self moment for MLCer. Agree? In the few instances, things are great in the moment and for the rest of our 'visit', but he's said "I don't like how I feel" the day following intimacy. Why is that? What goes through MLCer? If H is 17 to 20 in his trauma (clearly driving to pick me up), I would think that intimacy would make him feel good the next day. Can you help break this down for me?

As for the EA and PA response you provided, I am so lost. Maybe I'm in denial but I haven't looked to understand affairs too deeply bc I haven't seen any evidence of an affair. What do you mean that an "EA is a fantasy"? Go ahead and laugh at me....Do you mean H is talking with himself? Talking with an online gal like onlyfans?

"I think most crisis have an undertone, or direct trauma that is sexual in nature." I don't know what you mean by this comment? Could H have been sexually abused? Sexually denied by a prior relationship?

thanks again for your patience with me and my confusion.